I have been going through the steps in Codependent No More workbook, by Melody Beattie, for a few months now. Last year, I listened to the audiobook version (which breaks down what codependency is) and decided I wanted help putting what I’d learned into practice. In this workbook, she takes the 12 Steps that are known originally from AA and shares their version from Co-Dependents Anonymous.

Pictured here: my desk with the book Codependent No More workbook.

1. “We admitted we were powerless over others— that our lives had become unmanageable.”

This may sound defeatist. Admitting I am powerless? How does anyone change or heal or evolve if they don’t have any power? But for myself, I’m finding that admitting this is very freeing. My issue with needing to control everyone and everything absolutely leaves me powerless. For example, if I spend so much time thinking about how Neo said they would arrive by 4:30 but it is now 4:45 and they’re texting me that they’re just now headed my way, I can easily then think of how they ALWAYS do this: say they’ll be on time, say they’ll do this project, say they’ll do better next time— but they never do. Next I’m fuming because they are so unreliable and are always inconveniencing me with their unreliability. And as you can imagine, I go down this spiral every single time they repeat these habits.

Now, in this example, it’s not that I’m wrong, because I am not. And it is not that my feelings and thoughts are unreasonable; I don’t believe they are. But tell me, what exactly is my repeated spiraling accomplishing? Will my ruminating on their habit of not keeping their word change their behavior? Obviously not.

And here’s the thing: maybe a conversation will help, but at the very end of the day I CANNOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR. Someone is reading this and going, duh. And… fair. But that simple fact is revolutionary for me. Because when I allow myself to feel and think however I do and then MOVE ON TO MINDING MY BUSINESS and controlling the one person I can—me—that is when I can accomplish something. That is when I can move forward. That’s when my life stops being unmanageable, because instead of fixating on someone and something I cannot control, I am focused on myself and living my life.

Pictured here: my canvas on the floor, the first three steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous.

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