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  • 447: Why All Trauma Is Betrayal: The Hidden Truth Behind the ACE Study

    447: Why All Trauma Is Betrayal: The Hidden Truth Behind the ACE Study
    2025/11/10
    In this powerful episode, we welcome Dr. Alman, co-creator of the groundbreaking ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study, to discuss trauma, betrayal, and the path to healing. Dr. Alman shares insights from decades of work with Kaiser Permanente and explains why all trauma contains elements of betrayal. Key Topics Discussed The Origins of the ACE Study How the study began through Kaiser Permanente's weight loss program Dr. Alman's work with patients trying to lose 50-200+ pounds The surprising discovery that successful weight loss patients were gaining weight back Collaboration with Dr. Felitti and Dr. Robert Anda to develop the 10 core questions Understanding Trauma and Betrayal Core principle: All trauma is betrayal - it involves people we trusted who didn't have our backs Trauma comes from family members, partners, friends, grandparents, or anyone we depended on The weight-protection mechanism: How people use weight to protect themselves from harm The 10 Core ACE Questions (and Beyond) The original 10 questions identify the most common childhood traumas Sexual abuse: Found in close to 60% of women in the weight loss program Neglect: Particularly common among men whose fathers were absent or overworked The list is not exhaustive - many other traumas exist The 11th and 12th Questions-important inclusions to access additional information The Inner Critic Problem The perfectionist inner judge that becomes a "lifetime member" of your psyche How childhood conditioning creates an inner critic that fights with our emotions The futility of trying to eliminate the inner critic Why therapy alone often isn't enough to resolve this internal conflict Coping Mechanisms and Addiction The dosage principle: Like aspirin, coping mechanisms are about dosage - some is helpful, too much is harmful Common coping strategies: food, work, exercise, drugs, alcohol High achievers and entrepreneurs often use success as a distraction The driven CEO who feels "empty and betrayed on the inside" How seemingly "healthy" distractions like work and exercise can mask deeper issues The Path to Healing The Three-Step Process: Awareness - Answer the 12 ACE questions Bridge-building - Awareness alone isn't enough; you must build bridges, not walls Root cause healing - Access your inner wisdom beneath the trauma Key Principles: Your emotions are bridges, not obstacles Your inner critic can be worked with, not eliminated Everyone has inner wisdom - "the gold underneath all that lead" Healing requires going deeper than emotions, judgment, and childhood conditioning The goal is to utilize your trauma and betrayal as tools for growth Featured Resource Enlight App - Developed by Dr. Alman and Dr. Felitti to help people connect with their inner wisdom daily, utilizing emotions, judgments, and childhood experiences as tools for healing rather than obstacles to overcome. Key Takeaways The ACE study has reached 100 countries and millions of people worldwide 20% of people use 80% of healthcare services, often due to unresolved trauma Trauma manifests in physical symptoms: stomach aches, back pain, weight issues, autoimmune illnesses, migraines, depression, and anxiety Everyone's trauma experience is unique, even when ACE scores are similar Healing isn't about getting rid of parts of yourself - it's about integration and working with all aspects of who you are You can't "get rid" of your inner critic any more than you can remove the rings from a tree The path forward involves accepting, reassuring, and connecting with all parts of yourself Notable Quotes "All trauma is betrayal, because it's people we trusted, people we hoped would have our back, would take care of us." "Awareness is great. It's a bridge, but it's not enough." "The inner critic has a lifetime membership - you might as well learn how to work with it." "Everybody has inner wisdom. It's probably real deep, deeper than you've ever gone, deeper than your emotions, deeper than your judge, deeper than your perfectionist." "Two aspirin will help you, 100 will kill you. Same thing with coping mechanisms - it's all about dosage." Connect with Dr. Alman Download the Enlight
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    42 分
  • 446: Addiction and Betrayal: Breaking the Cycle of Enabling, Denial, and Despair

    446: Addiction and Betrayal: Breaking the Cycle of Enabling, Denial, and Despair
