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Put these tools into your armoury of resources to help you communicate more effectively:

John Grays 'Men are from mars and women are from Venus' is still worth a read. Also (although a somewhat provocative title) 'Men don't listen and women can't read maps' - is worth reading.

Both books remind us that there is a difference between how masculinity and femininity communicate. There is a big difference between 'Hearing' and 'Listening'.

There is a difference in how we communicate when we are in conflict with someone. There is a difference in how we communicate when we are in a 'Parent role', 'Adult role' or Child role". (That is the theme of TA (Transactional Analysis - for which you can do a 3 years degree to understand the dynamics).

There is a difference between Sympathy and Empathy. There is a difference between Narcissism and Empathy. (I describe Empathy as the antedote to Narcissism).

There is a difference in how we communicate when '...now is not a good time for me...', but we are forced to do communication. It can quickly go downhill.

There is a difference in how we communicate when there is a power imbalance. There is a difference in how we communicate when Shame is at work (very much applicable to those with Sex/Porn/Love Addiction - remembering my mathematical formula - SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX/PORN ADDICTION.

Know the terrain in which YOU are communicating. Remember that the biggest aspect of effective communication is what we take in with our eyes.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone to access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

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Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Podcast, biology, gender, Gary McFarlane

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Sex addict, your body demeanour is going to give you away. Know the facts about the body and how you main have trained it to 'tell on you'!

When we first meet someone we form a very strong impression of them within the first 40 seconds. We form a lasting opinion of them within the first 4 minutes. Our opinion will influence the way in which we respond and behave towards that person until something happens to cause us to change our mind. Even then, changing our mind is a process and is not immediate.

Our voice and body language communicate about 93% of our message. Let’s break that down a bit more. Dependent upon the statistics that you read, anything from 55% to 70% of what is communicated and we take in, is what we gain visually, using our sight. In other words what we see. 38% comes from what we hear (tone, pitch of voice etc) and only 7% comes from the actual words that we hear. Remember words are ambiguous.

The way someone dresses influences opinion. As a speaker, if I dress in a way that is insensitive, inappropriate or is causing you to pay more attention to it; perhaps I have been culturally insensitive in my dress sense; then for quite a long time you will have been absorbed with that fact. You will have stopped listening effectively and be distracted in your thoughts, although you will have been “hearing” noise coming out of my mouth. There is a great difference between listening and hearing.

If you detect a nervous disposition from me as I am speaking to you, my nervous disposition and shaking hands will be giving you mixed messages and reduce the impact of what I am saying. What is the importance of all of this?

It is important to maximise that which takes in most of the information whilst we communicate. That is the visual. Therefore, avoid having those important conversations sitting side by side, particularly with the television on. Text messages can be disastrous when dealing with important matters. Laying side by side and pillow talk conversations can become problematic if the subject has more importance to one of you than is realised by the other.

I am not saying not to do it, but I want you to be aware that the aim should be to maximise eye to eye and body to body visual contact.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone to access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Want to access past episodes for a small monthly fee - Here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412/support

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Podcast, biology, gender, Gary McFarlane

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When we are communicating, the information is passing through the filters of the different structures of the brain. Sex Addiction does damage the brain and so, damages the filters.

We all have filters. The message being transmitted is going through the receiver, but the receiver has filters and that means the message can come out the other end looking very different to what went in and was received. A damaged or compromised brain may incorrectly filter the message.

For there to be effective transmission and receipt, the equipment must be working well. Stress, headaches, worry, multi-tasking and distractions are some things which act as blocks to effective transmission. Fight, Flight Freeze, Brain damage, dopamine and other neurochemical highs or lows, are other compromises to the filtering mechanisms of the brain.

We need to learn to listen effectively and hear well. The speaker must have a clear idea of what they intend to communicate. The recipient must feel the message is relevant and be interested or greater levels of concentration will be required. The time and place must be appropriate. Both should be free from interference from strong emotions and past history! They must share the same language and not have coded meanings.

