Recently I have felt nothing when I am painting and creating posts. Part of it, I believe, is sleep deprivation. But I think another part of it is the disillusionment I experience whenever my creative endeavors don’t produce the results I want. The difference between this time and others is that I know, for me, lack of emotion does not mean I am unfulfilled or unhappy with my actions. So I keep painting and typing.

Pictured here: Part of my keyboard case, my keyboard, and my mouse on my desk.

Each canvas I hang up— no surprise— expands my view of my office. I recently removed my “doctorate” and replaced it with a couple pages from the Codependent No More workbook I’m slowly reading. These small, weekly-ish changes haven’t made me more interesting to news outlets or helped me pay a bill. But they have brought smiles to my face and repeated senses of peace and contentment. Every single time I see my pink gaming chair and pink standing desk, I feel more at home in this room.

Pictured here: My iPad, little Bluetooth earbuds, and my mirror with me and my phone in the mirror.

I once spoke with a music producer who, when I told him I wanted my main career to be a singer, told me it can be a good thing to not have music as my full time job. I was upset at the time, but now I understand a bit more what he means. There is no ideal job. It’s unrealistic to think that if I could earn a living doing xyz then I would never have stress or financial concerns or a schedule that doesn’t over- or underwhelm me. And every day I work on a painting, post a Short or edit a post is one I get to delight in the thing for itself and what joy it brings me (and hopefully you, too).

Picture he: My painting on the floor, Grey’s gray.

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When I tell you ideas for these paintings started flowing like water breaking through a dam and I was SO proud of myself. A new-to-me color scheme!? Look at me doing something innovative. Differently shaped canvas? Yes, exactly what will help this piece be unique— not just to my office, but maybe even compared to what anyone else has done.

SO I’m sure you can picture my shocked response as I stared at the oval canvas covered in pastel colors… How did I not realized I was imagining an EASTER EGG?!

Pictured here: A swatch of lavender, blue-ish, green, yellow pastel-ish colors.

After trying to fix this, giving up and giving in, then considering painting over it, I remembered that it’s better to let the canvas sit and come back tomorrow. And in between those two days, I remembered a poem I wrote as I was preparing to move to Chicago.

Pictured here: The original paper that I used to title my painting Ohio Shared With Me A Goodbye.

I felt Ohio share with me a goodbye:

A reminder of my Granny’s perfume.

A memory of one Easter Sunday

In her brightly lit living room.

Ohio spoke on a breeze that followed

On one of my evening strolls.

In the music from a neighbor’s car,

From the moon as he shined “Hello”.

I sensed the people I had met

From age 5 to 32.

I felt them between my gut and my chest

Standing in this outside room.

We all shared a silence together

(Which is something I always crave).

This was both a gift from Time

And from God, a moment of grace.

“I love you,” Ohio whispered once.

My quick reply: “I love you, too”.

For the first time in 27 years

I felt my soul, in her presence, bloom.

“I’ll be back,” I told Ohio

“We don’t need to say goodbye.”

But she reminded me how significant moments

Deserve marking and quiet.

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Did you know there are black canvases? I remember seeing them years ago in Hobby Lobby, and again recently at Michaels. But for whatever reason I wanted to paint a white one black, so that’s what I did.

Pictured here: 2Twoof my paint brushes.

Is there clear paint? One that’s shiny and one that’s matte? I’ll have to google this, but I think it would be cool to have a piece shiny in some spots, matte in others. Granted, I guess I could also use other paints instead of acrylic, but I’m addicted to what I know.

Pictured here: The back of today's painting, signed with my signature, and its title Bruises.

When my husband first saw this piece, he responded with his usual enthusiasm and encouragement. The he paused and added, “There’s a darkness to it.” I still feel a deep spark of happiness when I think about his statement.

Pictured here: My painting, Bruises.

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I’m gonna take a break from depth and talk more about my mannequin hand.

I bought Crissi Teagan (no relation) in May 2023… WHICH FEELS LIKE SO LONG AGO. Polishing my nails has always been a favorite past-time and I wanted to evolve my skills. That never really happened, but suprisingly I have (off and on) continued to polish her nails.

On Friday’s paid post I’ll share more about that, but here I will talk about the logistics of storing her. She’s spent time on my mom’s dining room table, my husband and my coffee table, and on the floor of my office. Around the time I started doing these paintings, I decided to give in to my desire to have her displayed somewhere, i.e. treated with the respect she deserves.

Pictured here is a pair of Command Strip shelves that each hold two pounds. I don’t own a scale, but holding Crissi as shown in this blog’s header image made me think she only needed one of them. But holding her straight up, like she is on these shelves, scared me. Hence this next picture.

Pictured here, both shelves side-by-side, in my— on my wall.