    2025/11/03
    In this deeply insightful episode, Dr. Debi Silber sits down with addiction expert Amber Hollingsworth to explore the complex intersection between betrayal and addiction—and the impact it has on partners, families, and loved ones. Amber, who grew up in a family affected by addiction and went on to dedicate her career to helping families heal, shares raw and eye-opening truths about how addiction patterns form, why partners often become "the villain" in the addicted person's story, and how to strategically navigate the balance between compassion and boundaries without losing yourself in the process. Together, Debi and Amber unpack how betrayal shows up through addiction—whether it's substances, behaviors, or emotional disconnection—and what it takes to stop enabling, break the cycle, and create the conditions for real recovery. 🧩 Key Topics Covered: Amber's personal story of growing up in an addicted family and how it shaped her life's work. The hidden connection between betrayal trauma and addiction—and why family members often carry the deepest wounds. Why partners of addicts often become "the villain" in the story and how to reverse that dynamic. The psychology of enabling—and how to stop protecting your loved one from the consequences they need to face. The painful balance between love and accountability: how to let them fall without losing yourself. What it really means to "hit bottom" (and why you don't have to wait for it). How empathy, not anger, activates the brain's learning center and creates the possibility of change. How to stay grounded, maintain your boundaries, and heal your own betrayal trauma—even while someone you love is still struggling. The difference between fast-track addictions (like cocaine) and slow-burn addictions (like alcohol or marijuana), and how each impacts relationships differently. How "trickle truths" and hidden addictions re-traumatize betrayed partners over time. Why self-care and detachment aren't selfish—they're essential for clarity, health, and long-term healing. 🧠 Key Insights: "When you grow up around addiction, rebellion sometimes looks like choosing to live differently." "You're not powerless. You can't control your loved one, but you can influence the system they're in." "When you stop being the villain in their story, the world becomes the mirror that shows them the truth." "Empathy activates learning. Anger activates defense." "Every time you protect someone from their consequences, you're protecting them from their transformation." 💬 Memorable Quotes: "Self-pity and resentment are how addiction lives. Until that dynamic changes, recovery can't begin." — Amber Hollingsworth "We can't build anything stable on a cracked foundation of deception. Every 'trickle truth' is another trauma." — Dr. Debi Silber "You don't have to wait until someone hits bottom. They can put the shovel down at any time." — Amber Hollingsworth 🔧 Practical Takeaways: Stop enabling — Let natural consequences teach what words cannot. Stay in your lane — You're responsible for your peace, not their choices. Lead with empathy — It's the only tone that keeps the door open for change. Don't hide behind "helping" — Over-functioning feeds denial. Focus on your stage of healing — Take care of yourself before you decide what's next. 🌿 About Amber Hollingsworth: Amber Hollingsworth is a master addiction counselor, family recovery specialist, and founder of the YouTube channel Put the Shovel Down, where she educates families on how to break the patterns of enabling and codependency that keep addiction alive. Drawing from her own lived experience in an addicted family and decades of clinical practice, Amber brings clarity, compassion, and concrete strategies for real change. 👉 Watch Amber's videos: Put the Shovel Down on YouTube 🎧 Listen to This Episode If… You've been betrayed by someone struggling with addiction. You're trying to help a loved one but feel stuck, angry, or powerless. You're tired of living in cycles of hope and disappointment. You want to understand how to support someone in recovery without losing yourself. Resources & links The PBT Institute — programs, coaches, community: https://thepbtinstitute.com/ Corporate/HR offerings & talks: https://thepbtinstitute.com/corporate Work with Dr. Debi and her amazing PBT Coaches: https://thepbtinstitute.com/transform/
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    35 分
  • 445: When Unhealed Betrayal Follows You to Work

    445: When Unhealed Betrayal Follows You to Work
    2025/10/27
