Send us Fan Mail

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

When you do Therapy/Counselling with The Kairos Centre, there are these 3 Stages which summarise the process:

Stage one: Explore - that is what we do in the 50 minutes session. We jump into the sand pit together to talk, discuss and explore the issues.

Stage two: Reflections in order to gain Insight & Understanding. That is what you do outside of the sessions. It is actually the most important stage, because that is when you make connections based on the Stage one Exploring.

Stage three: Action/Change - now that you have Explored and Reflected, you may want to do something with the insights gained; with the issues moved from the unconscious into the conscious. You will do a lot of this Action/Change yourself; but at other times, you will need help from your Therapist.

The Pothole Poem is a lovely summary and reminder of the frustrations of repeating the problem and even worse, repeating them even after you can now see and recognise them in the consciousness. "Then why do I keep repeating the patterns"?

Because the behaviours have often had decades of presence in your life - on repeat and you expect to change them within days or weeks. Not really feasible, because they will have become neural Pathways/hamster wheel behaviour patterns/habits. It takes time to break down neural pathways and change them to positive welcomed habits/practices.

There are no quick fixes with Sex/Porn/Love Addiction Recovery. Hence, I do not talk about someone achieving sobriety until one year from their last 'Acting out' behaviour.

Read the poem - A poem by Portia Nelson, published in her book, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Sex Addiction prevalence in the couple's relationship is likely to create tension, conflict , hurt and damage to trust and therefore undermine to couple's relationship. Repair will be needed and almost certainly third party trained help will be beneficial.

When "Mrs Porn" is on her way out and a distance down the road - not necessarily having been gone for a long period - but going is detectible - it's time to work on repairing the couple. Up until then, the couple have different work to do and different journeys, before joint work.

What is a Repair Attempt? Consider this - from The Gottman Institute: "A repair attempt is any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, Ph.D., calls repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. His ground breaking research shows “the success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish or flounder.”

What do we do when our repair attempts fall flat? The simple act of making repair attempts is not enough. Knowing your partner, by understanding their "Needs"/Love Language/Apology Language/The Five Loves (in my book The Art Of Loving) - will help to devise ways to effectively de-escalate a conflict/argument -often arising from the betrayal. Each has lost their best friend.

Conflict is inevitable and is not necessarily bad. It is very hard to remain in conflict with someone you are touching and embracing. The block is letting go of pride and actually making the first move to touch the other person. You should try it!

All our deepest fears stem from our desire for connection (to be secure) and significance. Our deepest fears are therefore to lose connection and lack significance.

There are 7 A’s of an effective confession - as a first step towards Repair & Rebuilding connection. They are:

1. Address everyone involved: admit to your role which contributed to the conflict - to every person who has been directly affected.

2. Avoid “if”, “but” and “maybe”: do not use words that shift the blame to others or appear to minimise or excuse your guilt.

3. Admit specifically: identify the specific behaviour which you need to change.

4. Acknowledge the hurt: show that you are trying to understand the way someone must havefelt by your behaviour.

5. Accept the consequence: the consequence may have been severe and restitution may benecessary.

6. Alter your behaviour: explain to the person you offended how you plan to alter your behaviour in the future.

7. Ask for forgiveness (and allow the other person time). (Forgiveness is one of the most valuable gifts possible. It is very important to understand true Forgiveness, before giving it. A part of Forgiveness is a promise never to again raise the issue against the person! (That can be very tough to uphold).

Sex Addict - this applies to you: "If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction" — DietrichBonhoeffer

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Negative thinking is also a form of meditation - meditation on the wrong thing.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural) principles kick in - which tells us - my thinking (whether negative or positive) will always determine and lead to my behaviour. Therefore, a negative schema is being set up, such that negative behaviours are merely following the pre-determine trajectory set in place by cognitive/thinking.

Change comes from the principle: "If you can change your mind, you can change your life" ie If you can change your thinking, you can change the trajectory of your life.

When you think about a ship's trajectory, visualise the fact of a one degree shift in the rudder and where that ship will be in just one hour. Change is all about small degrees of shifts; no big leaps. Quickly gone = quickly return - when it comes to Sex/Porn/Love Addiction Recovery.

At the Kairos Centre, we do not speak about someone gaining sobriety until 1 year from the last acting out. It takes time to rewire the brain and install new neural pathways, coming out of new thinking.

May it be said of you: "I am now in control of my life. It was not always so". "How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win." — G.K. Chesterton

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

You really are not as bad as yo think you are. Honestly!

Your sense of who you really are has gone adrift. Try the exercise in today's video, to reclaim right perspectives over time.

Self compassion is needed - toward self. Don't be that hard on yourself. Too much self chastisement and insufficient praise and acknowledgement of an achievement, has enhanced that self deprecation. Stop it now!

Do the exercise for at least 30 days. Get to know you. Get to like you. Get to like you. The glass is half full and not always half empty - in your thinking.

Become more self compassionate and therefore, more self caring. You are worth it. You deserve it.