The problem we have is that on a lot of occasions many of those things are not present and so there are problems in transmitting and/or receiving. Filters may act as blocks. What is said is not what we want to hear and so we do not listen and/or we do not interpret it the way it was intended. That can all be happening consciously or even unconsciously. It is the unconscious which is perhaps more difficult to identify and address.

Don’t be entrenched and fixed in your views. Don’t be dogmatic. Leave scope for a different opinion. I demonstrate this in therapy by showing ambiguous picture and ask each person to describe what they see. Some cannot see all the different images contained in one picture. They need help. When pointed out, they exclaim with pleasure that they too can now see the differing images! But they needed help. Until they received help, many will hold firmly to their view that there is nothing further to be seen.

Life is not always Black and White. Sometimes we all need help to see and better understand that which we just cannot see or understand with our own five senses. Sometimes we need someone to help us introduce some colour into our black and white, all or nothing way of thinking. That so often is all that counselling is - just adding some colour!

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone to access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Pod

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"A friend asks, "Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship." Another friend says, "LISTEN!" — Santosh Kalwar

As we continue to Repair broken communication in the couple because of Sex/Porn/Love Addiction trauma damage - recognise there is a big difference between Listening and Hearing.

Sometimes we need to think outside of the box. Often we need a little help to see how we restrict our own thinking!

The 9 Dots exercise is a good illustration of how we need to break out of self-imposed constraints and break out of boxes. Try the exercise.

'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus (book by John Gray). 'Men don’t listen and women cannot read maps' (book by Allan & Barbara Pease). Males and females may have varying interpretation for different words that are used.

'It's not about the nail in my head' - that you are looking at and being distracted by, as you are speaking to me! Watch out, you are going to end up as 'Men in the dog house'. In fact, that may be impossible to avoid!

How do the sexes ever get it together? Earth seems to be the planet whose orbit of the sun is between that of Mars and Venice and so there is proof that we can get it together - at times!

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone to access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

British Podcast Awards 2025: Consider voting for this Podcast? https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Podcast, biology, gender, Gary McFarlane

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Remember our foundational question: 'Do you enter a conversation to be understood or to understand?'

Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get to your destination, but not very fast and it is taking more effort to cover the distance.

Now let’s remove one of the bicycle wheels and take a look at what we have in front of us. We can view the hub in the middle and call it “communication”. The hub needs to be tight and work well, because attached to it are the spokes. The spokes are various life issues that we all face. Life will throw up lots of stuff that we have to deal with.

Those spokes (or life issues) can be negotiated around and got over much better by the two of you where the hub (communication) is tight and working well for the two of you. How do we tighten the hub so that it keeps the spokes tightly attached to it and stop the wheel warping and hindering progress?

The intention is to tighten up the hub so that when communication is working much better for the two of you, both of you can better tackle life issues. Let us look at the features of Communication. It includes body posture, gestures (such as head nods), facial expression, eye contact, physical proximity, appearance, style of speech, tone and volume of voice, words (and the different meanings they may have to you) and physical contact (such as hand shakes). Remember cultural differences and word nuances!

The intention is that when therapy comes to an end, armed with new communication skills, each is better equipped to tackle those spoke issues which life will continue to throw up. Improved communication skill is a life skill which works in the home, work, gym or wherever interaction with another takes place.

Sometimes we need to think outside of the box. Often we need a little help to see how we restrict our own thinking!

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone to access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

British Podcast Awards 2025: Consider voting for this Podcast? https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Podcast, biology, gender, Gary McFarlane

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"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable." — David Augsburger

Listening effectively is a very valuable gift to someone. It is costly. It values the other person. It is learned and must be practiced. There is a difference between hearing and listening. Listening means that the information stops in the brain and is processed and digested. When information is not digested, then you will find you did not really listen to it and take it in and it quickly is forgotten.

Five types of poor listeners:

1. The advisor: instead of seeking to understand and empathise, they will want to sort out the problem by proposing a fix it. Sometimes the person who has spoken, only wanted to be heard and listened to without a solution. We men can struggle with that. What – no advice wanted!

2. The interrupter: whilst a person is speaking, they are already working out a reply and interrupt when they think they have the answer, before all is shared. Whilst the brain is working out the reply they are not truly listening. Sometimes we are not aware that we interrupt each other.

