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In this episode of Wedded Wednesday, Pastor Don and Lisa Smith tackle one of the most practical and challenging topics in marriage: what to do when you're angry. Drawing from Psalm 4:4, they explore the biblical wisdom of processing anger without letting it control you—and without letting it destroy your marriage.

📖 Scripture Focus – Psalm 4:4

Don clarifies what might seem like a contradiction: The Bible says don't let the sun go down on your wrath, but it also says to be angry and not sin. The point? You can be angry—just don't let it lead you into sin. Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is slow down, process your words, and remain silent before you speak.

🧠 Why This Matters in Marriage
When two people get married, two personalities get married. What once attracted you—the differences, the quirks—can start causing friction over time. As Lisa puts it: "It attracted, all right, but now it's becoming impactful." Fatigue and stress erase the patience we once had, and before we know it, we're frustrating each other despite our best intentions.

🛠️ Two Practical Steps
1. Be Careful with Each Other When You're Angry

Lisa shares a personal story about a season when she was on steroids for arthritis—and it made her "mean." Don had to lovingly point it out (which took great bravery!), and though it stung at first, Lisa processed it and learned to warn Don when a flare-up was coming. The lesson? Show self-control with your words and actions, even when you're angry. It's okay to say, "I need a minute to process this." But if you say that, set a time to come back and talk—don't use it as an excuse to sweep things under the rug.

2. Focus on Your Own Heart and Behavior

Don shares wisdom from his dad: "If you have a problem and you're not willing to be a part of the solution, you will always have a problem." And from Pastor Rick, who counseled him back in 1992: "Even if you're only 10% a part of the problem, you're 100% responsible for your 10%."

When you focus on your own heart, you can confess your wrongs, ask for forgiveness, and let go of the need to win. As Don says: "If you're more interested in being right than you are in being in relationship, your relationship is always going to struggle."

🔁 The Five-to-One Ratio (Revisited)

Lisa brings back their go-to tool: before you share one negative thing, share five positives about your spouse. It's not easy when you're upset—but that's the point. By the time you work through the five positives, God often speaks to your own heart about why you were triggered in the first place. Over half the time, Lisa says she never even shares the negative thing because she realizes it wasn't that big of a deal.

Don admits he can tell when it's coming: "She starts telling me five things she loves about me, and by number three, I know what's happening." But now he turns off the TV and gives her his full attention—because he knows she's worked and prayed through something important.

💡 This Week's Challenge

As Don puts it: "I love us too much to destroy us with my words."

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