Before we get into today’s episode, I want to take a moment to reintroduce one of the most important conversations I’ve ever had on this show.

This episode — Rethinking Monogamy — is the most downloaded episode of We Need to Talk.

I recorded this early in the life of the podcast, and it still holds up because it doesn’t argue for or against monogamy. It looks closely at why so many people struggle inside the relationship model they’re told is the only legitimate option.

Whether or not monogamy is right for you isn’t the point.

The point is understanding why so many people stay in relationships that look right, but don’t actually feel right — and what it costs when we never question that gap.

If this is your first time hearing it, you’re about to listen to a thoughtful, grounded conversation that’s just as relevant now as it was then.

And if you’ve listened before, it’s worth hearing again with fresh ears.

In the west, monogamy is our default relationship model. But, to be clear, monogamy is a social construct. It is not inherent to our biology.

That’s an important fact to keep in mind throughout today’s conversation with New York Times Best Selling author, Molly Roden Winter, whose recent book “More: A Memoir of Open Marriage,” documents her journey through non-monogamy.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why humans adopted monogamy as our dominant relationship construct (the answer is grim).

• The surprising response she got from her therapist about opening up her marriage.

• Her advice on how to initiate a conversation with your partner about non-monogamy, should you be inclined.

Xxoo

Darcy

REFERENCES

www.alternativescounseling.com

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm

Kim, J. H., Tam, W. S., & Muennig, P. (2017). Sociodemographic Correlates of Sexlessness Among American Adults and Associations with Self-Reported Happiness Levels: Evidence from the U.S. General Social Survey. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(8), 2403–2415. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0968-7

Lei, L., & South, S. J. (2021). Explaining the decline in young adult sexual activity in the United States. Journal of Marriage and Family, 83(1), 280-295.

Solomon NG, Ophir AG. Editorial: What's Love Got to Do With It: The Evolution of Monogamy. Front Ecol Evol. 2020 Apr;8:110. doi: 10.3389/fevo.2020.00110. Epub 2020 Apr 28. PMID: 32782899; PMCID: PMC7416880.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/human-monogamy-has-deep-roots/

More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Roden Winter

Substack: mollyrodenwinter.com

CREDITS

This episode of “We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” was produced by Darcy Sterling, with editorial support from Vicki Vergolina. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani, Stephanie Sterling and Preston Smith. “We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production.

DISCLAIMER

Instagram:@drdarcysterling

Facebook:Dr.Darcy Sterling

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Threads:@drdarcysterling

Watch this episode here on YouTube.

In this episode, I’m unpacking one of the most misunderstood dynamics in modern relationships: Certainty.

Most people think relationship breakdown happens because emotions run too hot or arguments get too big. But what actually corrodes connection over time is something quieter and far more dangerous — the belief that your perspective is the objective truth.

When we treat our interpretation as fact, disagreement stops being information and starts feeling like a threat. Curiosity shuts down. Defensiveness takes over. And instead of two people trying to understand each other, you end up with two people trying to win.

I walk through why the mind clings to certainty even when it costs us intimacy, how rigid thinking turns everyday moments into power struggles, and what it actually looks like to move from being “right” to being connected. This isn’t about abandoning your reality — it’s about learning how to hold it without weaponizing it against the people you care about most.

What you’ll walk away with:

• How certainty masquerades as emotional safety — and why it quietly undermines trust and closeness.
  

• The difference between having a perspective and defending it at all costs, especially during conflict.
  

• Practical ways to loosen rigid thinking so conversations become collaborative instead of combative.
  

If you’ve ever felt stuck in the same arguments, unheard by your partner, or convinced that the problem is simply that they “don’t get it,” this episode will challenge you — and give you a more effective way forward.

Follow and subscribe to We Need To Talk with Dr. Darcy Sterling for more evidence-based tools to build stronger, more resilient relationships.

Xxoo Darcy

REFERENCES/RESOURCES

www.alternativescounseling.com

CREDITS

“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Robyn Jaenchen.

DISCLAIMER

Instagram:@drdarcysterling

Facebook:Dr.Darcy Sterling

Tik Tok:@doctordarcysterling

X:@DrDarcySterling

YouTube:@DarcySterling

Threads:@drdarcysterling

Watch this episode here on YouTube.

Have you ever looked at your relationship history and thought, “How am I here again?”Different person, different story, yet somehow the emotional blueprint feels eerily familiar.

In this episode, I walk you through what’s actually driving those repetitive relationship dynamics — not the behaviors you consciously notice, but the unconscious patterns that get activated long before you realize what’s happening. These patterns come from early learning, attachment, and the roles you were shaped to play in relationships. And unless you bring them into awareness, they continue choosing for you.

Think of this as a systems upgrade. I want you to understand the internal rules you’ve been following without knowing it — the ones that dictate who you’re drawn to, what feels “chemically right,” and why certain dysfunctions feel familiar. Once you can name your pattern, you can interrupt it and finally write a new script.

