What happens when the person or system you depend on for safety is also the source of harm?

In this episode, I speak with Dr Robyn Gobin, psychologist, author and former doctoral student of betrayal trauma researcher Dr Jennifer Freyd, about betrayal trauma — and why we sometimes have to remain blind to betrayal in order to preserve the relationships we depend upon.

We explore betrayal blindness, what happens when acknowledging the truth threatens attachment or belonging, and the profound impact betrayal can have on our ability to trust ourselves and our own perceptions.

We also talk about how betrayal trauma can intersect with race and marginalisation, why self-blame can sometimes feel safer than recognising that someone we trusted has harmed us, and what it takes to begin rebuilding self-trust after betrayal.

At the heart of the conversation is a question that runs through my work and this podcast: What happens when belonging requires us to abandon what we know, feel or perceive to be true?

🎧 You Don’t Have to Abandon Yourself to Belong, with Alexandra Stevens.

Follow Alexandra on Instagram: @alexandrastevensgold

Website: alexandrastevenstherapy.com

Why do we keep repeating relational patterns even when we know they no longer serve us? And how do we learn to trust ourselves, other people, and our place in the world?

In this conversation, I speak with Dr Lynne Jacobs, psychologist, psychotherapist and internationally respected voice in relational Gestalt therapy, about how our sense of self is formed through relationship. We explore her concept of Enduring Relational Themes, how it differs from attachment theory, and why behaviours we label as “avoidant” may make more sense when understood as forms of self-protection.

We also explore shame and belonging: why shame can make us feel as though we have broken the code of being human, the fear of visibility and “Who do you think you are?”, and how compassion and relationship can bring us back into the human community.

Our conversation moves into money, desire and the shame of wanting more, as well as self-trust, conflict, rupture and what it means not simply to trust another person, but to risk trusting them.

Ultimately, this is a conversation about one of the central questions behind You Don’t Have to Abandon Yourself to Belong: How do we remain connected to other people without losing ourselves in the process?

Why do so many of us feel guilty when we rest—and why has being busy become a badge of honour?

Alexandra Stevens speaks with researcher, digital anthropologist and bestselling author Rahaf Harfoush about the ideas behind Hustle & Float. They explore how the Protestant work ethic helped fuse productivity with morality, why many of us learn to earn love and belonging through achievement, and how work can become inseparable from identity and self-worth.

Rahaf also discusses self-sabotage as a protective response, the hidden rules we inherit about success, the unpaid “second shift” still carried by many women, and why hard work alone cannot explain who becomes wealthy or successful. The conversation moves towards a more humane approach to productivity—one shaped around our actual bodies, lives, responsibilities and energy rather than somebody else’s morning routine.

They also explore workaholism as a way of outrunning difficult emotions, why grief must eventually be felt, and the striking connection Rahaf draws between burnout and climate breakdown: both are consequences of treating living systems as though they can be endlessly extracted from.

Guest

Rahaf Harfoush
🌐 https://www.rahafharfoush.com
📖 Hustle & Float: https://www.rahafharfoush.com/books

Host

Alexandra Stevens
🌐 https://alexandrastevenstherapy.com
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alexandrastevensgold
🎙️ Podcast: You Don't Have to Abandon Yourself to Belong

What if self-abandonment isn't a flaw, but a survival strategy?In this episode of You Don't Have to Abandon Yourself to Belong, I speak with UKCP integrative body psychotherapist and Gestalt trainer Carmen Joanne Ablack about why so many of us lose connection with ourselves in order to survive and belong.Together we explore:• Why trauma disconnects us from our bodies• What interoception is and why it matters• How childhood shapes our sense of belonging• Why trust in ourselves develops through safe relationships• How therapy helps us rediscover who we are rather than telling us who we are• Transgenerational trauma, race and identity• Staying connected to yourself in the face of prejudice and discriminationCarmen shares powerful reflections on embodiment, belonging, creativity, trust and what it means to remain true to yourself, even when the world invites you to abandon who you are.If you've ever felt disconnected from yourself, struggled to trust your own feelings, or wondered how trauma affects our relationship with our bodies, this conversation is for you.Guest: Carmen Joanne AblackIntegrative Body Psychotherapist, Gestalt Psychotherapist & Director of Psychotherapy at the Gestalt Centre, London.Subscribe for more conversations on attachment, trauma, shame, belonging and self-trust.

Why do we learn to make ourselves smaller, put other people’s needs first, or believe that something is fundamentally wrong with us?

In this conversation, Alexandra Stevens speaks with psychotherapist and former foreign correspondent Mark Brayne about how our earliest relationships shape our sense of safety, identity and belonging. They explore how family patterns travel across generations, why children often take responsibility for the distress of the adults around them, and how shame can become a kind of “survival armour”—helping us preserve connection when we are too young to survive without it.

