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Human beings have a life cycle. Each stage is marked by subtle adjustments to cope with the social, economical, cultural and sometimes, chronic stressors of the stage. Here is just one version of Life Stage age grouping categories. There are variants.

Let us look at one version. Each stage looking at the different phases of life:

Infant (Birth- 2 years): Changes in schedules – bedtime, routine etc., strangers and chaos can cause anxiety during this phase.

Child (3-9 years): Separation anxiety can be seen as the children start going to school. Social skills and peer relationships are developed during this stage.

Adolescent (10-19 years): Peer pressure, romantic relationships and independent identity are common changes during puberty. These may bring about strong emotional reactions and behavioural risks.

Young adult (20-29 years): Beginning college, taking up a job, starting a family and buying a house are some of the significant events during this stage and may demand moving out of your comfort zone.

Adult (30-39 years): Managing family and career growth along with increased responsibilities may lead to stress.

Middle age (40-60 years): First signs of aging and effects of lifestyle, menopause in women, children leaving the house, grandchildren arriving, career peak – all these things may all take a toll on a person’s mental and physical health.

Independent old age (Age 60 onward): More signs of aging and lifestyle effects. Retirement, health problems and medications may cause a strain on a person in this stage.

Dependent old age (Optional stage): The feeling of being dependent and requiring assistance may disturb a person and may reduce their ability to enjoy life.

End of Life: This is the time when a person realizes that he/she has come close to the end and may require a lot of pep talk and love and care.

Why are these stages of interest? Life Stages are NOT Mid-life crises, as some like to call them. Often said in a negative or derogatory way.

Each stage has its own issues that may need help to negotiate through. But what if a partner is going through Life Stage changes in different ways and at different points in life?

That is a recipe for much conflict and can feel like that partner is 'moving the goal posts' by doing behaviours outside of the norm in the relationship.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

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Let's check that we are on the same page as we have a discussion about 'Values'. I am speaking about such things as being able to be Creative, have Integrity, Fitness, Security, Faith, Self Confidence, Wealth, Winning, Honesty and many more.

In the cool light of day, we would never purposely/consciously/intentionally trash our Values. They are a part of us and how we do life, want to do life and choose to do life on planet earth.

Our Values define us; define who we are; represent who we are; shape who we are. How dare you invite me to just flippantly get rid of one of my Values; destruct, destroy - trash my Values. Why on earth would anyone do that?

So, my question is - when Sex/Porn addiction triggers arise and you 'Act out', is the fact of Acting out, an indication that you have just Trashed all of you Values?

Can you see patterns of activities and behaviours which show you undermining those dearly held Values, which in other situations, you would and could never undermine or trash your Values. Look how you undermine and trash your Values when emotions - such as conflict with a partner - gets the better of you; also when 'Acting out' beckons.

Neural Pathway repetitive hamster wheel patterns of behaviours (from past learned and even inherited scripts from family) may be at work repeatedly, but you did not notice, analyse or give credence to what you were doing? You were actually trashing and undermining your strongly held Values.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

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It is worth listening again to the first part of this topic (in a recent past episode) - entitled: Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!" -

This is a continuation of that topic talking about Core Emotional Needs. This is part 2 of how Passive-Aggressive behaviours can show up - as a way of trying to get Core Emotional Needs met.

Do you know what are your top 3 most important Core Emotional Needs? Do you FIGHT like this? Do you FLIGHT like this? Do you Freeze like this? - but it is all about repeatedly practised behaviours as a attempt to get depleted Core Emotional Needs met. Some of them are: Approval, Acceptance, Support, Security, Comfort, Respect - amongst others.

When Core motional Needs are depleted and at reserve levels, as human beings, we will do one of three things to try to get them met, since they are not negotiable. Critical levels will see us doing Fight, Flight and/or Freeze.

Which one of those three do you think that you predominantly use? It may not actually be the obvious one that you first think you do. Listen to the two parts of this podcast and the examples of fight, flight , freeze which I demonstrate.

Over 90% of the couples in conflict that we see in The Kairos Centre, have, at the root of their conflict - fight, flight, freeze - as they try to get their Core Emotional Needs met. Often, it will take the form of Passive-Aggressive behaviours. (This is a big deal which needs to be understood well).

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

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Grab your popcorn, peanuts and a drink, this is a long episode. It is a bonus episode, bringing it all together in one episode.

I was interviewed by Seen&heard (an organisation supporting those traumatised by boarding school attendance) - for whom I am one of their Directory of experienced Therapists working with those different Traumas.

