When the ground drops out from under you (a discovered affair, a hidden addiction, a partner who wasn't who you thought), what actually rebuilds trust? And who do you become on the other side?

Pam and Erin sit down with Tyler Patrick, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist with 20 years in the trenches of betrayal trauma and addiction recovery, and co-host of the Therapy Brothers podcast (500+ episodes). Tyler doesn't teach this from a textbook. Seven years into his marriage, while working as a therapist teaching couples how to save theirs, his own secret came to light. What he saw in his wife's eyes that day changed the direction of his life.

Pam shares her own betrayal recovery, including the moment she realized she had known all along and had overridden her inner knowing to keep the peace. The real cost wasn't only the relationship. It was self-trust.

In this episode:

• The cycle of shame: core beliefs, the "masks" we over-perform, and why the devoted partner and the secret can be the same wound

• Why behaviours are only the fruit, and the roots you actually have to address

• The betrayed partner's fear cycle: hypervigilance, 2 a.m. cortisol wake-ups, and the identity loss no one warns you about

• Where betrayal lives in the body, and why the mind gets it before the body catches up

• Why empathy and validation have nothing to do with agreeing with someone

• What each partner should (and shouldn't) do in the first 30 days after discovery

• The Trust Equation: shame resiliency + rigorous honesty + empathy + consistent effort over time

• How to tell a true gut feeling from an old fear response by finding where head and heart overlap

• Relapse, the mosquito-bite metaphor, and why recovery is a lifestyle of growth, not a stop sign

• Do we owe anyone forgiveness? ("the F word") and the Buddhist teaching of the second arrow

Resources mentioned:

• Mending a Shattered Heart, edited by Stefanie Carnes

• The Anatomy of Peace, The Arbinger Institute

Connect with Tyler:

Therapy Brothers podcast: https://therapybrothers.org

Love Strong (therapy & coaching): https://lovestrong.com

Rising Son men's retreat: https://risingson.org

Connect with Grit & Grace:

Pam Rader: https://pamrader.com

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@coachpamrader

If this landed for you, share it with one person who needs to hear that repair is possible. Follow Grit & Grace wherever you listen and leave a rating. It helps these conversations reach the people who need them.

When you're in a funk, what's the first thing you want to do? Go home, shut the door, and figure out what's wrong with you. It feels like self-care. Most of the time, it's the thing keeping you stuck.

In this episode of Grit and Grace, Pam Rader and Erin Payne make a bold case: a lot of our unhappiness comes from being a little too into ourselves. There's a difference between rest and hiding, and most of us can't tell which one we're doing.

Pam shares the business decision that had her starring in "the movie of me, myself and I," and Erin gets honest about the enlightenment loop: trying so hard to fix yourself that you end up in the gutter for days. Together they dig into what yoga philosophy, Buddhist teaching and modern research all say about self-focus, and why the way out isn't deeper in. It's out and up.

IN THIS EPISODE

- Rest vs. hiding, and how to tell the difference

- Co-regulation: why your nervous system is not a sealed unit

- The hand-holding brain scan study, and why we borrow each other's calm

- Why loneliness makes people look more dangerous, so we cancel plans right when we need them

- The Chicago commuter study: everyone predicts solitude will feel better, and everyone is wrong

- Why rumination feels like problem solving but makes you worse at solving the problem

- The "two awakenings" and why the most spiritual thing you can do is be a human with other humans

- The pebble, the coal and the cup: three images that will change how you see your problem

- Erin's pushback: what if you're a recovering people pleaser who hasn't focused on herself since 2009?

THE LIFT METHOD

L: Label the loop. Am I solving this, or circling it?

I: Inhabit the body. One long exhale. What is my body doing right now?

F: Find the fire. Move toward people before you feel like it.

T: Turn it outward. Who can I show up for today?

YOUR HOMEWORK

1. Say yes to one thing you want to cancel. Notice your forecast before and how you feel after.

2. One reach-out a day. A text, a call, two minutes.

3. When you catch the loop, ask: who can I show up for today?

"We treat connection like dessert, but the body treats it like food."

RESEARCH MENTIONED

Coan, Schaefer & Davidson (2006), hand-holding and threat response

Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton (2010), social relationships and survival

Cacioppo & Hawkley (2009), loneliness and social threat

Epley & Schroeder (2014), "Mistakenly Seeking Solitude"

Nolen-Hoeksema et al. (2008), "Rethinking Rumination"

Dunn, Aknin & Norton (2008), spending on others and happiness

WORK WITH US

Become the Catalyst, one-on-one coaching, retreats and events: https://pamrader.com

Instagram: https://instagram.com/pamrader

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@coachpamrader

If this one landed, send it to a friend. That can be your reach-out for today. A rating or review helps more people find the show.