    In this solo episode, Dr. Debi shares 11 anonymized, real-world scenarios showing how unhealed betrayal quietly derails performance, leadership, health, and culture at work. From weight changes and gut issues to micromanagement, perfectionism, disengagement, and self-betrayal, you'll see how a personal rupture (even years old) can surface on the job—and what to do about it. You'll also hear research-backed prevalence stats (weight, gut, sleep) and a clear invitation to move from Stages 2–3 (shock and survival) into Stages 4–5 (healing and growth). Who this episode is for Professionals, leaders, and founders who feel "off" at work and can't trace why HR/people leaders noticing unexplained dips in performance, morale, or collaboration Anyone who suspects an earlier betrayal might still be shaping today's choices, health, and capacity Key concepts & signals Betrayal shows up at work physically (weight, gut, sleep), mentally (focus, overthinking), emotionally (hypervigilance, distrust). Nervous system hijack: After broken trust, people often swing to micromanagement, second-guessing, isolation, or over-preparation. Stages matter: Creativity, confidence, and connection typically reliably return as you move into Stages 4–5 of the 5-Stage model. Research snapshots (from Debi's community data): Weight/eating struggles: ~47% Gut issues (IBS/Crohn's/constipation/diarrhea): ~45% Sleep problems: ~68% Case snapshots (anonymized) Sarah — Weight & confidence spiral Discovery of husband + best friend affair → stress eating → +40 lbs, pre-diabetes, energy crash. Missed two promotions; client-facing confidence plummeted. Marcus — Gut & career derailment Brother's $50k "investment" betrayal (borrowed from 401k) → nausea → IBS, 30 missed days in 6 months, $12k out-of-pocket care → transfer to lower-paying support role. Jennifer — From empowering to micromanaging Daughter's addiction/deceit eroded trust → hypervigilance, excessive approvals, morale drop → $30k demotion. David — Cultural catalyst to clock-watcher Father covertly rewrote will for estranged sister → emotional numbness → stopped mentoring/initiatives → ~25% drop in departmental satisfaction. Lisa — Anxiety, over-prep, stalled growth Fiancé + maid of honor affair weeks before wedding → panic in meetings, medical leave, therapy costs → over-preparation and hesitation → lost Senior Manager promotion. Tom — Creativity collapse Close friend's emotional affair with his partner during family caregiving → withdrew creative risk-taking → lost edge in pitches → 3 major accounts (~$2M) missed. Rachel — Sleepless CEO Sister's manipulation of elderly mother & finances → insomnia, ruminations → poorer board-level decisions, investor strain, performance dip; sleep meds added side-effects. Kevin — Isolation after double betrayal Wife left for best friend → withdrew from people, closed-door leadership → cross-functional effectiveness down ~40%; silos and delays multiplied. Maria — Paralysis by over-analysis Business + romantic partner embezzled to fund secret life → hyper-checking, documentation glut → missed time-sensitive opportunities; costly lost trading advantage. Robert — Purpose lost, pipeline thins Adult son (aided by brother) sued him for "emotional damages" → quit mentoring/junior development → leadership pipeline weakened; burnout → early retirement. Andrea (self-betrayal) — Successful but misaligned Pressured away from teaching into law → chronic fatigue, migraines, disengagement, ~30% billable drop, ~$800k lost potential revenue → leave of absence. The cost wasn't only professional—it was existential. How to spot it (self-check) "I don't recognize how I lead or work anymore." (micromanaging, over-prepping, perfectionism) "My body is louder than my calendar." (gut flares, migraines, insomnia before big decisions) "I'm here but not really here." (numbness, disengagement, loss of initiative/mentoring) "I don't trust my read on people." (multiple confirmations for simple tasks, second-guessing) "I'm productive—but always late." (hyper-vigilant thoroughness that kills timeliness) "I'm successful—and empty." (self-betrayal: achievement without meaning) Try this: 6 reflection prompts Which case felt uncomfortably familiar—and why? Where does betrayal show up most for you: body, mind, or relationships at work? What do you over-do (control, analyze, isolate) to feel safer—and what does it cost? Which responsibility did you stop (mentoring, initiating, pitching) after the rupture? What would "Stage 4–5 me" do differently this week? If self-betrayal is the theme, what small act of alignment could you take in 72 hours?...
