In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and Erin Snow answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They consider timelines in recovery, what full disclosure entails, and how to know if your partner is an addict or just a full-blown jerk, or both.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Is this seminar only for partners experiencing betrayal?

[3:55] How do I know if my partner is an addict or just an a**hole?

[7:25] How should I define my inner circle behaviors after chem sex recovery?

[12:09] My wife can’t get over my affair, it’s already been 10 months.

[19:50] Can I trust that my husband suddenly has no urges to act out?

[27:10] My husband says he’ll tell me anything that I ask him about. Was his disclosure incomplete?

[31:52] Do you suggest a 12-Step program for the betrayed partner? It’s not my fault!

[35:55] Can you clarify between a porn addict and a sex/love addict?

[44:10 How long does recovery take on average?

[49:19] Can recovery happen without a formal 12-Step program?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “She’s not going to believe that you’re not sexually attracted to them when she doesn’t believe anything you say right now.”

• “The action that it takes to rebuild trust takes time.”

• “You may not be enmeshed in your partner’s behavior, but you are deeply involved.”

• “What matters most is the quality of the time that you are spending on your own individual work to heal and to rebuild trust.”

Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle continue their conversation with Dr. Rob about awakening sexuality to create a healthy sexual identity, especially after betrayal or trauma. Their new book Awaken Your Sexuality: Seeking Connection and Intimacy After Addiction and Trauma offers a personalized process to learning about your own sexuality, regardless of experiences you have had in the past.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:22] Vanessa’s perspective on sex workers.

[6:29] If you love me, you wouldn’t do this.

[10:13] Betrayed partners get to choose what they are going to do next.

[13:40] Compartmentalizing addictive and betrayal behavior.

[15:52] Creating a healthy sexual partnership.

[19:36] The danger of comparing your sex life to porn.

[22:42] Learning about intimacy from the queer community.

[25:29] The shame of non-sexual but intimate couples.

[27:31] Slow moving steps in healing from betrayal.

[31:45] Faith-based sexuality.

[35:36] Awakening your sexuality through a personalized process.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Dr. Stephanie Covington

Dr. Vanessa Carlisle

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “It is a fallacy to believe that the people who love us will never hurt us.”
• “Betrayed partners get to choose what they’re going to do about the situation they're in.”
• “Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t respect?”
• “You can’t use porn as your sex teacher. You’ve got to use your own body.”

Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle join Dr. Rob to discuss their new book Awaken Your Sexuality: Seeking Connection and Intimacy After Addiction and Trauma. They discuss the facts and myths of true intimacy, appropriate healing timelines after betrayal, and the danger of believing that sex is the only worthy expression of intimacy in a healthy and committed relationship.

TAKEAWAYS:

[3:42] Seeking connection and intimacy after addiction and trauma.

[6:29] A timeline for dealing with trauma during recovery.

[9:46] The role of facing trauma in healing.

[11:15] Addressing the why of addictive behavior.

[14:22] The challenge of culture on healthy sexuality.

[17:33] Safety as an aphrodisiac.

[20:20] Moving from betrayal to intimacy.

[22:40] Myths surrounding sex and intimacy.

[25:37] Small steps that lead to true intimacy.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Dr. Stephanie Covington

Dr. Vanessa Carlisle

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “Recovery is a slow, slow process.”
• “Asking why is a way to stay stuck.”
• “The depth of our need for sexual connection is not the problem.”
• “Safety is an aphrodisiac.”
• “Intimacy takes time.”

Chelsey Cole and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about narcissistic behavior. Chelsey outlines the impact that growing up with a narcissist can have on future relationships, the shame-rage cycle of a top-tier narcissist, and the signs that you are (most likely) not a narcissist, even if you occasionally act like one.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:22] The shame-rage cycle of a narcissist.

[4:00] The top of the narcissistic scale.

[6:17] Sociopathy, psychopathy, and narcissists and where they overlap.

[7:55] The role of addiction in narcissism.

[10:18] Chelsey’s personal experience with narcissism.

[14:21] The impact of growing up with a narcissist.

[16:11] Am I a narcissist too?

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Chelsey Cole

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “Narcissists do not deal with shame. They have the shame-rage cycle.”
• “To a narcissist, your pain is proof of their power.”
• “Anyone who is active in their addiction is going to look narcissistic.”
• “Narcissism presents in patterns of behavior over time.”

