In this episode of Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined again by Dr. Kevin Skinner LMFT, CSAT, CPTT to continue the powerful conversation on boundaries—this time focusing on what happens after you set one.

Because the truth is… setting a boundary is only the beginning.

What happens when your partner pushes back? When fear floods in? When you’re not even sure you can follow through?

This episode steps into the emotional reality of holding boundaries—the discomfort, the fear, and the growth required to stay grounded in your values.

• Why boundaries must be rooted in your personal values (your “why”)
• The role of homeostasis—and why change in relationships feels so hard
• The difference between rigid vs. flexible boundaries
• Why you are allowed to change your mind as you learn and grow
• What it really means to follow through on a boundary
• How to handle pushback, resistance, or defensiveness
• The impact of shame filters in the betraying partner
• Why boundaries often trigger fear of loss and abandonment
• The importance of differentiation—holding onto yourself in the relationship
• How to stay grounded when you feel triggered, anxious, or dysregulated

• Boundaries are not about control—they are about self-alignment and safety
• If a boundary isn’t connected to your values, it will be difficult to maintain
• You don’t have to get it perfect—you need to stay aware and adaptable
• Discomfort is not a sign you’re doing it wrong—it’s often a sign of growth
• You can be both shaky and strong at the same time

Holding boundaries may bring up:

• Fear (“Will this end my relationship?”)
• Anxiety (“What if I can’t follow through?”)
• Confusion (“Am I doing this right?”)
• Grief (loss of identity, loss of what was)

This is normal.

You are learning a new way of being—like writing with your non-dominant hand.

• Define your boundary by asking: “What is my why?”
• Communicate clearly: “If X happens, I will respond by doing Y.”
• Prepare for resistance—it doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong
• Regulate yourself before having the conversation
• Build support systems (friends, therapists, safe people)
• Give yourself permission to adjust as you learn

Boundaries are only as strong as the work you’ve done within yourself.

And even when it feels uncomfortable, uncertain, or scary— you are allowed to take up space, have needs, and honor them.

• Dr. Kevin Skinner’s work on rebuilding after betrayal
• Rebuild Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal
• Boundary Course at Human Intimacy: https://www.humanintimacy.com/link/9yNi7c?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.humanintimacy.com%2Fcourse%3Fcourseid%3Dboundary-basics
• www.youtube.com/human-intimacy
• Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale

If this episode resonated with you, please help us reach others who may need support by liking and sharing it. You never know who needs to hear that they’re not alone.

What are boundaries—really? And why do they feel so hard to get right after betrayal?

In this episode, Rise hostess MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT sits down with Kristin Kristiano, LCSW, CSAT to unpack the confusion around boundaries—what they are, what they’re not, and why so many attempts at “setting boundaries” actually create more disconnection.

We explore the critical shift from trying to control someone else to creating safety within yourself, how to identify your bottom lines, and what it looks like to hold boundaries when you’re triggered.

This conversation brings clarity, validation, and a grounded path forward for anyone navigating betrayal trauma.

• What boundaries actually are (and what they’re not)
• The difference between requests vs. boundaries
• Boundaries and child development
• Differences between prescriptive vs. adaptive boundaries
• Why control leads to resistance in relationships
• How to shift from controlling behaviors → self-protection
• Understanding bottom lines and non-negotiables
• When a relationship may no longer feel safe to continue
• The difference between being triggered vs. something being wrong
• How to regulate before responding
• Rebuilding self-trust by listening to your body

Boundaries are not about changing someone else—they are about creating safety for yourself and learning to trust your own voice again.

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who may need support in their healing journey.

Check us out @youtube.com/human-intimacy

Follow Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal for more conversations that help you rebuild trust, reclaim your voice, and find healing after betrayal.

Remember: Self-trust is rebuilt by listening inward, not controlling outward

Stepping into one of the most requested—and misunderstood—topics: Boundaries, in this episode, Jennifer Johnson CMHC, CSAT, CPTT and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT break down what boundaries actually are, what they aren’t, and why they can feel so difficult—especially after betrayal.

What Boundaries Are (And Aren’t)

What Boundaries Are Not

• Punishment

• Control

• Ultimatums

What Boundaries Actually Are

Boundaries are about creating emotional safety for you.

It’s not about controlling them—it’s about taking care of you.