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    21 分
  • 444: Fear Isn't the F-Word: Neurohacks for Life After Betrayal

    444: Fear Isn't the F-Word: Neurohacks for Life After Betrayal
    2025/10/20
    Betrayal shakes our sense of safety and self-trust—and that lights up fear. In this conversation, fear researcher and author Dr. Mary Poffenroth breaks fear down into plain language and gives you practical, physiology-first tools to calm the brain in the moment. We cover how fear hijacks the amygdala (your alarm system), how to bring the prefrontal cortex (clear thinking) back online, and how to tell the difference between fictional fears (rumination, future-tripping) and non-fictional fears (real, in-the-moment cues). You'll leave with quick exercises you can do anywhere—no apps, no gear, no supplements. What we cover Why high-achievers and "head types" often research their feelings instead of feeling them—and how that becomes a hidden avoidance loop. How fear shows up after betrayal: fear of change, of the unknown, of failure and success, and the loss of control those trigger. The RAIN framework to move through fear step by step: Recognize, Assign, Identify, Navigate. Two fast neurohacks you can use anywhere: Pinch the Valley: massage the meaty point between thumb and index finger to stimulate the vagus nerve and down-shift arousal. Near & Far (convergence drill): track a finger/pen from arm's length to your nose and back to engage convergence and cue parasympathetic "rest & digest." The nervous-system bus: only one driver at a time (sympathetic fight/flight vs. parasympathetic rest/digest) and how to switch drivers on purpose. Fictional vs. non-fictional fear (sometimes called "dirty vs. clean" in the literature): how to stop feeding rumination and respond to real-time signals. The two big "buckets" behind most fictional fears: "I'm not enough" and "I'm losing control." How labeling one calms the spiral. Try-it-now tools (step-by-step) Pinch the Valley (vagus nerve reset) Make an "L" with one hand (thumb + index). With the other hand's thumb and index, massage the firm, meaty point where the thumb and index finger bones meet (below the web). 30–60 seconds per hand while breathing slowly. Expect a subtle down-shift in agitation; repeat as needed. Near & Far (convergence reset) Hold a finger or pen at arm's length; softly focus on it. Slowly bring it toward the bridge of your nose until it blurs/doubles, then return to arm's length. Repeat 5–8 times to help re-engage focus and cue parasympathetic tone. RAIN (micro-walkthrough) Recognize: Name the body cues (tight jaw, racing heart). Assign: "This is fear arousal." (Not anger, not shame—fear.) Identify: Is this fictional (story/rumination) or non-fictional (real cue)? If fictional, which bucket: not enough or loss of control? Navigate: Pick one action (boundary, breath, call a friend, make the ask). Notable quotes "We spend so much time pretending fear doesn't exist—and that just drives it underground." —Dr. Mary "When the amygdala is lit, the prefrontal cortex goes dim. Get your body safe first; the smart ideas return second." "Healthy distractions—work, fitness, staying busy—can still be avoidance." "Label it: fictional or non-fictional. Then choose a move." —Dr. Mary "What we feed grows. Let's feed courage with small, repeatable actions." Who this episode is for Anyone navigating betrayal who feels stuck between fear and next steps. Practitioners and leaders who need simple, teachable fear tools. High-performers who think their feelings and want body-based resets. Resources & guest links Dr. Mary Poffenroth — official site (book, speaking, downloads). Mary Poffenroth Brave New You (book) — science-backed strategies, tools, and neurohacks to live more courageously. RAIN Method & Neurohacking Downloads (infographic + mini-deck). Mary Poffenroth Resources   Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz: Learn if you have been impacted by a past betrayal. For the betrayed – Reclaim: Heal from your betrayal and take your life back.
