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Tonight's chat is about shame - rightful blame, and the control we seek in self-criticism.

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I've been undoing my shame, recently. And I've never known how to do that.

And I'm starting to find ways - ways through, not ways around - ways through.

I think I used to blame myself for a lot of things that did not make sense.

I took ownership of other people's harmings of me, other peoples choices in a way that; I believed they were right for doing so.

And, I recognized today - for the first time, I was able to stop that cycle in it's tracks, and it's deep stuff but, I think that's why it's important to share.

I was bullied a lot when I was young and it really affected my self image. It's taken me like, at least 25 years to untangle. I'm still in it - the process - um,

I think a key factor that I found today, two things, that helped me understand. Firstly, just - myself, I um,

I guess I tend to blame myself if I get hurt, even by other people, um. I think I'm dumb for it, for some reason, like, I'm lesser than because I 'allowed' this to happen.

But I recognized today, um... Y'know I never chose to get bullied. I didn't- I had no part in creating those actions, whether I was ,y'know, the fat ugly kid or not. I did not choose their words, I didnt sling them from their mouths. It wasnt my choice, it wasnt my fault.

And I think one of the first steps of um, reversing shame, undoing shame, is - rightful blame. Or at least for me.

I felt the feeling of shame today, and realized I was feeling it, and noticed that I was real down on myself. And I thought of what had triggered that emotion today, and recognized that I-

It wasnt personal, yknow, its not about me. People that do harm intentionally or unintentionally - its an action propelled by their energy, yknow, its an action propelled by their perspective, their context, maybe their environment, their stress levels. Yknow, I - I could have been anyone on the other side of the phone.

And recognizing, yknow, undoing that, that owning - that ownership of uh, accountability almost, y'know.

I never had to take that in. That was never mine, and I don't have to absorb the karma of other people hurting me, yknow I don't have to become the martyr of my life for others.

And it's- a feeling, it's really interesting unravelling this, cause its been a long time for me that I've felt shame.

And, part of this unravelling, yknow, I can feel some sort of triumph or righteousness in, or justice, in um, putting the blame where it should be. And that yknow, is right and good, it feels, true, yknow? Um. It feels in balance.

But theres I guess, a grief that goes along with it. I think maybe I blamed myself to feel in control.

And so I'm feeling this grief for the person that I was, that - so sincerely believed that they deserved the treatment that they were receiving.

Not even aware that it was a belief. It was the hum behind everything. It was how I answered every problem.

Oh I must be wrong. I must now fix myself

You can never fix yourself to someone else's standard. That um, surrender of autonomy is intense. I dont think you can ever really do that willingly, or healthily in the way that I was doing it to self blame.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Let me know what you think.