I have been coaching a lot recently on why people find it difficult to enforce their boundaries.

The truth is, setting a boundary is easy, but enforcing it is the hard bit. Most people have it wrong, they think then when they tell someone not to interrupt them, that the person will then, not interrupt them.

The reality is that people will cross your boundaries and it's up to you to enforce them.

Now, often people don't enforce their boundaries because of the fear of upsetting the other person and not being liked, but recently I have noticed another reason - The need to be needed!

Often we complain that we are being constantly interrupted but if that person goes to someone else for help, we question why they didn't come to us. Suddenly we feel less important and not so valued.

This is what we discuss today, because as long as you 'need' something you will be dependent on it, and what we are dependent on we try and control.

Our brain favours stimulus and response because in our primitive days we couldn't wait around to see if something was going to kill us or not; we had to err on the side of caution. Also, thinking takes energy and our primitive brain wants to conserve energy.

Now though, most situations we deal with require rational thought and just responding to events and feelings makes our life harder. It makes us gain weight, drink too much caffeine and drives a wedge between the people we love most.

You could be reaching for the chocolate bar, getting distracted by emails and messages or snapping at the kids. All of these are examples of where we are responding without thinking before we act.

In this episode I will show you how to change if you want to. I say 'want to' because you don't have to change, you get to stay as you are. In my experience, the only people who change are those that want to and have a compelling reason 'why'.

I will show you the 4 easy steps to change which are:

1. Awareness

2. Act

3. Feel discomfort

4. Measure progress

Hope it's helpful.

I've never had anyone come to me in burnout yet who hasn't complained of not being able to switch off.

We think it is a work problem but it's not, it's a brain problem.

It is not even actually a problem, it's just our brain trying to protect us, creating fear if we don't check our emails or do more work and then we reward it by doing it which then perpetuates the cycle.

Suddenly we tell oursleves that we have a job that means we can't switch off but really this is just our ego talking. Our ego needs to feel needed and convinces us that we are indispensable and that if we are not working all the time everything will fall apart.

What we are actually creating is an environment perfect for burnout and exhaustion, not just for us but for everyone that looks up to us and works under us. People do what they see not what you tell them.

The simple truth is that if you don't switch off it will cost you. If you want to keep telling yourself that you can't switch off then just accept the price. That price might be your health, your partner or your relationship with your kids but everything has a price tag and you have to accept it.

When you remove your ego from the equation and allow yourself to switch off you think clearer, make better decisions and are more productive which means you don't have to work such long hours. What does your ego think of that though, if you were coming into work at a reasonable time, finishing at a reasonable time and not working in the evening?

Is there a part of you that wants to be seen as the person that never switches off, that works longer hours than everyone else? Is it secretly a badge of honour? It was for me and I'm glad I got that ego in check because it led me to feel burnt out and resentful.

If you want to learnt o switch off then have a listen to this.

Something a lot of leaders struggle with is delegation. They tell themselves and others that no one else can do their job and end of taking on more which leads to them being overworked, overwhelmed and exhausted.

This has a knock on effect with their family as they become snappier with the kids and too knackered to listen to their wife's day, just flaking out on the sofa but obviously not before they have gone to the gym and smashed themselves in an attempt to rid themselves of the stress and to help them switch off.

The truth is more that they don't trust anyone to do the work and they are afraid that someone will look at the work they have done and criticise it. It's just good old fear!

The thought of delegating work feels them with dread and anxiety and they prefer to take it all on themselves and work in the evenings and on holiday rather than let someone else take the work on.

This problem is easily solved and creates the freedom that most people are looking for. Free from the overwhelm and exhaustion they feel trapped in.

Have a listen and see what you think.

Jonny

There is an amazing book called Clear Thinking by Shane Parrish, which is all about decision making.

In this episode I share the lessons on managing your defaults that I found so helpful.

Shane identifies that we have four defaults which we have to be aware of and set safeguards because they are woven into our biology and we can't eliminate them.

The defaults are:

1. Emotional

2. Ego

3. Social

4. Inertia

Have a listen and see what you think.

The first person to email me the comment 'CLEAR THINKING' to jonnybevan@outlook.com along with your postal address, I will send you a FREE copy of the book.

If your brain is anything like mine then it just loves to over complicate things. Having deeper knowledge is good and often essential but I believe that to successfully apply a tool or concept it needs to be simple enough to explain to a 5 year old.

Why?

Because otherwise the brain rejects it in the moments that we most need it.

We make change hard by making by over complicating it and then the brain rejects it and we end up staying the same.

In this episode I re-visit the concept of the primitive brain which is a simple model of how the brain works both for us and against us in our modern world.

Remember, our brain evolved for a time of scarcity when there was the threat of death around every corner. Now we live in relative safety and have an abundance of resources and yet the brain still creates fear and drives us to chase more which can leave us feeling unsatisfied.

Have a listen and see what you think.

Most people that come to me for help are men who are business owners or Directors of companies who feel overworked and overwhelmed. They feel like an imposter because they can't believe they have got to where they are.

They are spinning lots of plates and constantly being distracted by unimportant emails and messages which has them working on late, feeling exhausted, snapping at their wife and kids and an overall feeling of letting everyone down.

In this episode I talk specifically about how to stop being distracted to get out of overwhelm by following these steps.

1. Awareness of how the brain works and creating space between stimulus and response.

2. Asking questions to redirect the brain and focus on what's really important.

3. Feeling discomfort and doing it anyway.

4. Measuring the benefits

It may seem too simple but life is really quite simple, it's the brain that adds the layer of complexity and causes us to feel overwhelmed.

If you're anything like me you will experience a lot of lows at times in your life.

You might be questioning what the point of it all is and feeling trapped or stuck.

This is all normal and in this episode I talk about how to move yourself out of those lows.

All our problems are are either a thinking, feeling or action problem. I know you think your problem is a circumstance problem but believe me it is not. When we think this we feel helpless and powerless.

When you know how to address these three areas the lows you experience will not so long. You will be able to recognise them and move yourself out of them.

Another secret weapon is gratitude. When we are feeling low we don;t want to analyse our life through that filter because we will just see more problems and feel worse.

We want o acknowledge the low but then start looking at what we are grateful for. If you struggle with this just imagine what you have being taken away. That should do the trick because we generally don't appreciate what we have until we've lost it.

Have a listen and see what you think.

Jonny