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  • Body Shame and Your Sex Life: It's Not Your Fault, and Only You Can Fix It

    Body Shame and Your Sex Life: It's Not Your Fault, and Only You Can Fix It
    2026/07/27

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    Body shame is pervasive, especially for women but increasingly for everyone, and it gets in the way of much more than how we feel in a swimsuit. It gets in the way of presence, pleasure, and our capacity for real connection. This is the first episode in a series I'm doing on body shame. If you've ever been so in your head about how you look that you couldn't stay present with a partner, or with yourself, this one is for you.

    I walk through where body shame actually comes from (spoiler: it's not truth, or you, that's the problem), the business model built on manufactured insecurity, the medical misinformation and racial history behind our cultural obsession with weight, and why shaming yourself has never once helped anyone change. I also share the exact steps I used to move from shame to neutral to genuinely loving my body.

    In this episode:

    • Why body shame kills presence, pleasure, and desire, and why underconfidence itself isn't sexy
    • Where body shame really comes from: family, culture, diet culture, and a patriarchy that built this by design, not by accident
    • The advertising strategy behind manufactured insecurity, including research on exactly when women feel worst about themselves
    • Debunking the medical myths: why BMI was never built to measure individual health, and why weight stigma itself, not weight, is the real risk factor
    • The racial history behind fat phobia and Eurocentric beauty standards, and how that bias still shows up in medicine today
    • Why shaming yourself has never once helped you change, and what your inner rebel is actually trying to tell you
    • My own story of hiding my arms for years, and finally wearing tank tops without a second thought
    • "Point positive," the whitewater kayaking principle I now use to retrain my brain out of shame spirals
    • The exact steps for shifting from shame to neutral to genuinely believing you're lovable and attractive exactly as you are

    Topics and keywords: body shame, body image and sex, somatic sex coach, feminist sex coach, overthinking sex, get out of your head in bed, weight stigma, health at every size, mindset work for body image, somatic intimacy coach

    Resources mentioned: Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight, by Lindo Bacon, PhD https://lindobacon.com/health-at-every-size-book/

    Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

    More links:
    Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

    Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/

    About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/

    Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

    Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

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    33 分
  • The Safety Wound: When Your Body Was Never Home

    The Safety Wound: When Your Body Was Never Home
    2026/07/20
    Send us Fan MailPart 2 of the Attachment Wounds & Erotic Emotions SeriesMaybe you have a tendency to intellectualize or spiritualize your experience, but not always fully feel it. Or maybe you can only really arrive in your body when something intense is happening. This episode is about how that happens, how it shapes your erotic needs and the way you show up in intimacy, and what to do about it, if you choose. The safety wound is the earliest developmental wound we're covering in this series. It shows up in desires, in relationship, and in sex, plus in every day life where people with this wound have a tendency to dissociate. This episode is Part 2 in the Attachment Wounds and Erotic Emotions series — if you haven't listened to Episode 130 yet, start there first.What Is the Safety Wound? Origins and Early DevelopmentThe safety wound forms in the very first stage of life — from the womb through infancy, before language, and before verbal memory as we know it. The unmet need is fundamental: a sense that the world is safe to exist in, and that the body is a safe place to be.The causes can include traumatic birth, early separation from a birth mother through adoption or loss, time in a NICU, parental anxiety or depression, domestic chaos, overwhelming or unpredictable environments, or generational trauma. Often nothing was done consciously or intentionally. The body simply learned, very early, that being present was dangerous — and dissociation became the primary survival strategy.This pattern is recognized across multiple psychological traditions. In Hakomi, it's called the Sensitive-Withdrawn pattern. In the Neuroaffective Model (NATouch and NARM), it's the Connection survival style. In the Somatica Institute® framework, it's the UnSAFE wound. Different names, same consistently observed pattern — and none of them mean anything is wrong with you. This is just a coping style, and it carries some challenges that can be worked with.We'll also cover here:What the Safety Wound Feels Like: Dissociation, Floating, and Empathy OverloadHow the Safety Wound Shapes Erotic DesiresThe Safety Wound in Intimate Relationships and SexHealing the Safety Wound: Coming Back to Your BodyIn this episode:What the safety wound is, where it comes from, and why it forms so early — before language, before memoryWhy dissociation here is a brilliant survival adaptation, not a pathology — and how I recognized it in my own experienceHow this wound is named across Hakomi, NARM, and the Somatica Institute® framework — and why the older Freudian label is worth leaving behindWhat the safety wound feels like from the inside: the floating quality, the empathy overload, the pull toward intellectualizing and spiritual bypassing — and the deep current of pain, fear, or rage that often lives underneathHow the safety wound shapes erotic desire through two pathways: resolution (craving calm, merged, held, contained, seen) and repetition with agency (craving intensity, edge, risk, primal)Why craving dangerous or intense experiences in a chosen context makes complete sense for this wound — and why felt safety is still the prerequisite, even for the edgy stuffWhat the safety wound looks like in relationships: the connection that arrives and quietly disappears, and what partners tend to experience in bedWhat healing looks like for this wound — embodiment first — and why somatic work is more relevant here than therapy or spirituality aloneCompanion resource for this series: The Wheel of Erotic Emotions → laurajurgens.com/wheelTopics: safety wound, attachment wound, dissociation and intimacy, dissociation and desire, not in your body during sex, childhood trauma and sexuality, somatic sex coach, somatic intimacy coach, intimacy coach, erotic emotions, erotic desires, attachment and desire, childhood wounds relationships, sensitive withdrawn attachment, connection survival style, attachment, healing dissociation, embodiment and desire, feminist sex coachGet my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guideMore links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheelCopyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.
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    19 分
  • Beyond Anxious and Avoidant: Here's What's Actually Driving Your Desires

    Beyond Anxious and Avoidant: Here's What's Actually Driving Your Desires
    2026/07/13

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    That thing that turns you on but you've never quite been able to explain? Or the relationship dynamic you keep recreating? Those aren't random. And they aren't fully explained by your attachment style.