If you pray for peace, you might just be given a storm in which to practice it.

This week Pam and Erin recorded in the middle of real life. Erin's four-year-old is home sick (and makes a few cameos), and Pam just got back from a Nashville trip that started with a bear sighting, a bloody fall on the way to the airport, and a phone left in an Uber. Then came the noise and crowds of Broadway, a $12 beer, and a nervous system that had hit its limit.

It would be easy to blame Nashville, the prices, a sick kid, or the person beside you. But peace doesn't come from your circumstances. It comes from how you show up inside them.

In this episode:

- Why "the land of later on" doesn't exist, and why waiting for calm keeps you stuck

- How your body tells you you're off center, and why catching it early matters

- Erin's reframe: balance isn't a place you arrive at. You create it, and then it arrives.

- Why nervous system resilience works like heart-rate recovery

- How every "should" and "shouldn't" puts you in an argument with reality you'll lose every time

- Why we blame, and how the brain's path of least resistance keeps us stuck there

- Micro moments of softness you can take on even the busiest day

- The road trip where Pam bought a van to escape her own family

Three questions to find your way back to peace:

1. What do I want to feel more of right now?

2. What do I need to give up to make space for it?

3. What can I do right now to move closer to that feeling?

Chapters:

00:00 Pray for peace, get a storm

01:07 Erin's chaos: a sick four-year-old

02:24 Pam's Nashville trip goes sideways

05:37 When your nervous system hits its limit

08:16 The road trip where Pam bought a van

10:10 The land of later on doesn't exist

10:48 How your body tells you you're off center

11:48 Balance isn't a place you arrive at

12:22 Train your nervous system like your heart

14:16 The $12 beer and the rumination spiral

17:38 When your plans get derailed

20:10 Shoulds, shouldn'ts, and arguing with reality

23:08 Micro moments of softness

26:01 Three questions to return to peace

31:03 Why we point the finger

35:57 When you're too triggered to see clearly

36:54 Let the snow globe settle

38:24 Why we practice on the easy days

39:14 Become the Catalyst

Ready to go deeper? Become the Catalyst, our 6-month coaching certification, starts October 20 and has a few spots left. You don't have to want to be a coach. This is for anyone ready to break generational patterns and change how they relate to themselves and the people around them. Book a discovery call: https://pamrader.com

If this episode resonated, please rate, review, and share the show. Send us your questions and topic requests. We read every message.

Connect with Pam

Website: https://pamrader.com

Instagram: https://instagram.com/pamrader

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@coachpamrader

Connect with Erin

Website: https://erinpayne.ca

Instagram https://instagram.com/_epayne-

Ever wonder why building muscle requires literally tearing it? Failure works the same way — and today Pam and Erin unpack the real biology behind why avoiding failure might be hurting you more than failing ever could.

This isn't "failure is part of growth" as a platitude. It's hormesis — the same biological principle behind muscle growth, immune resilience, and aging — applied to your confidence, motivation, and nervous system. Andrew Huberman's research shows mistakes trigger the exact brain chemicals (acetylcholine, epinephrine, dopamine) required for real learning. Not correlated with it — required.

Pam and Erin get personal: Erin's studio closing when her business partner ghosted her mid-pandemic. Pam's digital course that sold exactly 3 copies after weeks of work. The parking-lot parenting fails we all hide. And a raw look at how failure got wired into shame in childhood — not by what our parents believed about us, but by the face they made when we messed up (Stanford research).

You'll also hear Pam's story about her son's 29 treatment attempts — reframed not as failure, but as extraordinary persistence.

Four practical tools to change your relationship with failure:

1. Vote, not verdict — every attempt is a vote for who you're becoming

2. The mirror question — would I want this reaction modeled for a child?

3. The blameless debrief — what happened, what did we learn, no blame (Amy Edmondson's research)

4. Retroactive reframe — look back and find the true opposite meaning

Plus: why "perfectionism" is often just failure-avoidance wearing a nicer name.