They also discuss the experience of feeling caught between identities, the influence of culture and collective history, and what it means to stop passing inherited pain to the next generation. This is ultimately a conversation about understanding the stories that made us—not so that we remain trapped in the past, but so that we can meet the present differently and create a different future.

Why do so many of us learn to disconnect from ourselves? And how do we find our way back?

In this conversation, I speak with Sarah Peyton, author of The Resonant Self, about the neuroscience of self-compassion, attachment and healing. Sarah explains why warmth and understanding literally change the brain, why self-abandonment is a survival strategy rather than a personal failing, and how compassionate relationships help us reconnect with ourselves.

One of the most surprising moments in our conversation is Sarah's explanation of why verbal abuse can leave deeper and more enduring wounds than physical abuse, because it shapes our developing sense of self and can become the voice we carry inside us.

Together we explore:

• Why we abandon ourselves in order to survive
• The neuroscience of self-compassion
• How attachment patterns shape the way we relate to ourselves and others
• Why emotional numbing happens
• The hidden impact of verbal abuse
• How secure attachment can be earned
• The difference between empathy, compassion and resonance
• Why healing happens through relationship
• How old survival strategies can finally be released

Along the way I share some of my own experiences of self-abandonment, perfectionism and performance anxiety, and Sarah offers a powerful way of understanding how these patterns develop—and how they can change.

Whether you're interested in trauma, psychology, relationships or simply understanding yourself more deeply, this conversation offers both hope and practical insight.

Connect with Sarah Peyton

Website: https://sarahpeyton.com
Books: The Resonant Self and Your Resonant Self Workbook
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@SarahPeytonCNVC
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SarahPeytonAuthor

Connect with Alexandra Stevens

🌐 Website: https://alexandrastevenstherapy.com
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alexandrastevensgold
✍️ Substack: https://fromtraumatogold.substack.com/p/im-writing-a-book-in-public

In this episode of the You Don't Have To Abandon Yourself To Belong Podcast, I speak with social psychologist, professor, author, and proud autistic person Dr Devon Price.

We explore the concept of systemic shame and how many of the struggles we experience as individuals may be rooted not simply in personal psychology, but in the social environments we inhabit.

Together we discuss:

• The difference between attachment wounds and systemic shame
• Why imposter syndrome may be a rational response to exclusion
• How shame shapes identity, belonging, and relationships
• The pressure to be exceptional in order to feel worthy
• Productivity guilt, self-sacrifice, and the struggle identity
• Vulnerability, connection, and what healing actually requires
• Why there was never anything wrong with you
• 
  

One of my favourite moments in the conversation is Devon's reflection that many people spend years believing they are fundamentally flawed, when in reality they simply had needs that were never adequately met.

About Devon Price

Dr Devon Price is a social psychologist, professor, speaker, and author of Unmasking Autism, Laziness Does Not Exist, and Unlearning Shame. His work explores neurodiversity, stigma, identity, belonging, and the social forces that shape our lives.

Connect with Devon
https://drdevonprice.substack.com

Instagram @drdevonprice

Connect with Alexandra
Website: https://alexandrastevenstherapy.com
Substack: https://fromtraumatogold.substack.com/p/im-writing-a-book-in-public
Instagram: @alexandrastevens

About the Podcast

You Don't Have To Abandon Yourself To Belong is a podcast exploring attachment, trauma, self-trust, creativity, belonging, and the ways we learn to move away from ourselves in order to maintain connection.

Hosted by Alexandra Stevens, EMDR therapist, Gestalt psychotherapist, author of You Don't Have To Abandon Yourself To Belong, and host of the You Don't Have To Abandon Yourself To Belong Podcast.

In this first episode, leadership expert and author Steven D’Souza and I explore uncertainty, curiosity, shadow work, and what it means to navigate the unknown without collapsing into fear, control, or certainty-seeking.

Drawing on Steven’s Leading from the Dark framework, we discuss the concept of “negative capability” — the ability to remain with uncertainty, mystery, and not-knowing without rushing prematurely into answers or action.

Together we explore:

— why human beings struggle with the unknown
— common reactions to uncertainty, including control, over-analysis, passivity, and catastrophic thinking
— the importance of curiosity and “beginner’s mind”
— psychological safety and leadership
— shadow work and the hidden aspects of ourselves
— how strengths can become liabilities under stress
— the possibility of growth and creativity within periods of darkness and transition

A thoughtful conversation bridging psychology, leadership, self-awareness, and the challenge of staying open at the edge of the unknown.

Join mailing list for future episodes and book excerpts

https://alexandrastevenstherapy.com/self-abandonment-podcast

@alexandrastevensgold