Self-trust starts the moment you stop blaming your circumstances and start naming your patterns. In this raw, funny episode, Pam Rader sits down with co-host Erin Payne and returning guest Brian Thiessen ("the cowboy") to pull apart the invisible loops that keep smart, capable people stuck in the same relationship, business, or money pattern over and over again.

They introduce the "safety officer" — the protective part of you (Pam calls hers Darlene, Erin's is Diane, Brian's is Dave) that hijacks your growth in the name of keeping you safe. It's not broken. It's not weak. It's a part of you doing exactly what it was built to do — and once you see it clearly, you can't unsee it.

This episode breaks down the real differences keeping you stuck in the loop:

• Familiarity vs. Safety — Erin's key distinction: what feels "safe" is often just familiar chaos. Real safety feels different, and most people can't recognize it because they've never actually felt it
• Dopamine vs. Oxytocin — the chemical of wanting vs. true bonding, and why we get addicted to "dopamine hunting" instead of real connection
• Discomfort vs. Wrong — why growth is supposed to feel uncomfortable, and why "this doesn't feel right" is often the exact sign you're finally doing something different
• Protection vs. Prevention — every self-sabotaging pattern exists to protect, preserve, or prevent something, and why your safety officer isn't broken, it's just doing its job too well
• Authenticity vs. Performing — Erin's real-time experiment dating multiple people at once, and the moment she noticed she liked herself with one and was performing with the others
• False Safety vs. Real Intimacy — Brian's story of building a 22-year "safe" relationship engineered to avoid the actual risk of real closeness

Plus: Name Your Officer — a simple parts-work practice for identifying your own protector, thanking it for trying to keep you safe, and moving forward anyway.

Quote of the episode: "Just because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong."

Mentioned in this episode:

• Parts work / Internal Family Systems (IFS)
• Avoidant attachment and the dopamine-oxytocin cycle
• Bob Proctor — "as within, so without"
• A previous episode on authenticity vs. performing a version of yourself

Connect with us:
Pam Rader — pamrader.com | IG @pamrader
Erin Payne — erinpayne.ca | IG @erin_payne
Watch on YouTube — youtube.com/@coachpamrader

If this episode named something you've never had words for, share it with someone who needs to hear it, rate the show, and let us know what landed for you.

Ready to go deeper? Join the waitlist for our Grit & Grace Retreat at pamrader.com/gritandgrace.

Pam's book, Through the Cracks: A Gripping Story of Addiction and Rising: https://www.amazon.ca/Through-Cracks-Gripping-Addiction-Rising/dp/1777531608