In my last episode, I took a swing at the idea of resilience and why “just be more resilient” is about as useful as telling someone to calm down. Because you can be perfectly capable, smart and self-aware and still find yourself reacting in ways that make absolutely no sense to you.

This conversation with Cedric Bertelli picks up where I left off.

Cedric has spent years studying what happens when emotions keep showing up long after the situation that created them is over. Anxiety. Anger. Fear. That feeling of being stuck in a reaction you can't quite explain.

His premise is fascinating: some of these reactions are your brain running an outdated prediction based on something it learned earlier. And when those old predictions are running the show, they can mess with your confidence in ways that are easy to miss.

We talk about what those reactive patterns can look like, why we get so good at managing them without actually resolving them and why we sometimes mistake an emotional pattern for “just who I am.” We also get into resilience, which led to one of those moments where I thought, Oh. That's a completely different way to look at it.

And then Cedric gives me a very specific exercise for what to do when one of those emotional reactions hits. It is simple. It is counterintuitive. And apparently, if he's right, it can actually update the prediction your brain is making.

I can't wait for you to try it. Because confidence isn't much use if your brain has already decided you're in danger.

A few things we get into:

• Why an emotional reaction can feel completely real even when it no longer fits your reality
• Why we sometimes build our personality around something that was actually a coping mechanism
• What your body may be telling you before you consciously understand what's happening
• Why “be more resilient” may be missing the point entirely
• What Cedric says to do when a recurring emotional reaction shows up

Cedric Bertelli has over 15 years of experience in developing and delivering Emotional Resolution® (EmRes®), a groundbreaking method that helps people overcome emotional difficulties by tapping into their innate physiological capacity. As the founder and director of the Emotional Health Institute, Cedric leads a team of dedicated professionals who share his vision of empowering individuals and communities to achieve emotional well-being. You can learn more about Cedric at cedricbertelli.com.

There, I said it. We toss “resilience” around like it’s some kind of emotional superpower: life punches you in the face, you dust yourself off, keep going and congratulations, you’re resilient.

I don’t buy it. Sometimes “being resilient” sounds suspiciously like “suck it up and don’t let this affect you,” and frankly, that’s terrible advice.

Because things are going to affect you. A layoff. Losing someone you love. Getting sick. A relationship blowing up. Even the smaller stuff that leaves you lying awake thinking, “Okay, what the hell am I supposed to do with this?” Your brain is going to react. That’s what brains do. The interesting question is what happens after that first reaction. Do you hide until the scary thing passes or do you actually get your brain involved?

And this is where intelligence gets pulled into the conversation, because I think we’ve been defining that wrong, too. I don’t care how many facts you can cram into your head if you can’t figure out what to do when the facts change. Google knows more facts than any of us. AI can spit out an answer before I’ve finished typing the question.

So maybe intelligence today has a lot more to do with knowing what to ask, figuring out what matters and being resourceful enough to find your way through something you’ve never dealt with before.

Which, by the way, is where confidence takes center stage. Confidence matters when you’re standing in the middle of a situation you didn’t choose and deciding what the hell you’re going to do next. You need enough clarity to figure out what’s actually wrong, enough flexibility to see what might have changed and enough resourcefulness to find a way forward. You don’t have to pretend it didn’t hurt. You have to learn from what happened instead of just wearing it like a badge of honor.

And I think that’s a much more useful way to think about resilience. Not “Look at me, nothing gets to me!” Please. I am a human being. Things get to me. The goal is to come through the hard stuff knowing more, seeing more clearly and being better prepared for whatever comes next. That’s a very different kind of strength and it has a hell of a lot more to do with confidence than simply gritting your teeth and getting through it.

If you’ve ever been told to “be more resilient” and wanted to scream, but I don’t want to? this one is for you.

There are few things more frustrating than feeling unheard.

Not disagreed with—I can handle disagreement. I'm talking about when someone has already decided you're wrong before you've even finished your sentence. They interrupt you, dismiss you and they default "no." Before you know it, you’re questioning whether your idea was any good in the first place.

I've spent plenty of time wondering if I just needed a better argument against these naysayers. Maybe if I had better data to prove my case, better timing or I’d phrased my position differently they’d actually see what I was trying to say.

When I sat down to do this episode with Jackie Roby, she challenged me on that when we stopped talking about how to change someone else's mind and started talking about what happens inside our minds the moment we’re met with resistance.

Why does pushback feel so personal? Why does one dismissive comment make us want to shrink, defend ourselves or stop contributing altogether? And why do so many smart, capable people carry around conversations that should have been over hours ago?

One thing Jackie said has been rattling around in my head ever since we recorded this: people don't change when they feel threatened. They change when they feel safe. That applies to the person you're trying to influence—but it also applies to you. If your nervous system is firing on all cylinders because someone challenged your idea, you're probably not showing up as the version of yourself you wanted in the first place.

That's where confidence quietly changes the whole conversation. It isn't about winning the argument or having the perfect comeback but about staying grounded enough to finish your thought, ask the next question, hold your boundaries and walk away knowing your voice still mattered, regardless of whether someone else agreed with you.

A few moments from this conversation that stayed with me:

• Why resistance is often about the other person's need for certainty—not the quality of your idea.
• How to stop taking every disagreement as evidence that you don't belong in the room.
• The difference between trying to win someone over and creating the conditions where they're actually willing to listen.
• Why confidence sometimes looks remarkably ordinary: staying calm, staying curious and refusing to disappear.

If you've ever replayed a conversation over and over and over or wondered why someone wouldn't even give your idea a chance—I think you'll find yourself somewhere in this episode. I certainly found myself in it.

Jackie Roby helps ambitious leaders stop white-knuckling their way through success. As an executive leadership advisor and keynote speaker, she specializes in leadership development, workplace burnout, and creating emotionally healthier workplaces where people don't have to silence themselves to succeed. She chairs the Global Wellness Institute's Inclusive Wellness Initiative, co-authored the best-selling Confident You: The Raw Conversations, and founded The She Suite Connector, a vibrant networking community for women of color and allies. Learn more about Jackie and her work at inspiredjourneyconsulting.com.