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    30 分
  • 443: Healing from Family Betrayal

    443: Healing from Family Betrayal
    2025/10/13
    Family betrayal cuts deeper than almost any other wound. These are the very people we expect to love, guide, and protect us—and when they break that trust, the pain is overwhelming and confusing. In this episode, Dr. Debi Silber explores how early family betrayals shape our beliefs, relationships, health, and work. She shares her own personal story of family betrayal, how she questioned the beliefs she was raised with, and how breaking those patterns became the foundation for her healing and her life's work. Dr. Debi also highlights the journey of a PBT member who discovered how guilt and manipulation had silently dictated her family dynamics for decades—and what happens when those tactics stop working. This conversation sheds light on: Why family betrayal can feel so disorienting and devastating. The progression from "It must be me" → "Maybe it's not me." "What if it's them?" → "It's them." How beliefs formed in childhood can carry into adult relationships, health, and career. The painful but powerful process of setting new boundaries, even when it means losing relationships. Why betrayal often gets worse before it gets better when you change the rules. The ripple effects of unhealed early betrayal, including repeat betrayals, health struggles, and workplace challenges. What changes when you do the work to heal, rebuild, and move through the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough. Through her personal experiences and decades of research, Dr. Debi shows why cleaning up these early betrayals is essential to living a life that is healthy, fulfilling, and aligned with your true worth. ✨ Resources & Links Mentioned in This Episode Learn more about the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough inside the Reclaim program: thepbtinstitute.com/reclaim Coaches & practitioners: explore how to add betrayal recovery to your toolkit in the Certification Masterclass: thepbtinstitute.com/certification-masterclass 💡 Key Takeaway: When you stop believing betrayal was your fault and begin rewriting the rules, you open the door to healing, stronger relationships, and a life built on self-worth and boundaries.
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    28 分
  • 442: Men, Moral Injury, and Betrayal

    442: Men, Moral Injury, and Betrayal
    2025/10/06
    In this episode, Dr. Debi sits down with Tim Wienecke, Air Force veteran, licensed clinician, and host of American Masculinity. Tim brings a rare and necessary perspective on the often-overlooked intersection of men, betrayal, and moral injury—a form of trauma that arises when individuals are forced to act against their own values, often within systems they once trusted. Together, we explore: What moral injury is and how it differs from (yet intertwines with) betrayal trauma. How men process betrayal differently from women, often turning to control or isolation instead of vulnerability. The heavy repercussions of military service, including drone operations, systemic failures, and the lifelong burden of collateral consequences. The side-by-side bonding style of men and why creating safe, non-confrontational spaces is critical for healing. The difference between boundaries and control—and why confusing the two can lead to unhealthy, even abusive, dynamics. How shame operates as a silencer for men and why true healing requires trusted groups who can reflect compassion and accountability. Practical tools for supporting men through betrayal, including reflective listening, meeting them in their own language (emotional, kinetic, or thought-based), and recognizing control behaviors early. Tim also shares deeply personal insights from his own service, how he came to understand moral injury in his work with veterans and first responders, and why America's conversation around masculinity needs far more nuance than the oversimplified narratives we often hear. Whether you're a clinician, a partner, or someone healing from betrayal yourself, this conversation opens up vital new ways of understanding how men carry trauma, how it shows up, and what can truly help them heal. Learn More About Tim Wienecke Visit americanmasculinity.com for his counseling services, podcast, and tools designed for men navigating betrayal, moral injury, and masculinity in today's world. More Resources The PBT Institute: Break free from the pain of betrayal and find safety, love, and trust again. For the betrayed – Reclaim: Heal from your betrayal and take your life back. For the betrayer – Rebuild: Heal yourself and help heal the heart you broke. Take the Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz – Post-Betrayal Syndrome Quiz
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    29 分
  • 441: Transforming Betrayal into Breakthrough

    441: Transforming Betrayal into Breakthrough
    2025/09/29
