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In this episode of Wedded Wednesday, Pastor Don and Lisa Smith tackle one of the most practical and challenging topics in marriage: what to do when you're angry. Drawing from Psalm 4:4, they explore the biblical wisdom of processing anger without letting it control you—and without letting it destroy your marriage.

📖 Scripture Focus – Psalm 4:4

Don clarifies what might seem like a contradiction: The Bible says don't let the sun go down on your wrath, but it also says to be angry and not sin. The point? You can be angry—just don't let it lead you into sin. Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is slow down, process your words, and remain silent before you speak.

🧠 Why This Matters in Marriage
When two people get married, two personalities get married. What once attracted you—the differences, the quirks—can start causing friction over time. As Lisa puts it: "It attracted, all right, but now it's becoming impactful." Fatigue and stress erase the patience we once had, and before we know it, we're frustrating each other despite our best intentions.

🛠️ Two Practical Steps
1. Be Careful with Each Other When You're Angry

Lisa shares a personal story about a season when she was on steroids for arthritis—and it made her "mean." Don had to lovingly point it out (which took great bravery!), and though it stung at first, Lisa processed it and learned to warn Don when a flare-up was coming. The lesson? Show self-control with your words and actions, even when you're angry. It's okay to say, "I need a minute to process this." But if you say that, set a time to come back and talk—don't use it as an excuse to sweep things under the rug.

2. Focus on Your Own Heart and Behavior

Don shares wisdom from his dad: "If you have a problem and you're not willing to be a part of the solution, you will always have a problem." And from Pastor Rick, who counseled him back in 1992: "Even if you're only 10% a part of the problem, you're 100% responsible for your 10%."

When you focus on your own heart, you can confess your wrongs, ask for forgiveness, and let go of the need to win. As Don says: "If you're more interested in being right than you are in being in relationship, your relationship is always going to struggle."

🔁 The Five-to-One Ratio (Revisited)

Lisa brings back their go-to tool: before you share one negative thing, share five positives about your spouse. It's not easy when you're upset—but that's the point. By the time you work through the five positives, God often speaks to your own heart about why you were triggered in the first place. Over half the time, Lisa says she never even shares the negative thing because she realizes it wasn't that big of a deal.

Don admits he can tell when it's coming: "She starts telling me five things she loves about me, and by number three, I know what's happening." But now he turns off the TV and gives her his full attention—because he knows she's worked and prayed through something important.

💡 This Week's Challenge

As Don puts it: "I love us too much to destroy us with my words."

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In this episode of Wedded Wednesday, Pastor Don and Lisa Smith are back after a five-week sabbatical—and they're coming to you from their brand-new Legacy Leaders Studio! After seven years without a real break, their eldership team gifted them time away, and their leadership team surprised them with a completely redecorated space. It's a fresh start, and it sets the perfect backdrop for today's topic: Love Finds Opportunities.

Scripture Focus – Luke 6:38 - "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you."

Don and Lisa apply this principle directly to marriage: the measure of love, effort, and blessing you pour into your spouse is the measure you'll receive back. But it starts with finding opportunities to give.

Every Marriage Is Unique—Stop Comparing

Don asks Lisa: "How unique do you think our marriage is?" Her answer sparks a powerful conversation about how every marriage is unique because it's made up of two specific people. When couples compare their marriage to others, they become blinded to the opportunities right in front of them. As Lisa puts it: "You're never satisfied with what you have when you're always comparing."

Remember the Porch Swing

Don shares a story about a couple they mentored who used to sit on their front porch swing and talk for hours when they were dating. After years of marriage, they'd stopped. Don and Lisa gave them homework: put the kids to bed, turn off the phones, and go sit on the porch swing. The next meeting, the couple admitted it was awkward at first—but then they rediscovered something they loved.

The lesson? Remember the things that brought you together. The little moments. The unique joys. Don't let the "contract" of marriage—bills, kids, chores, work—rob you of the daydreams and connection you once shared.