Boundaries vs. Rules

Rules Focus on Them

“You need to stop…” “You have to…”

Boundaries Focus on You

“If this happens, this is what I will do.”

This shift moves you from:

• Powerless → Empowered

• Reactive → Grounded

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard

Common Trauma Responses

After betrayal, it’s normal to:

• Feel frozen or powerless

• Swing from no boundaries → extreme boundaries

• Confuse control with safety

These are trauma responses—not failures.

The “All or Nothing” Trap

What Many People Assume

Boundaries only look like:

• Separation

• Sleeping apart

• Divorce

What Boundaries Can Actually Look Like

• Taking space

• Going for a walk

• Pausing before responding

• Reaching out for support

Boundaries create safety—not punishment or forced distance.

The Key to Boundaries That Hold: Your “Why”

Without a Why

• Boundaries feel inconsistent

• You second-guess yourself

• They often collapse

With a Clear Why

• You feel grounded

• You stay consistent

• Communication becomes more effective

Understanding:

• What triggered you

• Why it matters

• What you need

…creates sustainable boundaries.

Boundaries Are Internal Work

What Boundaries Really Do

• Reclaim your voice

• Clarify your needs

• Restore a sense of control

After betrayal, boundaries become a way to say:

“I choose how I take care of me.”

If Boundaries Feel Hard

A Gentle Reminder

• This is normal

• This is a process

• You don’t have to do it perfectly

Boundaries can feel especially difficult when you still want:

• Connection

• Safety

• Repair

You’re not doing it wrong—you’re learning something new.

What’s Coming Next

This episode begins a deeper series on:

• Bottom Lines and Safety vs. Punitive Control

• Boundaries Abandonment and Attachment

• Holding Boundaries when the Other Person Pushes Back

• When Boundaries Lead to Relationship Change

Share & Connect

If this episode helped you:

• Share it with someone who needs support

• Leave a review

• Watch on our Human Intimacy YouTube channel

Our goal is to help as many people as possible find hope, clarity, and healing.

In this solo episode, betrayal trauma expert and host MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT,

shares early findings from the Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale (GABIS)—drawing directly from the voices and lived experiences of listeners in this community.

This is the data of devastation.

Not just numbers—but real accounts of grief, identity loss, and the unraveling of reality after sexual betrayal.

Because research in this area is limited, these listener-informed insights offer a rare and powerful look at what betrayal trauma actually takes—from a person’s sense of self, safety, and connection.

Be sure to check out this episode @youtube.com/Human-Intimacy to view the data charts and slides.

MaryAnn walks through key early insights from survey responses, including:

• Why staggered disclosure is more common—and more damaging—than most people realize
• The reality that many betrayed partners are left to discover the truth on their own
• The sharp drop in identity and self-trust after betrayal
• The most common and painful forms of grief reported by listeners
• Why so many people are suffering in silence
• Where support is helping—and where it’s falling short
• The often-overlooked physical and health impacts of betrayal trauma

Across responses, one theme rose above the rest:

Loss.

Not just loss of a relationship—but loss of:

• identity
• safety
• trust
• reality
• and the future that once felt certain

As one listener shared:

“It’s the decades of never being truly known… the invisibility.”

Grief after betrayal is often misunderstood—or missed entirely.

This episode brings language to that experience, helping listeners recognize:

• This is grief
• This is trauma
• And this response makes sense

• Trying to make sense of your emotional response after betrayal
• Feeling like you’ve “lost yourself”
• Wondering why this feels so much bigger than just the betrayal
• Looking for validation, language, and understanding

This episode highlights key findings—but there is more to the story.

• Watch the full podcast with visuals: YouTube.com/human-intimacy
• Contribute your experience to the ongoing survey https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale
• Access the full presentation from the Human Intimacy Conference

If this episode resonates with you:

You are not overreacting. You are not alone.

What you’re experiencing is real—and it deserves care, support, and understanding.

If this episode helped you, consider sharing it. Someone else may need to hear that they’re not alone in this.

And as always—take care of yourself.

What actually happens after betrayal is discovered?

In this episode of Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, and expert Pastor Darrell Brazell, PSAP, unpack the exposure phase (D-Day) using Dr. Omar Minwalla’s 22 Rooms of Betrayal framework.

