This episode starts with a conversation with my mom, who has spent a lifetime quietly serving others and finding real joy in it. But for me, giving didn’t always bring peace — it often brought guilt, pressure, and anxiety. If service is supposed to make us happier, why can it sometimes feel so heavy? I open up about my own dysfunctional relationship with giving, how it was harming rather than helping, and what finally shifted. Learn the two major blocks that might be keeping you from experiencing the mental health benefits of kindness — and how to turn giving into a powerful, joyful tool for emotional healing.

00:00 – Welcome & Introduction
Meet my mom and the powerful strategy of service that didn’t work for me… until I tweaked it.

00:52 – My Mom’s Quiet Ministry of Visits
Stories of visiting lonely neighbors and why she chose to do it.

03:19 – What She Gained from Serving Others
The emotional reward of listening and connecting with the elderly.

04:42 – Quilting with Purpose: Stitching Hearts Project
How she became an area manager and the far-reaching impact of these humanitarian quilts.

07:30 – What Service Gives Her Back
The deep fulfillment from feeling connected and making a difference.

9:19 – When Service Becomes a Burden
How I internalized service as obligation, guilt, and pressure—and why it made me anxious.

10:58 – The Global Science of Kindness
Studies that show helping others increases happiness—across cultures and circumstances.

12:29 – Learning to Put My Oxygen Mask on First
Why self-care is foundational to being able to serve in a healthy way.

14:06 – The Power of Saying No
Illness taught me to respect my limits—and protect my body’s energy budget.

16:09 – Choice vs Obligation in Service
The treadmill mouse study that reveals the emotional toll of forced generosity.

17:26 – What If You Don’t Have to Serve?
Facing mortality helped me realize that service is a choice, not a duty.

17:54 – The Science of Wellbeing Assignment
How “7 Random Acts of Kindness” changed my relationship with giving.

19:31 – Finding Joy in Kindness—My Way
Serving from a place of health, desire, and creativity—how I finally felt the reward.

21:56 – Kindness Narrative: Making a Support Fund

For full episode, including resources mentioned, go to: https://www.calmyourcaveman.com/episodes/when-giving-backfires:-healing-the-anxiety-of-overgiving

Music:
J.S. Bach, Goldberg Variations, Transcribed for String Trio (excerpts). Performed by Avery Ensemble live 12/2/2017. Used by permission.
To see original performance go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TELZsL_5W2c

Harmonia Artificioso-Ariosa, Partita No. 4 in E flat Major (excerpts). Performed by the Avery Ensemble, recorded 2017. Used by permission. To stream recording go to: https://music.apple.com/br/album/mozart-biber-creston-schoenfield/1373331850?l=en-GB

More information at https://www.averyensemble.com/