    From gang life and juvenile detention to martial arts mastery and life coaching - Sensei Dave Armstrong's journey is a testament to human resilience. After facing prostate cancer at 50 and experiencing profound betrayal when his wife of 11 years left during his darkest hour, Dave shares the powerful tools that helped him rebuild and find hope again. Living retired in Greece with an ocean view, he now dedicates his life to helping others transform their trauma into strength. Sensei Dave Armstrong is a resilience coach, martial arts instructor, author, and motivational speaker. Having overcome gang involvement, foster care, juvenile detention, and illiteracy, Dave now lives in Greece and helps others navigate life's most challenging moments. He's the author of "Why Me, My Fight for Life" and holds a degree in psychology. Key Takeaways The Power of Perspective "Why not you?" - We're not exempt from life's challenges, and that's okay Trauma can either define you negatively or fuel your growth - you choose Building internal strength is like developing a muscle - it requires consistent practice Boundaries as Non-Negotiables Clear boundaries prevent neediness from driving poor decisions Some boundaries have no margin for compromise Weak boundaries create unnecessary chaos in your life The Healing Process Don't rush to fill voids with new relationships during healing Allow yourself to feel difficult emotions without forcing solutions Have multiple "tools" ready for different emotional scenarios Building Resilience Through Mentorship Quality mentors can change the trajectory of your entire life Hope is the foundation for all positive change Self-confidence develops through successfully navigating challenges Notable Quotes "I was never hopeless. I was always hopeful. And that's what I try to instill - because even if you don't have the skill sets, there's hope to acquire and change." "We have agency over our response to trauma. Why not choose the positive impact rather than the negative?" "I see the God in everyone. Unfortunately, life will start to hit us and we'll harden our shell. But you can't get out of what you've built to protect yourself." Timestamps [00:00] Introduction to Sensei Dave Armstrong [05:30] Cancer diagnosis and betrayal story [12:15] Childhood trauma and gang involvement [18:45] The mentors who saved his life [25:20] Developing resilience as a skill [32:10] Setting and maintaining boundaries [38:45] The healing journey after betrayal [44:30] Current life philosophy and message Resources Book: "Why Me, My Fight for Life" by Dave Armstrong Website: www.senseidave.com One-on-one coaching: upna.net Instagram: @MrMotivation ThePBTInstitute.com The PBT Institute Certification Program
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    32 分
  • 440: Divorce, Betrayal & Financial Infidelity: How to Protect Your Money and Future After Trust is Broken

    440: Divorce, Betrayal & Financial Infidelity: How to Protect Your Money and Future After Trust is Broken
    2025/09/22
    When betrayal and divorce collide, the emotional toll is staggering—but the financial consequences can be just as devastating. In this candid and deeply informative episode, Dr. Debi sits down with financial strategist and divorce expert Gabriella Martinelli to unpack one of the most overlooked yet critical aspects of betrayal recovery: understanding and managing your money when trust has been shattered. With over 20 years of experience in the legal and financial world, Gabriella has guided countless clients through high-stakes divorces—many complicated by hidden spending, concealed accounts, and the gut-punch of financial infidelity. She explains why divorce is not just a legal process, but also a financial untangling that demands clarity, documentation, and strategic thinking—especially when betrayal is part of the story. You'll learn: The double impact of betrayal and divorce — how emotional pain clouds financial decisions, and why clarity is your most valuable asset. What financial infidelity really looks like — from hidden credit cards and drained savings to funds spent on an affair partner. Why anger-driven decisions can sabotage your future — and how to shift your focus from revenge to building a secure next chapter. The role of mistrust in decision-making — and why even hard data can feel impossible to believe after betrayal. Steps to take immediately — including how to gather financial records, understand your credit report, and identify accounts you didn't know existed. The importance of a multidisciplinary "divorce team" — legal, financial, and emotional support working together to protect your best interests. Gabriella shares powerful real-life stories—from clients paralyzed by suspicion, to those who risked their future on proving a point, to those who found the strength to pivot toward empowerment instead. She also dismantles the Hollywood myth of "getting your day in court" and the cathartic speech that makes the betrayer pay—revealing the practical reality of how courts actually operate. If you've been blindsided by betrayal, are navigating divorce, or suspect financial infidelity, this conversation offers both hard truths and hope. Gabriella and Dr. Debi walk you through the mindset shifts, tactical steps, and strategic support you need to move forward—not just financially stable, but emotionally stronger and in control of your next chapter. Resources: Gabriella's site: https://www.everafterwealth.com Gabriella's email: gabriella@everafterwealth.com The 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough: https://thepbtinstitute.com/reclaim The Rebuild Program (For those who betrayed and want to heal): https://thepbtinstitute.com/rebuild/  The PBT Institute Community (Join the healing conversation): https://thepbtinstitute.com  
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    35 分