They discuss why many partners experience increased confusion, trauma, and emotional harm after discovery, not less—and how integrity abuse behaviors play a central role and can intensify during this time.

This episode includes discussion of sexual betrayal, deception, intentional abuse behaiors and betrayal trauma, which may be activating for some listeners—especially those early in their healing journey. Please listen gently and take care of yourself as you go. You’re encouraged to pause, take breaks, or return at another time if needed. You are always in control of how and when you engage with this content.

This conversation walks through common dynamics that emerge after discovery, including patterns like gaslighting, minimization, blame-shifting, and ongoing deception. It also highlights the painful mismatch many couples experience—where one partner is just beginning to process the truth while the other may already be in a very different place emotionally.

The episode also touches on staggered disclosure (or “trickle truth”) and why it can be especially damaging, as well as the continued patterns that often show up even after recovery has begun.

MaryAnn and Darrell discuss why healing doesn’t end with discovery or even disclosure. Trust remains fragile, trauma responses can persist, and harmful patterns may continue without intentional change. The conversation emphasizes that healing takes time, and there is no quick or linear path forward.

For many betrayed partners, discovery can bring both pain and clarity—helping make sense of things that never quite added up before. This episode offers language and insight into these experiences, reminding listeners that what they’re feeling is valid and that they are not alone.

• Betrayal trauma is complex and long-lasting
• Integrity abuse behaviors often intensify after discovery
• Staggered disclosure significantly increases trauma
• Healing requires consistent accountability, not quick fixes
• Safety and trust are rebuilt slowly over time

• Human Intimacy Companion Course: humanintimacy.com
• IAB Resource List
• Dr. Omar Minwalla’s “22 Rooms of Betrayal” resources

• The Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale (GABIS) survey

If this episode resonates with you:

• Share it with someone who may feel alone
• Follow the podcast for ongoing support
• Reach out for professional or community care

Primary Keywords: betrayal trauma, sexual betrayal recovery, integrity abuse, gaslighting in relationships, D-Day discovery, partner betrayal healing, disclosure trauma, emotional abuse patterns, relationship recovery after infidelity, Dr. Omar Minwalla,

In this powerful continuation of last week’s conversation, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined again by Pastor Daryl Brazell, PSAP where they unpack the deeper dynamics of deception in sexual betrayal, based on Darrell's work with Dr. Omar Minwalla.

Together they expand on Minwalla's secret sexual basement metaphor, explore how secrecy, shame, and manipulation create an “intentionally manipulated reality”—a gaslighting dynamic that can leave partners questioning their instincts, their memories, and even their connection to their own intuition.

Daryl shares a visual model originally developed by Dr. Omar Minwalla, which illustrates the painful forced choice many betrayed partners experience: believing their partner’s words or trusting what their body and gut already know.

The conversation also introduces the concept of Integrity Abuse Behaviors—patterns of deception and manipulation that maintain the secret sexual life at the expense of the partner’s emotional and psychological safety.

Listeners will hear:

• How gaslighting and manipulated reality erode a partner’s trust in their own instincts

• The “Zero Factor”: how toxic shame and hidden secrets undermine intimacy and connection

• Why betrayed partners often feel trapped between their gut intuition and attachment bond

• The three phases of deceptive sexuality as identified by Dr. Omar Minwalla

  • Covert Phase – when the secret life is hidden

  • Exposure Phase – discovery and disclosure

  • Symptom Progression Phase – the long aftermath after discovery

• Common Integrity Abuse behaviors such as lying by omission, blame shifting, manipulation, and withholding critical information

• Why many betrayed partners feel isolated, confused, and unsure who or what to trust

• How naming and understanding these patterns helps begin the grief and healing process

MayAnn also discusses why grief is an essential part of recovery. When we finally have language for what happened, the brain can begin integrating the emotional experience with a coherent story—allowing healing to begin.

If this conversation brings up strong emotions, we encourage you to pause, journal, or reach out to a trusted support person. Naming these experiences can be painful—but it is also an important step toward reclaiming clarity and healing.

• The Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale (GABIS) survey

• Human Intimacy Conference recordings available at HumanIntimacy.com

• Integrity Abuse Behavior lists and recovery resources referenced by Pastor Brazell

If this episode resonates with you, please consider sharing it with someone who may need support on their healing journey. No one should have to navigate betrayal trauma alone.