🎧 In this episode, you'll get:

• Language for the guilt that can follow suicide loss
• Permission to stop chasing an answer you may never get
• A reason to ask for help before you think you “need” it
• A better way to think about therapy when the first person isn't the right fit
• A frame for the three paths grief can put in front of you: fall apart, white-knuckle it, or use it
• Permission to cry, talk about your dad, and stop treating emotion like weakness
• Ideas for keeping your dad present through music, traditions, and rituals

Scott Panov never imagined his dad would die by suicide.

They hadn't spoken for six weeks after a family disagreement. After his dad died, Scott was left with guilt, anger, and questions he knew might never be answered.

That night, he asked for help.

This one's about suicide loss, therapy, letting go of blame, and realizing the dad you thought was superhuman was human too.

👨 Meet Scott Panov

Scott is a son, father, hockey coach, artist, and advocate for men's mental health.

After his dad Nikolai died by suicide in 2023, Scott sought trauma therapy and grief counselling. It changed how he thought about strength.

Instead of carrying everything alone, he started talking, asking for help, sharing how he felt, and supporting other men who were struggling.

⏱️ Episode chapters

00:00 — “I never would've seen it coming”

01:00 — Welcome Scott Panov

02:50 — Meet Nikolai

04:30 — Measuring yourself against your father

07:00 — Dad and Splash Mountain

10:15 — Men who weren't taught to talk

10:55 — August 24, 2023

11:40 — The phone call from Mom

12:50 — The signs nobody understood

14:35 — We hadn't spoken for six weeks

16:00 — Telling his kids

17:45 — His superhuman dad was human

18:30 — The backpack full of rocks

18:55 — Searching for a reason

19:20 — Asking for help that night

22:00 — Trauma therapy

23:15 — The three paths after trauma

24:45 — Making emotion a superpower

25:30 — Finding the right therapist

29:00 — Becoming kinder to himself

30:00 — Men's mental health

31:50 — Buying Dad records every birthday

34:30 — Where his grief is now

36:00 — “I miss my dad”

37:00 — Scott's advice to other men

Meet another guy in the club:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yutMlctDGYE

🖤 About Dead Dads

Dead Dads is a podcast for men figuring out life after losing their dad.

Hosted by Roger Nairn and Scott Cunningham, the show features honest conversations about father loss, grief, identity, family, memory, masculinity, and everything that happens after your dad dies.

No grief brochure voice. No tidy healing arc.

You're not alone.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, reach out for help. In Canada and the U.S., call or text 988.

☕ Support the show:

https://buymeacoffee.com/deaddadspodcast

Website:

https://www.deaddadspodcast.com/

Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/deaddadspodcast/

TikTok:

https://www.tiktok.com/@dead.dads.podcast

Substack:

https://substack.com/@deaddadspodcast

New episodes every week.

Produced with the support of JAR Podcast Solutions:

https://jarpodcasts.com/

This episode is for any guy whose dad disappeared in slow motion. If you've watched someone you love forget who they are — or you're the son who made the facility call — start here.

Blake Collier's dad Rodney had early-onset Alzheimer's for 14 years. Rancher. Property manager. Voracious reader. Devoted Christian. A man who used to punch holes in walls — and later became a teddy bear.

Blake parked the truck and watched his dad work in circles for 45 minutes. He sat through the mumbled Thursday prayers. He walked into a daycare where his dad didn't know who he was. And after the diagnosis, Rodney told him he'd fight it — and Blake made it about ten minutes down the road before he lost it.

This one's about the long goodbye. The genetic fear you won't get tested for. The day you say your piece knowing he might not hold it. And the line Blake wrote for the eulogy that still hits: there's 100 deaths. Which one do you want me to talk about?

In this episode, you'll get:

• Language for the slow disappearance — when “forgetting things” doesn’t cover what you’re watching

• Permission to skip the genetic test (and stop feeling weak for not wanting the answer)

• A real map of the facility decision — so you’re not inventing it alone the week it hits

• A way to say goodbye while he’s still here, without needing the perfect speech

• A frame for why it keeps hurting in waves: “there’s 100 deaths”

• A tool when talking fails — writing it down so it doesn’t sit on your chest

• Proof your grief doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to count

About Blake

Blake Collier is a writer and a son from the Texas Panhandle — the kind of place where emotions don't help with survival, until they have to. His dad Rodney was a renaissance ranch guy. Then came early-onset Alzheimer's. Fourteen years of decline. Blake rode the whole arc and processed a lot of it the only way that worked: writing it down. Not a therapist. Not a grief expert. Just a guy who took the long version of losing his dad.

Chapters

0:00 — Dad didn't know who I was

1:50 — Welcome Blake Collier

3:00 — Texas Panhandle. Emotions don't help with survival

4:20 — Rodney: ranch, property, renaissance man

5:40 — The anger that punched holes in walls

9:00 — College advice and the history switch

10:00 — Mom saw it first

10:40 — I parked the truck and watched him for 45 minutes

12:15 — "I will do my best to fight it"

12:50 — I lost it on the drive home

15:00 — The mumbled Thursday prayers

17:30 — When hope started dwindling

18:00 — The day of the facility

21:30 — The visit where I said my piece

25:00 — "There's 100 deaths"

27:00 — The genetic fear I won't get tested for

28:40 — "Ride along with me"

29:30 — Writing it down instead of saying it out loud

31:00 — Grief looks different for everybody

About Dead Dads

Dead Dads is a podcast for men figuring out life after losing their dad. Hosted by Roger Nairn and Scott Cunningham. Honest conversations about father loss, grief, identity, family, memory, masculinity, and all the strange stuff that happens after. No grief brochure voice. No tidy healing arc.

You're not alone.

Website: https://www.deaddadspodcast.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/deaddadspodcast/

Buy us a coffee: https://buymeacoffee.com/deaddadspodcast

Linktree: https://linktr.ee/deaddads

Produced with support from JAR Podcast Solutions — https://jarpodcasts.com/

This episode is for anyone who has kids. If you've ever frozen when your kid asked where grandpa went, start here.

Welcome to the first of many "Ask the Expert" episodes at Dead Dads.

Dr. Korie Leigh is a thanatologist — a grief scientist. She told us the exact words to use. Not "passed away." Not "went to sleep." Most of us use soft language to protect kids from death. Dr. Korie's research says that backfires — hard. Kids fill gaps with stories scarier than the truth.

We cover the fish story, the fence story, why the five stages of grief aren't real, the two-conversation method for separating biology from belief, how to explain cremation to a child, and the single most important sentence to say after someone dies.

Meet Dr. Korie Leigh

Dr. Korie Leigh studies death, dying, grief, and loss for a living. She teaches it at the university level, sees kids and families in her clinical practice, trains hospices and schools, and wrote When Everything Changes — a book that takes all that knowledge and makes it usable for real families at the worst possible moment. She's also the first expert we've ever had on the show. We're trying to behave.

When Everything Changes: mcnallyrobinson.com

Next in the club: Matty Woods on his dad's funeral, which had only two rules. Listen now

About Dead Dads

Honest conversations about losing your dad. Hosted by Roger Nairn and Scott Cunningham. No grief brochure voice. No tidy healing arc. Just real talk for guys figuring it out. deaddadspodcast.com

Instagram: @deaddadspodcast

New episodes every week.