🎧 Timestamps

00:41 – The muscle-tear metaphor: why we lean into physical failure but avoid emotional failure

02:56 – Erin's studio closing & business partner ghosting her

05:51 – Pam's digital course flop — 3 copies sold

06:56 – The "get in the car" parking lot fail

09:48 – What hormesis actually is

12:02 – Huberman: the brain chemicals only failure can trigger

15:23 – Amy Edmondson's hospital team research & psychological safety

16:39 – Childhood failure imprinting: it's the face, not the words

25:08 – Reframing failure as "the necessary mess"

32:07 – Perfectionism is a trauma response, not a virtue

35:42 – Tool 1: Vote, not verdict

36:51 – Tool 2: The mirror question

38:04 – Tool 3: The blameless debrief

41:48 – Pam's son: 29 treatment attempts, reframed

44:06 – Closing reflection

If this episode hit home, share it with someone who's stuck avoiding a risk because they're afraid to fail. Subscribe and leave a rating — it genuinely helps the show grow. 🙏

#GritAndGrace #FailureIsData #PersonalGrowth

Self-sabotage isn't a willpower problem — it's a self-trust problem. In this episode of Grit & Grace, Pam Rader and Erin Payne break down why self-sabotage, self-trust, and the nervous system are so deeply connected, and introduce the 5 Saboteur Archetypes: the Rationalizer, the Defender, the Justifier, the Comfort Loyalist, and the Discomfort-Averse.

Pam makes the case that self-sabotage isn't a discipline problem — it's a devotion problem. Discipline says do it anyway. Devotion says love yourself enough to do it anyway. That single shift — from self-force to self-love — is the difference between habits that white-knuckle for a week and identity change that actually sticks.

Erin brings the somatic lens: why avoidance dressed up as self-care or attunement gives short-term nervous system relief but erodes long-term self-trust — and shares a raw, real-time story of catching herself mid-sabotage after a family conflict.

They also unpack the research behind why this works: James Clear's "votes for identity" framework from Atomic Habits, Daryl Bem's 1972 self-perception theory, Wendy Wood's research showing 43% of daily behavior is habitual, Alan Marlatt's Buddhist-rooted "urge surfing" technique, and the yogic concepts of tapas (disciplined friction) and sankalpa (heartfelt intention).

And in one of the most vulnerable moments on the show yet, Pam opens up about her real-life relationship with co-host Brian Thiessen — the anxious-avoidant attachment work, the discomfort, and the devotion that got them there.

You'll walk away with 5 concrete steps: name your saboteur archetype, pick one embarrassingly small non-negotiable, plan for the wave before it hits, track votes instead of streaks, and return to devotion — not discipline — the moment you slip.

WORK WITH US

1:1 coaching with Pam or Erin — pamrader.com and erinpayne.ca

Inner Evolution Circle — weekly group coaching: pamrader.com

Become the Catalyst — 6-month certification, starts October 20, 2026, registration open now: pamrader.com

FREE WORKSHOP — Friday, Sept 11, 2026 at 11am (Zoom)

Live training on our C.O.R.E. methodology. Free for everyone — register even if you can't attend live to get the replay AND lock in a $500 discount on Become the Catalyst

Pam: pamrader.com | IG @pamrader | YouTube @coachpamrader

Erin: erinpayne.ca | IG @erin_payne

Why can't you manifest the thing you want — more money, the right relationship, more peace — even when you're doing everything right? In this episode of Grit & Grace, hosts Pam Rader and Erin Payne break down the real reason manifestation stalls out in the gap between wanting something and receiving it, and the missing step almost no one talks about: forgiveness.

Pam and Erin unpack Jim Curtis's framework from The Book of Possibility — Release, Align, Become — and trace the same universal truth through Abraham Hicks' teaching on contrast and the "rocket of desire," David Bayer's principle that desire plus non-resistance equals your desired result, and Baron Baptiste's line, "the answer to how is yes." They share real stories: Pam's $52,000 debt and the yoga teacher training that sold for exactly $52,000; Erin's money scarcity patterns and how she manifested a $9,000 coaching program she couldn't afford; and Pam's shift from listing qualities she wanted in a partner to asking who she needed to become instead.

The conversation lands on the ancient Hawaiian practice of Ho'oponopono — I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you — and why forgiving yourself for ever believing you weren't worthy may be the real "alignment" step between releasing an old identity and becoming the person who can hold what you want.

In this episode:

• Why vision boards and affirmations alone don't work
• The difference between chasing the "how" and trusting the lag
• Why your old identity — not bad luck — is what's blocking you
• Real stories of manifestation through becoming, not forcing
• How shadow work and spiritual bypassing can look identical
• The Ho'oponopono practice, explained simply
• A better affirmation: "I am divinely guided and perfectly on time"
• What Pam and Erin are each manifesting right now

Books mentioned:

• The Book of Possibility: Release. Align. Become. by Jim Curtis
• Zero Limits by Dr. Joe Vitale

Work with Pam & Erin: Book a free discovery call to explore 1:1 coaching: https://pamrader.com/

Become the Catalyst — our six-month live coaching certification — opens for its next cohort October 20, 2026: https://pamrader.com/

Grit & Grace Retreat waitlist: https://pamrader.com/gritandgrace

Follow the show: Pam: instagram.com/pamrader | YouTube: @coachpamrader Erin: instagram.com/erin_payne | erinpayne.ca

If this episode resonated, subscribe and leave us a review — it helps more people find the show.