We’ll also talk about what healthy connection feels like when you stop outsourcing your self-worth to old wiring and what shifts internally when you stop mistaking intensity for intimacy.

What You’ll Learn

• Why certain dynamics feel magnetic even when they’re unhealthy.
  

• How your unconscious patterning influences who you pursue and who you stay with.
  

• What it takes to break the cycle and choose differently, not just date differently.
  

If you’re tired of the same story with different characters, this episode will help you understand the mechanics of your pattern and show you what it takes to break it for good.

If you found this episode helpful, be sure to follow, rate, and subscribe to We Need To Talk with Dr. Darcy Sterling so you never miss a new conversation.

Xxoo Darcy

REFERENCES/RESOURCES

www.alternativescounseling.com

CREDITS

“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Robyn Jaenchen.

DISCLAIMER

Instagram:@drdarcysterling

Facebook:Dr.Darcy Sterling

Tik Tok:@doctordarcysterling

X:@DrDarcySterling

YouTube:@DarcySterling

Threads:@drdarcysterling

Watch this episode here on YouTube.

Today we’re pulling back the curtain on a cultural shift that’s been quietly reshaping how we function in relationships, work, and daily life. Somewhere along the way, the language of therapy stopped being a tool for healing — and became a script for avoidance.

Suddenly everything is “toxic.” Every tough conversation is a “boundary violation.” And any feeling — no matter how fleeting — is treated as absolute truth.

But here’s the reality: Feelings are signals, not facts. And when we mistake one for the other, we lose our capacity to tolerate discomfort, repair ruptures, and stay connected when things get hard.

In this episode, I’m joined by RaQuel Hopkins — whose work on emotional resilience and discomfort tolerance is both grounded and refreshingly honest. Together, we break down how therapy-speak has gone off the rails and what it actually looks like to build psychological strength in a culture that rewards fragility.

You’ll walk away with:

• A clearer understanding of why “therapy language” exploded culturally — and why so much of it is being misused.
  

• The difference between true boundaries and avoidant behavior disguised as self-care.
  

• Practical tools for strengthening emotional resilience so you can stay regulated and present, even when things get uncomfortable.
  

If you’re tired of oversimplified wellness advice, if you want relationships that can handle real conflict, or if you’re ready for a more honest conversation about feelings, facts, and personal responsibility, this episode is for you.

Xxoo Darcy

REFERENCES/RESOURCES

www.alternativescounseling.com

raquel_the_capacity_expert

CREDITS

“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Robyn Jaenchen.

DISCLAIMER

Instagram:@drdarcysterling

Facebook:Dr.Darcy Sterling

Tik Tok:@doctordarcysterling

X:@DrDarcySterling

YouTube:@DarcySterling

Threads:@drdarcysterling

Watch this episode here on YouTube.

This week, a lot of us are heading into family time, which can be beautiful, but it can also bring up old patterns, old roles, old emotions. And while the holidays are not the time to sit someone down for a difficult conversation, they are the time when those conversations start to weigh on us.

So before we dive in, I want you to think of today's episode as grounding, as clarity, not as a call to action. This is about understanding your own emotional patterns, recognizing what gets activated around the people who raised you, and getting honest with yourself about what you need without feeling like you have to fix anything this week.

So as you listen, take what helps you feel steadier and leave the rest. There's no homework today, no confrontation plan, no conversation you should be having at Thanksgiving, just insight, just support. Let's get into it.

Ever find yourself replaying a conversation in your head—over and over—only to avoid it altogether? Maybe you want to tell a friend they hurt your feelings. Or ask for a raise. Or bring up that thing your partner said that’s still bothering you.

We all do it. But why? Why do we avoid conversations that could actually improve our relationships—and our lives?

Most of us dodge these talks because we fear conflict or don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. But avoiding the conversation doesn’t make the discomfort go away. It causes it to fester.

Today, I’m joined by someone who knows this terrain professionally and personally—my wife, Steph Sterling, LCSW. She also happens to be the most talented couples therapist I know.

In this episode, we unpack:

• How to tell if you’re avoiding a conversation out of fear or just waiting for the right time.

• The biggest mistakes people make when they finally speak up.

• How to navigate tough talks in a way that brings you closer together instead of pulling you apart (step-by-step).

Plus… Steph shares some stories about our own struggles that just might surprise you.

Xxoo Darcy

REFERENCES

www.alternativescounseling.com

Getting The Love You Want

Forbes Article: Are Your Employees Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

https://www.instagram.com/steph_sterling_lcsw/

https://alternativescounseling.com/meet-the-owners/steph/

CREDITS

“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani.

DISCLAIMER

Instagram:@drdarcysterling

Facebook:Dr.Darcy Sterling

Tik Tok:@doctordarcysterling

X:@DrDarcySterling

YouTube:@DarcySterling

Threads:@drdarcysterling

Watch this episode here on YouTube.

