Hey. I need to clear something up, because we keep doing this and I'm going to lovingly call us all out: we're using the word confidence to mean about 47 different things and most of them are wrong.

We see someone dominate a conversation and think, "Wow, they're confident." Someone refuses to admit they made a mistake? "They must really believe in themselves." Someone walks into a room like they own the place? "I wish I had that kind of confidence."

Nope. Nope. And nope.

Here's the problem: when we don't understand what confidence actually is, we start comparing ourselves to the wrong people. We mistake arrogance for confidence. We assume overconfidence means someone's got it figured out. We wait for some magical feeling of certainty to show up before we let ourselves make a decision and all the while our brains are over here writing a whole dramatic story that may have nothing to do with reality. (Thanks, brain. Super helpful.)

This episode is a little confidence myth-busting, because the truth is way more useful than the version we've been sold. I'm going to walk you through what confidence actually runs on: knowing what information you have, knowing what matters to you and being willing to make a decision from there—even without 100 % certainty.

And if you've ever wondered why someone who seems "confident" makes you question yourself, or why you can feel completely capable one day and second-guess everything the next, listen in. Because once you understand what confidence actually is, and what it definitely is not, you stop chasing the wrong thing.

Ever meet someone who somehow made you rethink something you've believed for years?

That was Lisa Tahir for me.

We sat down to talk about confidence - as you do for a podcast about confidence - and somewhere along the way we ended up talking about forgiveness, old wounds, the stories we tell ourselves and why some of us are still carrying around emotional baggage that should've been left curbside a long time ago.

Not other people's baggage, by the way. Our own.

Personally, I think a lot of us secretly believe that being tough on ourselves is a virtue. We think the criticism keeps us sharp and replaying our mistakes helps us grow. Worse, we think if we give ourselves a little grace that’s really just letting ourselves off the hook and when we do that, we'll somehow stop trying.

But what if all that self-judgment is actually the thing standing between us and the confidence we believe “continual improvement” will give to us?

There’s a lot to that idea and Lisa talks about it in terms of how we make sense to ourselves in the context of our life experiences. Because how many times have you looked at a habit, reaction, or pattern and thought, "What is wrong with me?" instead of asking, "Where did that come from?"

Ouch.

We can’t be confident if we’re always fighting with ourselves.

And maybe that's why I loved this conversation so much. It's not about becoming more confident by doing more, achieving more, fixing more or proving more but what happens when you finally put down some of the things you've been carrying and realize you were never as broken as you thought.

Highlights from our conversation:

• The difference between being honest with ourselves and being hard on ourselves
• The surprising connection between self-forgiveness and confidence
• Why we confuse self-awareness with self-judgment (and the toll it takes)
• How compassion for ourselves can change our relationships with everyone else

Lisa Tahir is a licensed clinical social worker, therapist, and coach known for blending psychology, energy-based modalities, and mindfulness to help clients build confidence and emotional clarity. She is the author of The Chiron Effect, endorsed by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and hosts the podcast All Things Therapy. Learn more about Lisa and her work at nolatherapy.com.

The older I get, the more I realize how much energy I spend trying to control things that were never mine to control in the first place.

Sometimes it's big things. The economy. My parents' health. Whether someone has the budget to say yes to a project. Sometimes it's ridiculously small things, like whether there will be a parking spot downtown or whether I've packed the exact right outfit for a two-day business trip. (Spoiler alert: I never have.)

What fascinates me is how convincing our brains can be. They whisper that if we just gather a little more information, think a little harder, prepare a little better, then we'll finally be able to relax. But somehow the finish line keeps moving. There's always one more variable, one more possibility, one more thing we should have considered.

Lately I've been wondering if that's why so many of us are exhausted. Not because life is necessarily harder than it's ever been, but because we're carrying around the impossible job of trying to predict and control outcomes that simply can't be predicted or controlled. Because even when we have great information, we're still making our best guess. Even scientists, researchers, and financial experts know there's always a margin of error. Things happen. Circumstances change. Life gets a vote.

And maybe that's the point.

Confidence isn't the reward we get after we've eliminated uncertainty. Confidence is what allows us to move forward while uncertainty is still sitting right there beside us. Not because we're reckless or don’t care, but because we've learned to trust ourselves enough to handle whatever happens next.

That realization has changed the way I think about decisions. Not perfectly, of course. I still overpack, I still overthink and I still occasionally convince myself that catastrophe is lurking around the corner. But I'm getting better at remembering that confidence isn't about controlling the future. It's about trusting yourself in it.

If uncertainty has been stealing your confidence lately, listen in. This episode might just make your next decision feel a little lighter.