I did some real measuring for this, which, if you walk in my office, you’ll see I do NOT usually do for my paintings.

Now she sits in my office closet, horribly uncentered from that wall’s display, constantly reminding me that lack of perfection will not kill me. I’m so glad I get to look up and see her beauty underneath my fake doctorate :)

Pictured her: said fake doctorate and Crissi with yellow nails.

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After hearing a clip of Life Boat on Instagram, it’s hard to recall if I listened to Raye’s THIS MUSIC MAY CONTAIN HOPE first on YouTube Music or if I cold bought the album on iTunes. What I do remember is laughing, crying and feeling a grounded sense of rapture. One thing I REALLY appreciate about this album is that, while it is hopeful, it does not skip past the pain. It acknowledges pain repeatedly and from different angles.

Picture of me walking on my walking pad backwards.

The color yellow, especially after my previous paintings, feels offensive. But offensive felt like the correct vibe for this piece. Wondering if I had a similiar shade of yellow in nail polish, I was hyped to find two! I took the one that matched more and started painting Crissi’s nails. Here’s a pic before I added any designs.

Picture here is my mannequin hand named Crissi, with bright yellow nails.

Sometimes to move through “negative” feelings we have to actually acknowledge them. And sometimes those feelings are offensive, off-putting. We want to move past them, not through them. There’s a time and place for both moving through and moving on. The first largely emphasizes acknowledgment; the other relies heavily on letting go. This painting is an ode to the former.

Pictured here, my piece: I h8 YOU.

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(I accidentally posted this at the end of May. If you’re interested in reading more about this painting, you can get Friday’s post (and other Friday posts) by subscribing for $5 a month:)

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Had a craving for a big, circular canvas. 16x16. Settled on 12x12, but I’m content. Don’t want the walls being overtaken too quickly.

I was inspired by this painting I did in 2024 (2023?). Months before I would move to Chicago to live with my then boyfriend now husband. Intended to recreate that painting. When this smaller canvas was painted, I remember thinking that, even in the midst of difficult situations, the good and light can break through, even thinly. And that is enough.

Pictured here: Baby painting. I love the colors up close.

Been spending a lot more time being quiet. No podcasts or music or audiobooks. Not as much Animal Crossing: New Horizons (I FINALLY remembered to buy turnips this Sunday!). I’m finding it easier (?) to experience, process and move through my feelings when I actually know what I’m thinking, and that’s easier to decipher in the quiet. Also, it’s rarely perfectly quiet. The air conditioning, the dryer. Right now there’s a bird chirping.

Pictured: the ceiling view of a light, the “They see my heart, they keep away” painting, and the beginnings of my closet.

Couldn’t bring myself to recreate that smaller painting. I still believe that a little light breaking through matters. That concept is just not what is sustaining me these days.

Pictured here: My “threaded” painting.

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I got back into reading so as to avoid staring at a screen. It worked, but I then had to admit that I also need to express myself beyond writing in my journal. As of late May 2026, I am rereading The Naturals series by Jennifer Lynn Barnes.

Today’s painting is waiting to be hung up. A couple weeks ago, I ordered a pink curtain and want to make sure they go well with each other. Thankfully I had saved some rods and hooks from previous curtains we had up, so that’s one less purchase to make. Hopefully by the end of this month they’ll both be put up.

Originally my plan was to paint this canvas shades of pink and that’s it. But then I enforced the budget I’d placed on myself and had to wait the following week to buy a new canvas. So to curb my impatience, I made a new rule that for one week I would work on a single painting, and wow has that been great for my mental health. Now instead of a few quick moves of a brush, I am thinking about my experiences and feelings, then translating them into different colors and patterns. My love for this exercise has been revived.

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This series (for as long as I have the will) showcases my paintings. My office is and has been pretty bare for the past two years. I cannot afford the furniture I want, but I can afford canvases from Michaels. (Could I instead save that money and eventually get the furniture I want? Not without self-control :)

Here is a picture of Rosewood & Suede candle I got from Bath and Body Works.

I came home from work crying and also determined not to stare at a screen (before deciding to write this post). So after I showered and made tea, I started working on a painting. Today I’m gonna write about a different painting.

It is of the lyrics from Kye Kye’s song People:

They see my heart,

They keep away

I love Kye Kye and I love how the second line is difficult to see, just like when a person who “keep(s) away” from you is difficult to see. I assumed the paints I mixed together would be dark enough to slightly obscure the second line but light enough to allow the first line to be visible. Thankfully that risk paid off!

If you want to hear more about why I painted this piece, you can subscribe for $5 a month and get that post on Friday. Whether or not you do, I look forward to sharing another painting with you next week!

Picture of my painting “They see my heart, they keep away”.

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