⭒✰ Greetings, traveler! ✰⭒

Tonight's chat is about shame - rightful blame, and the control we seek in self-criticism.

: ♥

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⁠https://www.youtube.com/@compassionatecarecloud⁠

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⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@clouddwellerr⁠

---transcription---

I've been undoing my shame, recently. And I've never known how to do that.

And I'm starting to find ways - ways through, not ways around - ways through.

I think I used to blame myself for a lot of things that did not make sense.

I took ownership of other people's harmings of me, other peoples choices in a way that; I believed they were right for doing so.

And, I recognized today - for the first time, I was able to stop that cycle in it's tracks, and it's deep stuff but, I think that's why it's important to share.

I was bullied a lot when I was young and it really affected my self image. It's taken me like, at least 25 years to untangle. I'm still in it - the process - um,

I think a key factor that I found today, two things, that helped me understand. Firstly, just - myself, I um,

I guess I tend to blame myself if I get hurt, even by other people, um. I think I'm dumb for it, for some reason, like, I'm lesser than because I 'allowed' this to happen.

But I recognized today, um... Y'know I never chose to get bullied. I didn't- I had no part in creating those actions, whether I was ,y'know, the fat ugly kid or not. I did not choose their words, I didnt sling them from their mouths. It wasnt my choice, it wasnt my fault.

And I think one of the first steps of um, reversing shame, undoing shame, is - rightful blame. Or at least for me.

I felt the feeling of shame today, and realized I was feeling it, and noticed that I was real down on myself. And I thought of what had triggered that emotion today, and recognized that I-

It wasnt personal, yknow, its not about me. People that do harm intentionally or unintentionally - its an action propelled by their energy, yknow, its an action propelled by their perspective, their context, maybe their environment, their stress levels. Yknow, I - I could have been anyone on the other side of the phone.

And recognizing, yknow, undoing that, that owning - that ownership of uh, accountability almost, y'know.

I never had to take that in. That was never mine, and I don't have to absorb the karma of other people hurting me, yknow I don't have to become the martyr of my life for others.

And it's- a feeling, it's really interesting unravelling this, cause its been a long time for me that I've felt shame.

And, part of this unravelling, yknow, I can feel some sort of triumph or righteousness in, or justice, in um, putting the blame where it should be. And that yknow, is right and good, it feels, true, yknow? Um. It feels in balance.

But theres I guess, a grief that goes along with it. I think maybe I blamed myself to feel in control.

And so I'm feeling this grief for the person that I was, that - so sincerely believed that they deserved the treatment that they were receiving.

Not even aware that it was a belief. It was the hum behind everything. It was how I answered every problem.

Oh I must be wrong. I must now fix myself

You can never fix yourself to someone else's standard. That um, surrender of autonomy is intense. I dont think you can ever really do that willingly, or healthily in the way that I was doing it to self blame.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Let me know what you think.

⭒✰ Greetings, traveler! ✰⭒

Tonight's chat is about hope- the pursuit, the practice, the perseverance.

: ♥

https://buymeacoffee.com/compassionatecarecloud

--> tarot, peer support, blog, shop, membership

https://www.youtube.com/@compassionatecarecloud

https://www.instagram.com/compassionatecarecloud/

https://www.tiktok.com/@clouddwellerr

---transcription---

I've been considering the word hope. I've been thinking about what it means to wish someone something.

I... am a Virgo, and... y'know - control is comfortable for me. If I can do it myself, I will.

Um, but of course there's things in this world that are out of our hands. A lot of things, sometimes.

Things bigger than us, or, yknow, circumstances in a friends' life that you can't necessarily fix.

And I think about the texts that I send, the prayers I pray - where I hope. Where I wish.

And it starts with these words...

Because - I do think that they have purpose, power.

But.

I'm very aware of the human-ness of human existence.

My words don't directly create, um - material. I- cannot shift you in and out of different timelines automatically with my own intention and purpose.

I can't make life good to you.

But, we wish it.

We hope, we pray. And for centuries, I imagine for all of humankind we've had some sort of prayer.

I imagine the first tragedy. What one would do afterwards.

Cry out to someone? Yknow, anyone?

To plead or to rightfully complain.

There is something about having this kind of 'third person' to place things upon, whatever they are.

And, I guess it's gambling - betting on a future - saying 'I put my energy towards your highest timeline, dear friend'. Or, to wish someone ease, or comfort. To hope that the world bends to their will, their desire. Meets them, nourishes them.

I struggle to know what's helpful at different times. Because I want to say these things out loud - I want people to know what I hope for them. But more so, I want to be a part of people creating the worlds that meet them.

I want to see the change, the shift - I want to witness the world that, that uh- awaits.

I want to keep hoping, and praying.

I think these are things we can lose in drastic times. In war, in poverty. You can lose hope and have it be hard to find once you've lost it.

And, for me, yknow when I was in some deeps, deep depression - I know that awe was what helped me. Being able to look at the world and um, see something beautiful. Whether my logical mind thought that there was something to see or not.

And in this way, I want to preserve the practice of hope.

Um.

And I guess, this means practicing hope myself. Finding... finding her.

Knowing what seeds to sow, to harvest hope.

I think is really valuable - and, really personal. Unique.

I think without it, um, we're much worse off.

I want my hope to have wings. I want my hope to make sense. I want it to have weight.

I... I wonder what you think.