You really cannot love your close other, at the level that you think you do, if you don't love yourself first! Challenge me on that one!

We need to get you to a place of "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all. Well it's me of course". (And you say it with a smile). Ok - I will let go of forcing you to say it with a smile - to start with, but it needs to come.

Begin the exercise described and be faithful in practising it for at least 30 days - consistently.

Take small incremental steps. The Kairos Centre does not work with quick fixes; otherwise quickly in, quickly undone and out. Rather - let's see 'here a little; there a little; a little bit here and a little bit there". Remember the Pothole poem:

A poem by Portia Nelson: There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self- Discovery

Verse I: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Verse II: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Verse III: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Verse IV: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Verse V: I walk down another street.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Life Stages (not Midlife Crises!) is about how Human Development is divided into distinct Stages. Here is a reminder of those Stages:

Prenatal -> infancy -> early childhood -> middle childhood -> adolescence -> early adulthood -> middle adulthood -> late adulthood.

It is stating the obvious, but recognise (and not only pay lip-service) to the fact that each Stage is marked by certain unique traits, patterns, behaviours, thought processes and its own individual characteristics.

Therefore, each Stage has its own challenges - where it can feel like an unfair moving of the goal posts; an unfair shift which impacts the dynamics of the relationship and the (signed!) Manifesto terms of partnership role which you each had signed up to at the beginning of the relationship or had evolved over time. It is reasonable for one partner to cry 'foul' and 'unfair' - when they are experiencing the shifts; a moving of the goal post.

We are all developing as Human Beings. That continues until we leave planet Earth! There will be these milestones. They will raise challenges.

We will need to negotiate our way through how our unique individual self, with our culture - ever evolving - creates challenges in relationships and puts pressures upon it.

Since it is an ongoing lifetime process, there are times when partners may be left scratching their heads and asking 'What just happened' or 'What's going on' and not be able to readily find answers or an explanation; made worse because the changing and evolving other partner, may also not themself understand or know why they are doing or not doing those certain actions/inaction and are left scratching their own head.

The couple may need input from a Therapist.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Human beings have a life cycle. Each stage is marked by subtle adjustments to cope with the social, economical, cultural and sometimes, chronic stressors of the stage. Here is just one version of Life Stage age grouping categories. There are variants.

Let us look at one version. Each stage looking at the different phases of life:

Infant (Birth- 2 years): Changes in schedules – bedtime, routine etc., strangers and chaos can cause anxiety during this phase.

Child (3-9 years): Separation anxiety can be seen as the children start going to school. Social skills and peer relationships are developed during this stage.

Adolescent (10-19 years): Peer pressure, romantic relationships and independent identity are common changes during puberty. These may bring about strong emotional reactions and behavioural risks.

Young adult (20-29 years): Beginning college, taking up a job, starting a family and buying a house are some of the significant events during this stage and may demand moving out of your comfort zone.

Adult (30-39 years): Managing family and career growth along with increased responsibilities may lead to stress.

Middle age (40-60 years): First signs of aging and effects of lifestyle, menopause in women, children leaving the house, grandchildren arriving, career peak – all these things may all take a toll on a person’s mental and physical health.

Independent old age (Age 60 onward): More signs of aging and lifestyle effects. Retirement, health problems and medications may cause a strain on a person in this stage.

Dependent old age (Optional stage): The feeling of being dependent and requiring assistance may disturb a person and may reduce their ability to enjoy life.

End of Life: This is the time when a person realizes that he/she has come close to the end and may require a lot of pep talk and love and care.

Why are these stages of interest? Life Stages are NOT Mid-life crises, as some like to call them. Often said in a negative or derogatory way.

Each stage has its own issues that may need help to negotiate through. But what if a partner is going through Life Stage changes in different ways and at different points in life?

That is a recipe for much conflict and can feel like that partner is 'moving the goal posts' by doing behaviours outside of the norm in the relationship.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Let's check that we are on the same page as we have a discussion about 'Values'. I am speaking about such things as being able to be Creative, have Integrity, Fitness, Security, Faith, Self Confidence, Wealth, Winning, Honesty and many more.

In the cool light of day, we would never purposely/consciously/intentionally trash our Values. They are a part of us and how we do life, want to do life and choose to do life on planet earth.

Our Values define us; define who we are; represent who we are; shape who we are. How dare you invite me to just flippantly get rid of one of my Values; destruct, destroy - trash my Values. Why on earth would anyone do that?

So, my question is - when Sex/Porn addiction triggers arise and you 'Act out', is the fact of Acting out, an indication that you have just Trashed all of you Values?

Can you see patterns of activities and behaviours which show you undermining those dearly held Values, which in other situations, you would and could never undermine or trash your Values. Look how you undermine and trash your Values when emotions - such as conflict with a partner - gets the better of you; also when 'Acting out' beckons.

Neural Pathway repetitive hamster wheel patterns of behaviours (from past learned and even inherited scripts from family) may be at work repeatedly, but you did not notice, analyse or give credence to what you were doing? You were actually trashing and undermining your strongly held Values.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

Support the show