The Airbnb Surprise

Don shares a recent personal moment. He's always the one who plans their trips. But recently, Lisa came to him and said, "I scheduled us for two nights at an Airbnb. Don't schedule anything."

Don's response? "I'm in. I don't need to know the details."

Why? Because love finds an opportunity to be a blessing—especially when it would be more convenient not to. Lisa took the initiative to keep the connection alive after their sabbatical, and it meant the world to Don.

This Week's Challenge

• Making them coffee without being asked
• Coming home early
• Cooking dinner
• Going for a walk together
• Scheduling a surprise getaway
• Sitting on the porch swing and just talking

As Don puts it: "Try to imagine what you could do or be working toward this coming week that would give undeniable evidence to your spouse just how much you treasure them."

The Bottom Line

If you're going to make anything a competition in your marriage, make it this: how can you out-bless each other? Love finds opportunities—even when it's inconvenient, even when your spouse doesn't "deserve" it, and especially when you don't feel like it. That's when grace enters in, and that's where healing begins.

As Lisa says: "It doesn't have to be expensive. It doesn't even have to cost any money. It just has to come from a heart that wants to bless."

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In this episode of Wedded Wednesday, Pastor Don and Lisa Smith talk about something every marriage needs but few practice consistently: being your spouse's biggest cheerleader. Not a critic. Not a fair-weather fan. A genuine, loud-and-proud supporter.

📖 Scripture Focus – Proverbs 8:30-31

Don points out that this scripture reminds him of a cheerleader—someone who is constantly present, full of delight, and rejoicing in the presence of others. That's the picture of what we should be for our spouses.

🏈 The Cheerleader Analogy

In sports, the cheerleading squad wears the same colors as the team. They're united. They celebrate every touchdown, every turnover, every good play—and even when the team is down, they cheer harder to rally them.

But in marriage, we often do the opposite. We criticize. We complain about the little things. We even join in when others are critical of their spouses. As Lisa puts it: "Negativity is contagious, just like laughter and joy."

🧠 Why We Miss the Successes

Lisa admits she tends to be more critical. She's a "glass half full" person who has to work harder to notice the good. And here's the problem: we're often looking for the earthquake—the big, Hollywood moment—and we miss the little things that really matter.

• Picking up shoes
• Watering the plants
• Making it through a tough workday
• Just showing up

Every accomplishment is an achievement. And every achievement should be celebrated.

⚠️ The Danger of Not Celebrating

Don makes a bold statement: "We gravitate toward the areas we are celebrated, and we withdraw from the places we are not celebrated."

This is why people become workaholics—because that's the only place they feel valued. This is why spouses emotionally disengage—because home feels like a place of constant criticism instead of celebration.

Lisa adds: "When we're just tolerated, that's not fulfilling."

💡 This Week's Challenge

Don promises: "I guarantee you the environment is going to change." It might not be a lightning bolt, but a little spark can cause a fire.

Lisa adds: "Write it down. Write down how you felt and how they responded. Over time, you'll see the progress."

📣 Practice Makes Perfect
Don reminds us that cheerleaders practice every day—they only perform once a week. In the same way, we need to practice celebrating our spouses daily. When we do, our spouses will lean into us for encouragement instead of looking for it elsewhere.

💬 The Bottom Line
Marriage isn't as complicated as we think. As Lisa puts it: "You just have to be intentional." Be the one who cheers louder than anyone else. Be the one who delights in your spouse. Be the one who makes them feel like they're winning.

🎧 Tune In

Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, and join Pastor Don and Lisa for Wedded Wednesday—a weekly coffee date for your marriage. Available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and all major platforms. Don't forget to like, share, subscribe, and leave a rating! (And yes, there's a link in the show notes to buy them a sweet tea and a Little Debbie snack cake if you're feeling generous.)

Note: Don and Lisa will be taking a six-week break starting in a few weeks—so catch up on all the episodes while you can!

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