3. The reassurer: is a person who perhaps interrupts prematurely and gives advice that may belittle what has been said. For example, “It’II be OK”.

4. The rationaliser: that person focuses on explaining why the other feels the way they do. The replies may actually totally miss the point.

5. The deflector: perhaps feels uncomfortable with the subject matter and instead of commenting on the issue, moves the conversation off into a different arena. Often ends up talking more about themself.

Sometimes we cannot see it. Sometimes we need some help to see it. Sometimes the constraints are self-imposed. Sometimes we need to remove the shackles from our own minds so that we can think outside of the box.

We can teach our brains to say the right things, but our heart can betray us. In other words, whilst we are saying what we have rehearsed in our minds, our body language could be giving off a very different impression and contradict our spoken words! The other person is likely to detect that we are not really listening and feel devalued.

Repeatedly devaluing the other person, causes core emotional needs to be depleting. Fight and/or flight will start to come out as they seek to get those needs met elsewhere.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

British Podcast Awards 2025: Consider voting for this Podcast? https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Se

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We are continuing to look at Couples Counselling to 'Repair' the Sex, Porn, Love Addiction relationship damage. Let's focus on 'Communication'.

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." — Ralph Nichols.

Communication is way more than words that come out of mouths. Do you enter conversations to be understood or is it to understand. Very different styles and approach?

Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get to your destination, but not very fast and it is taking more effort to cover the distance.

Now let’s remove one of the bicycle wheels and take a look at what we have in front of us. We can view the hub in the middle and call it 'communication'. The hub needs to be tight and work well, because attached to it are the spokes. The spokes are various life issues that we all face. Life will throw up lots of stuff that we have to deal with.

Those spokes or life issues can be negotiated around and got over much better by the two of you where the hub (communication) is tight and working well for the two of you. How do we tighten the hub so that it keeps the spokes tightly attached to it and stop the wheel warping and hindering progress?

The intention is to tighten up the hub so that when communication is working much better for the two of you, both of you can better tackle life's issues.

There is a difference between Men & Women! Men really are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

British Podcast Awards 2025: Would you consider voting for this Podcast? https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Podcast, biology, gender, Gary McFarlane

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The report found that 58% of respondents had seen violent pornography, including strangulation and rape scenes, before age 18, with girls more likely than boys to witness such content. Children are exposed to increasingly extreme online pornography, with concerns that new restrictions may be easily circumvented through VPNs. Worry was expressed, that even with new rules, users could bypass restrictions, as VPN usage in the UK had already increased significantly.

70% of respondents had seen it, with an average age of first exposure being 13. Boys were more likely than girls to have seen pornography and vulnerable children, including those receiving free school meals or having disabilities, were more likely to have encountered it by age 11. Children are more likely to stumble upon pornography on social media sites like Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok than on dedicated porn sites, with many discovering it by accident rather than actively seeking it out.

X (formerly Twitter) is the most common source (outstripping the dedicated porn sites!). Other social media sites where porn is accessed, includes Snapchat at 29%, Instagram at 23%, TickTok at 22% and Youtube at 15%.

All of this is a big deal because of what is being set up in this early childhood development stage, which will play out in adulthood. Consider the definition of Porn addiction which I use:

"A pattern of sexual behaviours which pre-occupy your thoughts and are out of control. You cannot stay stopped for a sustainable period or consistently and it has harmful consequences and the behaviour serves a function in your life and it is used primarily to anaesthetize some negative feeling state. (The important criterion, which makes it an addiction, rather than a love of sex, is that, it serves a function)".

Many view the phase of childhood from birth to age 6 (and beyond) as a critical time of sensitivity, during which time, templates are created which shape future interpersonal interactions. During the sensitive period of development, a child acquires a variety of new abilities and skills that are a necessary part of child development.

There are five sensitive period categories, which include language, order, sensory skills, motor skills, and social skills. For example, The onset of male sexual imprinting is from aged 3 to 4 and peaks at 8 to 9, with an upper tail at about aged 13.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords:sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual traum

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