Chelsey Cole is a psychotherapist focusing on narcissistic abuse and complex trauma. She is the best-selling author of If Only I’d Known, and has joined Dr. Rob to explore what narcissism really is and what it isn’t. She offers clear signs and strategies of a grandiose narcissist, and offers hope for any partner who has been frustrated by assuming their narcissistic partner views relationships through the same lens they do. Unless you understand the views of a narcissist, you will never succeed in true communication and connection with them.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:10] Is he just selfish or is he a true narcissist?

[5:26] Characteristics of the grandiose narcissist.

[9:38] The danger of transactional views of relationships.

[10:31] Stages of the narcissist spectrum.

[14:45] Remorse motivation in a narcissist’s mind.

[17:07] Steps in the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

[20:03] Characteristics of the moderate to severe narcissists.

[23:01] You’re not crazy! Narcissists actually want the conflict you are avoiding.

[25:49] Pathological insecurity versus healthy insecurity.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Chelsey Cole

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “True narcissists don’t have the stuff that it takes to create deep, committed relationships.”
• “Narcissists believe they are always the exception to every rule.”
• “For a true narcissist, their default is to not care about you, and to put their needs first.”
• “Narcissists actually seek the conflict you are avoiding.”

Crystal Hollenbeck and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about the power and purpose of triggers, the appropriate time to utilize communication skills, and each of the seven steps of the CALMING model, including handling residual anger and resentment. We often think that anger is the only option for control after betrayal, but Crystal challenges this limiting belief and offers hope to anyone who is ready to move on from an angry life.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:52] Why should I do anything? He betrayed me.

[5:42] Triggers are normal and can be helpful.

[7:27] What to expect from the leveling stage.

[13:13] The management and intuition stages of CALMING.

[20:21] Trusting your intuition after betrayal.

[25:17] The role of forgiveness in healing.

[30:41] This behavior increases the likelihood of repeat betrayal.

[32:30] Boundaries are protection, not restriction.

[34:35] Grieving loss and recognizing the positives of post-traumatic growth.

[43:44] Moving on after grief is possible.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Crystal Hollenbeck

Betrayal Healing Conference

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “This is part of your story now. You have to talk about it.”
• “I have never seen a client not be grateful for healing work, because they come in with wounds they didn’t know exist.”
• “Forgiveness is for you, not the person that harmed you.”
• “Boundaries are protection, not restriction.”
• “We never stop grieving. We learn to live with grief.”

Crystal Hollenbeck has returned to the podcast to discuss a new resource for anyone who is dealing with betrayal trauma anger. She and Dr. Rob define this healthy emotion in the healing process, discuss her new book Betrayal Trauma Anger and explore anger management options available to help betrayed partners calm down and move forward.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:52] A new resource for managing anger after betrayal and trauma.

[3:25] Defining betrayal trauma anger.

[4:23] The motivation behind Crystal’s new book.

[7:01] 3 significant experiences of a betrayed partner.

[8:20] The danger of repressing anger.

[9:58] “I don’t like who I’ve become.” Now what?

[12:25] What being betrayed says about you.

[14:43] The reward in Crystal’s work.

[16:10] Trauma and broken attachments.

[19:21] 7 stages of recovery with anger.

[24:01] When is enough punishment enough?

[25:13] First steps in the CALMING model.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Crystal Hollenbeck

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “You’re not crazy, you’re angry. And you should be.”
• “When you are betraying someone, you are abusing them.”
• “Being betrayed does not mean you are stupid or foolish.”
• “You are not responsible for what your partner did. Period.”

Tammy Gustafson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about creating emotional space between you and your betraying partner. They discuss the power of actually feeling all of your feelings, and the importance of allowing fun and play in the healing process. Tammy offers free resources for finding peace, and underscores the power that comes with surviving and thriving after betrayal.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:23] You don’t have control over your partner’s behavior. Now what?

[4:22] Shifting from safety seeking in others to self.

[7:35] Pumping the well of your soul.

[8:52] The danger of suppressing your anger and sadness.

[13:00] Allowing the flow of emotions while grieving.

[17:01] Free resources for finding peace.

[21:07] The role of fun and play in healing.

[25:06] Moving toward the best version of yourself through healing.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Tammy Gustafson

Betrayal Healing Conference

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

● “Over time, the way that we start to heal… is a version of healthy detachment.”

● “There is an energy to anger that has a purpose.”

● “Part of the grieving process is allowing the flow of emotions to go through you.”

● “You cannot heal your heart with your head.”