In this very personal and up close interview of me and my journey through childhood, adulthood and life, I look at various issues, including Insecure Attachment and its significant impact on me; transitioning from being the Solicitor, career changing to become the Therapist; title 't' Traumas & big 'T' Traumas.

Intergenerational scripts from past family which adversely impacts us and sets up subsequent family members towards a trajectory; training to counsel Singles, Couples, Partners, Marrieds; me becoming a Psychosexual/Sex Therapist; then a specialist trained Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Therapist - where each of those Addictions are quite distinct from each other; specialist support for impacted partners - separate from the Addict - (particularly female partners traumatised by learning about the Sex/Porn/Love Addiction); Co-addictions and what is waiting in the wings when you try to get rid of Porn or Sex Addiction.

Eye Movement Desensitisation Repossessing (EMDR); SHAME+ NARCISSISM = SEX/PORN ADDICTION; need for a 12 Steps Support Group; need to Diagnose the childhood development issues first - before a Recovery Programme; my Diagnostic sessions & the world's first Video-on-Demand (pre-recorded videos with workbooks) Recovery Programme; what is 'Love Addiction'.

It is not weakness to need help from others at some point in our lives; it may be counselling for mental health issues. Compulsions get passed on to the next generation - the children; becoming sensitised to partner's body; Therapy with The Kairos Centre is about moving as much insights from the Unconscious into the Conscious.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

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What is passive-aggressive behaviour? Do you fight like this?

Passive-aggressive behaviour is when you express negative feelings indirectly instead of openly talking about them. It is a defence used to protect self. It might stem from early experiences and has become a way to protect self. It might also include feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self-esteem. It is often vindictive and a way of doing "fight' with someone.

It is a way of expressing negative feelings, rather than talking openly about the issue which as caused upset. It is a way to communicate anger and other forms of distress, without openly acknowledging the emotions. It might take the form of action or inaction. An example might be, the person who attends an event (unwillingly), then is rude or hostile. Alternatively, it might be that they avoid the event and give a partner the “silent treatment.” That is overt aggression, adopted as a communication style, as revenge for an upset caused to them.

Someone who uses passive aggression may feel angry, resentful, or frustrated, but they act neutral, pleasant, or even cheerful. They then find indirect ways to show how they really feel. They might say one thing, but do something quite contrary. They may do the thing they do not want to do and brood and complain whilst doing it.

They might do something that seems kind (on the surface), but is opposite to the other person's expectation and preference. For example, someone who knows you are trying to lose weight, purposely buys a large sugary birthday cake for you.

Passive aggression is a common coping mechanism that many people use from time to time, especially when they want to avoid direct conflict. People who engage in passive aggression may feel just as aggressive or hostile as those who adopt more overt forms of aggression.

Anger, frustration, and displeasure are normal emotions. People who rely on passive aggression rather than direct communication to show these emotions often grew up in a family where that behaviour was common. It might not have felt safe for them to directly express their feelings as a child.

Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior - like these other examples:

Limit/curtail communication: when clearly there is a problematic issue present

Avoiding/Ignoring/evading: because anger won't allow you to address the issue calmly

Procrastinating: intentionally putting off something and knowing it will adversely affect the other person(s)

Obstructing/deliberately stalling/preventing something

Avoiding situations: where competition might show you in an unfavourable light

Ambiguity/cryptic/unclear: not fully engaging

Sulking/silent treatment/sullen/dogmatic: in order to get attention or sympathy.

Purposely late: knowing that will offend

Thwarting/frustrating someone expectation: to be 'bloodyminded'

Purposely forgetting key matters: to show a blatant disregard and disrespect

Limiting/withholding/avoiding Intimacy: known to be liked by the other person

Making Excuses/coming up with reasons: for not doing things

Victim role: so as to avoid taking responsibility for own role

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

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Let's talk about how well you really know yourself. Remember that the addiction behaviours are all about self-soothing to manage emotions; a time of escape from life's issues for a while. It means that many other life skills for managing emotions such as stress, pressure, anxiety, upset and other normal emotions, may never have been learned in childhood, because the addiction behaviours became the 'go-to' drug of choice.

Core Emotional Needs

Which are your top 3 Core Emotional Needs? Is it Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Comfort, Encouragement, Respect, Security or Support?

Be aware of your top 10 Core Emotional Needs, but even more importantly, be very sure that you know your top 3 core emotional needs. The very fact that we are human, means that we have these 10 core emotional needs, which have to be met. When life and circumstances do not keep these needs topped up and some dwindle beyond our critical level, then we will react, often unconsciously. Fight or flight will soon demand attention when our core emotional needs are not being met.

