Back in the time before filtered water, things weren't as convenient as they are now. Like, did you know there wasn’t always a little trash can sitting by the door of the men’s room so when you’re leaving, you’d have somewhere to toss your wadded up wet paper towel. Now this is just the men’s room we’re talking about. Nobody knows what goes on in the lady’s room since nice people don’t ask about such things. But we do know that over on the men’s side, you used to be left standing there at the half-opened door, holding a wet paper towel and wondering where to put it after you pull open that nasty door. Only recently did somebody correct the problem by just moving the trashcan closer to the door. Problem solved. Gone was your little game of trying to shoot the basket across the room – a basket that was always just a little too far away to hit from where you were standing. And like a pile of broken dreams, the missed shots were all over the floor waiting for somebody to come around later and take care of it. So in the New America, we’ve figured out where to put the trash can. So what’s next? Well, the kids can’t read or add; anybody got any ideas for that? Tell them Beowulf is a rapper from Baltimore who hates everything and wants to blow up the country – that will pull ‘em in. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Let’s say you’re a victim of wife supremacy and you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a child infested area. Suddenly, someone suggests that you change baby’s diaper. Well first you need to know that the correct people have new rules for you to follow. That’s right, before you go floundering around in all that you’re gonna need to ask the little guy for permission first – just to be sure dry pants would be OK with him. Goes like this: “Hey Lil Padna, I see you’ve got a preexisting condition down south. I’m here to take care of that for you, but first we need to be sure your wet-pants rights aren’t violated. I noticed you’re going commando today so, if it’s OK with you, and let’s just say it is, we’re gonna switch out of those underpants to some that haven’t been peed yet. You’ll thank me later!” Just one of a whole snootful of big ideas waiting for you right here in the New America. Otis reports. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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HAPPY TALK

The holidays are a great time to remember some of the jacked-up ideas your mom would lay on you when you were growing up. Stuff you were supposed to believe no matter how whacked it was. Like this one: “Little Otis, you keep making that face and next time it’s gonna stick like that. Yes Mamma!” Or this: “Don’t eat those cookies little Otis, they’ll make you pee the bed!” Then there were the ones you didn’t see coming, like “Someday, little Uncle Otis, you’ll have a socialist mayor in New York city, and that’ll come with a free bus ticket.” Oh stars! Who’s sorry now? But then it happened. You know honey, there’s still time to move to Miami to start that mobile back scratching business - just sayin’. Otis clears it all up. Hear podcast ~ Wash hands

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Let’s say you’re in the Army and the husky-sized pants is all you can fit into. Well, Mr. Huskey size, you may be looking for another line of work after the new war on chunky soldiers. There's even an end to whiskers and beards - back to high and tight for army men, including the girls! No more bearded 260 pounders trying to climb the rope over the little training pond. You won’t be able to hide anymore by lining up behind Beefy Sue. She doesn’t work here anymore either. And if you’re determined to wear your new dress with the hoop earrings and pearls to your next battlefield event, think again cupcake. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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There you sit, watching the world wake up from history. So many great things to see, or so you’d think. Well sorry pal, all you get this time is Jasmine Crockett, the cold sore on American politics. Not where you thought evolution might be taking us, but there it is anyway. Miss Jasmine, still proud to be the only botanical in congress, has no apparent mute button. We’ve looked – it’s not there! So after some initial complaining about her bunions, the unmuted congressman lady let loose with this new life-altering claim" “Committing crimes," said Jasmine, "doesn’t make you a criminal.” Imagine the surprise of all the hard working criminals now feeling like they’ve been wasting their time - getting nowhere - no credit – nothing? Jasmine, who started out with nothing and still has most of it left, always seems to come up third and long. Do not resuscitate. Thanks for riding with Otis today. We have microphones and were not afraid to use them. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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Hope you didn’t throw away the box your Mr. Potato Head came in. He’s going to be worth something once we wake up from this trash compactor we’ve been living in! Remember how Mr. Potato Head had a little trap door in his behind where you’d keep all his parts. You could give him a pipe and a newspaper or even have him holding a little fan belt like he just came back from the auto parts store. Then there was Mrs. Potato Head – she had a little handbag and a hat with a flower on it, and even a little mallet she used to pop Mr. Potato Head guy when he got out of line. They were inseparable, even did some movies together. But now, cancelled, as mom and pop Potato Head have had to become pan-sexual so the correct people could feel less guilty. I sure hope it works because cancelling biology is hard. Takes big stones, or brass ovaries or something to be that impressed with yourself! We’re beginning to see a quickening as we inch closer to the singularity – the morphing of all into one. Think of it like E-Pluribus Backwards, a personal transformation from freedom into an odorless, colorless, comfortably numb and compliant, gender-neutral cell mass with a bad logo. That’s critical Otis Theory, Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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Ladies, if you’ve been thinking about having some extra padding implanted in your behind, I’ve got great news. The makers of Spanx, with the street name Spanky Pants, now sell some special new drawers with the butt implants built right in. Maybe it’s just the Shitegeist of the times. The extra bulk you’ve been wanting on the south end now comes pre-stuffed and sewn right into the Spanky Pants package - ready to go to work to thicken up those pop tarts as soon as you slip ‘em over whatever you got going on back there now. No need to walk around with a taillight out anymore Cupcake, just pack it on with Spanky Pants before heading up to the mall for your next show. Hell you could get yard of the month with this. And you thought hammer time was just happy hour. Welcome to Spanky Pants with benefits – it’s the new normal, built to fool the wife of the people. Think of it like a bounce house on wheels that goes everywhere you go. And don’t worry about that rumble strip back there, it’s just there for ventilation. This your Uncle Otis, a false and dangerous narrative keeping fear live – that’ll be ten hail Mary’s. Hear podcast - wash hands.

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Must be hot wearing that wool sock hat in ninety degrees. We don’t see much of the Seattle look here at the bait camp, especially in August. A sock hat in summer is cute and all but is WOKE really worth it to find purpose in an otherwise unremarkable life? There you are, hanging like a lose tooth, packing all your animal magnetism under a cozy wool knit hat before heading out to your Hate America First rally in beautiful downtown Baltimore. Off you go then with your pronouns pinned to your shirt and reciting all one hundred different genders. You’re doing everything right: you never chew on pencils, you always take the bus, you sleep with green noise, go to the whole foods for the white noise, dress up funny for pink noise and wake each day to brown noise when the blowers go off at seven a.m. So what’s with the fashion forward sock hat in August? Maybe try this: skip the riot next time and just go out with a girl. Take her to roller derby or something. You’ll thank me later. And try not to wear your pajamas this time. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands