When you're in a funk, what's the first thing you want to do? Go home, shut the door, and figure out what's wrong with you. It feels like self-care. Most of the time, it's the thing keeping you stuck.

In this episode of Grit and Grace, Pam Rader and Erin Payne make a bold case: a lot of our unhappiness comes from being a little too into ourselves. There's a difference between rest and hiding, and most of us can't tell which one we're doing.

Pam shares the business decision that had her starring in "the movie of me, myself and I," and Erin gets honest about the enlightenment loop: trying so hard to fix yourself that you end up in the gutter for days. Together they dig into what yoga philosophy, Buddhist teaching and modern research all say about self-focus, and why the way out isn't deeper in. It's out and up.

IN THIS EPISODE

- Rest vs. hiding, and how to tell the difference

- Co-regulation: why your nervous system is not a sealed unit

- The hand-holding brain scan study, and why we borrow each other's calm

- Why loneliness makes people look more dangerous, so we cancel plans right when we need them

- The Chicago commuter study: everyone predicts solitude will feel better, and everyone is wrong

- Why rumination feels like problem solving but makes you worse at solving the problem

- The "two awakenings" and why the most spiritual thing you can do is be a human with other humans

- The pebble, the coal and the cup: three images that will change how you see your problem

- Erin's pushback: what if you're a recovering people pleaser who hasn't focused on herself since 2009?

THE LIFT METHOD

L: Label the loop. Am I solving this, or circling it?

I: Inhabit the body. One long exhale. What is my body doing right now?

F: Find the fire. Move toward people before you feel like it.

T: Turn it outward. Who can I show up for today?

YOUR HOMEWORK

1. Say yes to one thing you want to cancel. Notice your forecast before and how you feel after.

2. One reach-out a day. A text, a call, two minutes.

3. When you catch the loop, ask: who can I show up for today?

"We treat connection like dessert, but the body treats it like food."

RESEARCH MENTIONED

Coan, Schaefer & Davidson (2006), hand-holding and threat response

Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton (2010), social relationships and survival

Cacioppo & Hawkley (2009), loneliness and social threat

Epley & Schroeder (2014), "Mistakenly Seeking Solitude"

Nolen-Hoeksema et al. (2008), "Rethinking Rumination"

Dunn, Aknin & Norton (2008), spending on others and happiness

WORK WITH US

Become the Catalyst, one-on-one coaching, retreats and events: https://pamrader.com

Instagram: https://instagram.com/pamrader

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@coachpamrader

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