Self-trust is the missing ingredient in personal development — and it's why you can do all the "right" work and still feel stuck. In this episode of Grit & Grace, Pam Rader and Erin Payne break down the exact methodology they use with coaching clients to create lasting, sustainable change: CORE — Create Safety, Observe Patterns, Restore Self-Trust, Embody & Integrate.

Pam shares the real story behind her cold plunging practice — how she started building nervous system resilience months before she consciously knew a storm was coming, and how that practice carried her through the day her marriage ended. Erin opens up about choosing herself over a relationship, and the visceral nervous system backlash that showed up the moment she took that step — even though it was exactly what she wanted.

Together they unpack why shame and self-blame block transformation, how unspoken expectations quietly sabotage relationships, and why the "terror barrier" — that gut-drop feeling right before you take aligned action — is actually a sign you're doing it right, not a sign to stop.

You'll learn:

• The CORE method for creating lasting change in any area of your life
• Why creating safety with yourself (not a toxic-free environment) is the real starting point
• A 3-part inquiry to interrupt any pattern that isn't serving you
• Why "this doesn't feel right" after a big decision is often your nervous system, not your intuition
• How to embody new behavior until it becomes identity, not just insight

This episode also introduces Become the Catalyst, Pam and Erin's six-month live coaching certification launching October 2026. Applications are open now.

Connect with us:
Pam Rader: https://pamrader.com | IG: @pamrader | YouTube: @coachpamrader
Erin Payne: https://erinpayne.ca | IG: @erin_payne

Apply for Become the Catalyst: pamrader.com

If this episode helped you, share it with someone who needs it — and leave us a rating, it helps more people find the show.

Self-trust starts the moment you stop blaming your circumstances and start naming your patterns. In this raw, funny episode, Pam Rader sits down with co-host Erin Payne and returning guest Brian Thiessen ("the cowboy") to pull apart the invisible loops that keep smart, capable people stuck in the same relationship, business, or money pattern over and over again.

They introduce the "safety officer" — the protective part of you (Pam calls hers Darlene, Erin's is Diane, Brian's is Dave) that hijacks your growth in the name of keeping you safe. It's not broken. It's not weak. It's a part of you doing exactly what it was built to do — and once you see it clearly, you can't unsee it.

This episode breaks down the real differences keeping you stuck in the loop:

• Familiarity vs. Safety — Erin's key distinction: what feels "safe" is often just familiar chaos. Real safety feels different, and most people can't recognize it because they've never actually felt it
• Dopamine vs. Oxytocin — the chemical of wanting vs. true bonding, and why we get addicted to "dopamine hunting" instead of real connection
• Discomfort vs. Wrong — why growth is supposed to feel uncomfortable, and why "this doesn't feel right" is often the exact sign you're finally doing something different
• Protection vs. Prevention — every self-sabotaging pattern exists to protect, preserve, or prevent something, and why your safety officer isn't broken, it's just doing its job too well
• Authenticity vs. Performing — Erin's real-time experiment dating multiple people at once, and the moment she noticed she liked herself with one and was performing with the others
• False Safety vs. Real Intimacy — Brian's story of building a 22-year "safe" relationship engineered to avoid the actual risk of real closeness

Plus: Name Your Officer — a simple parts-work practice for identifying your own protector, thanking it for trying to keep you safe, and moving forward anyway.

Quote of the episode: "Just because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong."

Mentioned in this episode:

• Parts work / Internal Family Systems (IFS)
• Avoidant attachment and the dopamine-oxytocin cycle
• Bob Proctor — "as within, so without"
• A previous episode on authenticity vs. performing a version of yourself

Connect with us:
Pam Rader — pamrader.com | IG @pamrader
Erin Payne — erinpayne.ca | IG @erin_payne
Watch on YouTube — youtube.com/@coachpamrader

If this episode named something you've never had words for, share it with someone who needs to hear it, rate the show, and let us know what landed for you.

Ready to go deeper? Join the waitlist for our Grit & Grace Retreat at pamrader.com/gritandgrace.

Pam's book, Through the Cracks: A Gripping Story of Addiction and Rising: https://www.amazon.ca/Through-Cracks-Gripping-Addiction-Rising/dp/1777531608