In this episode, I’m unpacking one of the most disorienting experiences in relationships: The disconnect between being loved and feeling loved. It’s a gap that can quietly erode security and connection — not because something is “wrong” with you, but because your internal wiring, attachment history, and relational expectations shape how love lands in your system.

I’m breaking down why some relationships look healthy from the outside yet feel emotionally thin on the inside… and what to do when your partner is doing “all the right things” but the experience still doesn’t register in your nervous system. This isn’t about blame — it’s about understanding your emotional blueprint so you can build relationships that feel nourishing, not just functional.

We’ll talk about the subtle cues your body looks for when determining whether connection is real, how old attachment patterns can override present-day reality, and why your partner’s efforts sometimes don’t translate into the felt sense of being cherished. And most importantly: What it actually takes to close that gap.

You’ll walk away with:

• A clearer understanding of why “love received” doesn’t always equal “love perceived.

• Tools to identify what your nervous system needs to register safety and closeness, even when your partner is showing up consistently.

• A roadmap for bridging the emotional gap, so your relationships feel more reciprocal, attuned, and deeply connected.
  

If this landed for you, go hit follow. It takes a second and it keeps these conversations coming.

Xxoo Darcy

REFERENCES/RESOURCES

www.alternativescounseling.com

CREDITS

“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Robyn Jaenchen.

DISCLAIMER

Instagram:@drdarcysterling

Facebook:Dr.Darcy Sterling

Tik Tok:@doctordarcysterling

X:@DrDarcySterling

YouTube:@DarcySterling

Threads:@drdarcysterling

Watch this episode here on YouTube.

Emotional flexibility is one of the most underrated skills we have — and one of the most powerful indicators of resilience. In this episode, I’m breaking down what it actually means to be emotionally flexible, how it shows up in your day-to-day life, and why it becomes the make-or-break factor when life blindsides you.

Whether you’re navigating a breakup, a professional detour, or a season of uncertainty, emotional flexibility determines whether you adapt, shut down, or spiral. And the good news? It’s a skill you can build at any age.

Today, I’ll walk you through the behaviors that signal strong emotional flexibility, the patterns that tell me you’re struggling with it, and the practices that strengthen your ability to pivot without losing your center. This work isn’t about “staying positive” — it’s about staying grounded.

What You’ll Learn

• How emotional flexibility influences the way you respond when life shifts suddenly.
  

• The common signs that you’re resisting reality instead of adapting to it.
  

• Practical strategies to build emotional flexibility so you can bounce back faster.

Before you go, make sure you’re following and subscribed. It helps the show grow, and it means you’ll never miss an episode. Talk to you next week.

Xxoo Darcy

REFERENCES/RESOURCES

www.alternativescounseling.com

CREDITS

“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Robyn Jaenchen.

DISCLAIMER

Instagram:@drdarcysterling

Facebook:Dr.Darcy Sterling

Tik Tok:@doctordarcysterling

X:@DrDarcySterling

YouTube:@DarcySterling

Threads:@drdarcysterling

Watch this episode here on YouTube.

I never thought I’d say this — especially as someone who spent years shaping the online dating landscape — but here we are. Today, we’re asking a radical question that’s starting to feel less radical and more necessary: Are dating apps actually getting in the way of connection?

If you’ve ever felt exhausted by endless swipes, ghost-town DMs, or conversations that die faster than they start, you are not alone. In fact, even the most emotionally intelligent and intentional daters are hitting a wall. The problem isn’t the match — it’s what happens (or doesn’t) after it.

I’m joined again by my friend, happiness expert and dating coach, Robert Mack, and together we’re unpacking why so many smart, capable, emotionally available people are burning out in a landscape that was supposed to help us meet someone — not numb us, distract us, or make us feel disposable.

This episode isn’t about bashing dating apps — it’s about telling the truth, exploring what’s shifted culturally and psychologically, and deciding whether stepping away from the algorithm might be the most powerful dating move you make this year.

We’re rethinking the system, your mindset, your habits — and what it actually takes to build meaningful romantic connection in a world addicted to swiping.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• What’s changed in online dating culture — and why it’s impacting even the most intentional daters.

• How choice overload and digital burnout are sabotaging real-world romance.

• The mindset shift required to date with discernment, confidence, and actual joy again

If you're feeling depleted, disillusioned, or curious about what dating could look like without apps running the show, this episode is your permission slip to rethink everything.

Xxoo Darcy

REFERENCES/RESOURCES

www.alternativescounseling.com

www.coachrobmack.com

Happiness From The Inside Out

Love From the Inside Out

CREDITS

“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Robyn Jaenchen.

DISCLAIMER

Instagram:@drdarcysterling

Facebook:Dr.Darcy Sterling

Tik Tok:@doctordarcysterling

X:@DrDarcySterling

YouTube:@DarcySterling

Threads:@drdarcysterling

Watch this episode here on YouTube.