Back in the time before filtered water, things weren't as convenient as they are now. Like, did you know there wasn’t always a little trash can sitting by the door of the men’s room so when you’re leaving, you’d have somewhere to toss your wadded up wet paper towel. Now this is just the men’s room we’re talking about. Nobody knows what goes on in the lady’s room since nice people don’t ask about such things. But we do know that over on the men’s side, you used to be left standing there at the half-opened door, holding a wet paper towel and wondering where to put it after you pull open that nasty door. Only recently did somebody correct the problem by just moving the trashcan closer to the door. Problem solved. Gone was your little game of trying to shoot the basket across the room – a basket that was always just a little too far away to hit from where you were standing. And like a pile of broken dreams, the missed shots were all over the floor waiting for somebody to come around later and take care of it. So in the New America, we’ve figured out where to put the trash can. So what’s next? Well, the kids can’t read or add; anybody got any ideas for that? Tell them Beowulf is a rapper from Baltimore who hates everything and wants to blow up the country – that will pull ‘em in. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Let’s say you’re a victim of wife supremacy and you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a child infested area. Suddenly, someone suggests that you change baby’s diaper. Well first you need to know that the correct people have new rules for you to follow. That’s right, before you go floundering around in all that you’re gonna need to ask the little guy for permission first – just to be sure dry pants would be OK with him. Goes like this: “Hey Lil Padna, I see you’ve got a preexisting condition down south. I’m here to take care of that for you, but first we need to be sure your wet-pants rights aren’t violated. I noticed you’re going commando today so, if it’s OK with you, and let’s just say it is, we’re gonna switch out of those underpants to some that haven’t been peed yet. You’ll thank me later!” Just one of a whole snootful of big ideas waiting for you right here in the New America. Otis reports. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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HAPPY TALK

The holidays are a great time to remember some of the jacked-up ideas your mom would lay on you when you were growing up. Stuff you were supposed to believe no matter how whacked it was. Like this one: “Little Otis, you keep making that face and next time it’s gonna stick like that. Yes Mamma!” Or this: “Don’t eat those cookies little Otis, they’ll make you pee the bed!” Then there were the ones you didn’t see coming, like “Someday, little Uncle Otis, you’ll have a socialist mayor in New York city, and that’ll come with a free bus ticket.” Oh stars! Who’s sorry now? But then it happened. You know honey, there’s still time to move to Miami to start that mobile back scratching business - just sayin’. Otis clears it all up. Hear podcast ~ Wash hands

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