Fight can take the form of creating conflicts, but not being aware that we are being more contentious than usual! Flight means that we move away from a situation, into a place where we think our needs will be better met. That can take the form of longer hours at work because work or the people in the work place bring a form of comfort. They are danger zones unless we begin to read the signs.

Our partner plays a part in meeting our Core Emotional Needs, but they are not responsible. They cannot meet all of those needs. All of the systems within which we interact (such as work, home life, social, sports etc) play a part in meeting those needs, not one person only.

In the survey to determine the top 10 Core Emotional Needs, most women can identify with the need for Security within their top 3. Most men chose Respect. Couples do an Exercise with me to identify their top 3 most important Core Emotional Needs.

When you have ranked your top 3, try ranking your partner’s top 3. Then have a discussion. What you do not know, then you cannot affect or do much about. What you know about and can see, then you can affect for good – or chose not to – but you now have choice!

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction,

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“I’m the author of my own life story.

Unfortunately, I’m writing in pen

and I can’t erase my mistakes

but my future will be better than my past.” - Mr Meet

Therapy with The Kairos Centre is all about helping you to better understand you. Helping to move as much of life's issues from the unconscious, from the unseen, from the invisible, into the conscious, into the seen, into the visible.

That which you cannot seen, you have no hope of changing. Change begins when you can see some things. Therefore, it is useful to understand that Therapy with The Kairos Centre involves working with the unconscious, the unseen, the invisible.

Here are the 3 Stages that is involved in every 50 minutes Therapy session - called The Egan 3 Stages:

STAGE 1: EXPLORING - which is what takes place during each Therapy session, as we jump into the sand pit together in a curiosity way (not criticism), in order to see what we can find and move it into the consciousness, into the seen, into the visible.

STAGE 2: REFLECTING (in order to gain INSIGHT & UNDERSTANDING) - This stage belongs entirely to you. It is all about what you do with the matters which we explored together in the session, so that you chew on them, you think about them, you reflect on them outside of the session. Since, as you do so, you gain insight and greater understanding. You use a highlighter pen to make issues visible. They can never be invisible again, even if you do not move to stage 3. You can now see some things that belong to you - based upon what we explored in stage 1.

STAGE 3: ACTION/CHANGE - based upon the new insights & understanding gained, the question in front of you is - 'What ACTION/CHANGE do you what to set about implementing (or not)'. The choice belongs entirely to you and once made, The Kairos Centre continues to be alongside you to help you with the change process which you have decided upon. (You are not alone).

Another useful tool to help you recognise blind spots, is 'Johari's window'. Here is a Youtube link with an explanation about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7rlCgy6i88

Knowledge is power and so in all your getting, get understanding. That is the beginning of wisdom.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction,

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The Law of Sustainment refers to the principle that your ability to maintain progress towards your goals is closely tied to your self-image and identity. If your inner beliefs do not align with your aspirations, it can lead to inconsistency and failure to achieve lasting change.

Put slightly differently: It says 'If you see yourself in a certain way, you'll find it hard to sustain lasting change'.

Can you identify with anything in this poem?

The world’s finest Apple A poem by Julian R. Smith

"You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people

You can be the finest apple in the world - ripe, juicy, sweet,

succulent - and offer yourself to all.

But you must remember that there will be people who do not like apples.

You must understand that if you are the world's finest apple, and

someone you love does not like apples, you have the choice of becoming a banana.

But you must be warned that if you choose to become a banana

you will be a second-rate banana.

But you can always be the finest apple.

You must also realise that if you choose to be a second-rate banana.

There will be people who do not like bananas.

Furthermore,

You can spend your life trying to become the best banana -

which is impossible if you are an apple

- or you can seek again to be the finest apple".

What is clear is that somewhere in the past, something happened - usually in the childhood development period. You now find yourself trying to please people - to fit in and be accepted. You try to present a version of you to the people in the 'system' you are currently interacting in, in order to be accepted.

If that means changing from being an Apple, to a Banana, then so be it. Being accepted in that grouping is the most important factor. Therefore you constantly metamorphorise in order to please and be accepted.

The problem: You never identified and evolved into being the real authentic you or you lost the real authentic you.

So - 'standup the real authentic you' - becomes futile because the real authentic you is not known.

'Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all' - will get the response - 'Well it's all those others, isn't it!'

The Russian doll image best illustrates the protected Inner child deep inside the layers - being protected from the hostile world.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens

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