What happens when the person or system you depend on for safety is also the source of harm?

In this episode, I speak with Dr Robyn Gobin, psychologist, author and former doctoral student of betrayal trauma researcher Dr Jennifer Freyd, about betrayal trauma — and why we sometimes have to remain blind to betrayal in order to preserve the relationships we depend upon.

We explore betrayal blindness, what happens when acknowledging the truth threatens attachment or belonging, and the profound impact betrayal can have on our ability to trust ourselves and our own perceptions.

We also talk about how betrayal trauma can intersect with race and marginalisation, why self-blame can sometimes feel safer than recognising that someone we trusted has harmed us, and what it takes to begin rebuilding self-trust after betrayal.

At the heart of the conversation is a question that runs through my work and this podcast: What happens when belonging requires us to abandon what we know, feel or perceive to be true?

🎧 You Don’t Have to Abandon Yourself to Belong, with Alexandra Stevens.

Follow Alexandra on Instagram: @alexandrastevensgold

Website: alexandrastevenstherapy.com

Why do we keep repeating relational patterns even when we know they no longer serve us? And how do we learn to trust ourselves, other people, and our place in the world?

In this conversation, I speak with Dr Lynne Jacobs, psychologist, psychotherapist and internationally respected voice in relational Gestalt therapy, about how our sense of self is formed through relationship. We explore her concept of Enduring Relational Themes, how it differs from attachment theory, and why behaviours we label as “avoidant” may make more sense when understood as forms of self-protection.

We also explore shame and belonging: why shame can make us feel as though we have broken the code of being human, the fear of visibility and “Who do you think you are?”, and how compassion and relationship can bring us back into the human community.

Our conversation moves into money, desire and the shame of wanting more, as well as self-trust, conflict, rupture and what it means not simply to trust another person, but to risk trusting them.

Ultimately, this is a conversation about one of the central questions behind You Don’t Have to Abandon Yourself to Belong: How do we remain connected to other people without losing ourselves in the process?

Why do so many of us feel guilty when we rest—and why has being busy become a badge of honour?

Alexandra Stevens speaks with researcher, digital anthropologist and bestselling author Rahaf Harfoush about the ideas behind Hustle & Float. They explore how the Protestant work ethic helped fuse productivity with morality, why many of us learn to earn love and belonging through achievement, and how work can become inseparable from identity and self-worth.

Rahaf also discusses self-sabotage as a protective response, the hidden rules we inherit about success, the unpaid “second shift” still carried by many women, and why hard work alone cannot explain who becomes wealthy or successful. The conversation moves towards a more humane approach to productivity—one shaped around our actual bodies, lives, responsibilities and energy rather than somebody else’s morning routine.

They also explore workaholism as a way of outrunning difficult emotions, why grief must eventually be felt, and the striking connection Rahaf draws between burnout and climate breakdown: both are consequences of treating living systems as though they can be endlessly extracted from.

Guest

Rahaf Harfoush
🌐 https://www.rahafharfoush.com
📖 Hustle & Float: https://www.rahafharfoush.com/books

Host

Alexandra Stevens
🌐 https://alexandrastevenstherapy.com
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alexandrastevensgold
🎙️ Podcast: You Don't Have to Abandon Yourself to Belong