    This is the introduction episode for a series on attachment wounds and erotic desires. Before we get into the specific wound patterns, I'm laying the foundation — what attachment styles actually are, where they fall short, and how to understand attachment patterns beyond the standard (avoidant, anxious, disorganized or secure) boxes. We'll talk about how our childhood experiences and specific attachment wounds tend to lead to specific turn-ons. Plus, why that's good news and will help you de-shame your desires.

    In this episode:

    • Why attachment styles are learned habits, not personality traits or life sentences
    • How your attachment response shifts depending on who you're with, how they communicate, and the specific felt safety of that relationship
    • Why the anxious/avoidant label doesn't capture the full picture — and what the deeper wounds underneath those patterns actually are
    • A preview of the five developmental wounds this series explores: safety, dependency, trust, autonomy, and worth
    • The core skills that underlie secure attachment — and why they're learnable, not fixed traits reserved for people who had easier childhoods
    • How early unmet needs shape not just your relational patterns but your specific erotic desires — and why that connection makes complete sense once you see it

    Companion resource for this series:

    Dr. R. Chris Fraley's attachment quiz at yourpersonality.net/relstructures/ — the most useful tool I've found for understanding your patterns in the context of specific relationships, not just in the abstract

    The Wheel of Erotic Emotions — a visual map of common erotic emotions organized by category → laurajurgens.com/wheel

    Topics: attachment styles and desire, anxious avoidant attachment, attachment wounds, childhood wounds and relationships, secure attachment skills, erotic desires, intimacy coach, somatic intimacy coach, feminist sex coach, attachment theory explained, attachment styles and sex life, desire and intimacy, how to become securely attached

    Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

    More links:
    Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

    Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/

    About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/

    Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

    Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

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    39 分
  • What Makes a Great Lover? Research Shows It's These 8 Traits

    What Makes a Great Lover? Research Shows It's These 8 Traits
    2026/07/06

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    If you're searching for how to be a better lover, chances are you're encountering a lot of opinions that aren't rooted in fact. Most of us absorbed a version of what makes a great lover without ever being taught it — from movies, porn, romance novels, and a culture that never corrects those images with reality. The result is a subconscious checklist that includes perfect technique, the right body, spontaneous chemistry, and orgasms that look like movie scenes. And most of us are quietly measuring ourselves and our partners against it.

    Here's what the research actually says: none of that is what separates great lovers from everyone else.

    Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz at the University of Ottawa spent years interviewing people having what she calls magnificent sex — the largest in-depth study of its kind — and what they described looks almost nothing like what we've been taught to aspire to. The traits that actually made the difference are learnable. And almost nobody is talking about them.

    In this episode:

    • The cultural myths most of us are still measuring ourselves against — and why they're not just unhelpful, they're actively in the way
    • All eight traits Dr. Kleinplatz found in people having truly magnificent sex, and what each one actually means in practice
    • Why the cure for low desire isn't more desire for the sex you're already having — it's more desirable sex

    The book referenced in this episode is Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz: https://www.routledge.com/Magnificent-Sex-Lessons-from-Extraordinary-Lovers/Kleinplatz-Menard/p/book/9780367181376

    Topics: what makes a great lover, magnificent sex research, low desire, low libido, somatic sex coach, intimacy coach, feminist sex coach, embodiment, erotic intimacy, sexual communication, be a better lover

    Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

    More links:
    Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

    Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/

    About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/

    Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

    Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

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    28 分
  • When Parenting Your Partner is Killing Your Desire

    When Parenting Your Partner is Killing Your Desire
    2026/06/29

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    You love your partner. You're pretty sure you're still attracted to them. So why does your body say no — and why does it feel so connected to the fact that you've reminded them three times this week to do one thing?

    It is connected. The slow creep of feeling like your partner's parent is one of the most consistent desire-killers I see in my practice. In this episode I'm breaking down the three forms it takes, where each one comes from, and what actually moves the needle — whether you're the one carrying the household or the one wondering why your partner never wants sex anymore.

    In this episode:

    • The three patterns I see most: chore-based parenting, "good-boy syndrome," and anxiety-based reassurance-seeking — and how to recognize which one you're in
    • Why your nervous system cannot be in caretaking mode and erotic mode at the same time, and why wanting to want your partner isn't enough to override that
    • The flip side: why the person in the "child role" often has high desire and gets stuck in a loop they can't see from the inside
    • Where this comes from — work-life balance issues, patriarchy and male learned helplessness on one end; the developmental roots of not being able to self-soothe on the other
    • Why the frustrated-complaints approach keeps not working — and what I've seen actually work instead
    • What moving out of this dynamic looks like, depending on which side of it you're on

    Topics: parenting your partner, desire killer, low libido, not attracted to partner, emotional labor, mental load, resentment and desire, nervous system and sex drive, somatic intimacy coach, intimacy coach, relationship coach, male learned helplessness, self-soothing, attachment anxiety

    Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

    More links:
    Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

    Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/

    About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/

    Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

    Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

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    34 分
  • Even Light Power Play Needs a Negotiation (Here's How to Make It Sexy)

    Even Light Power Play Needs a Negotiation (Here's How to Make It Sexy)
    2026/06/22

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    Most people who are experimenting with power play and BDSM aren't doing anything extreme. They're just two people who trust each other, trying to "spice it up." But skipping the negotiation conversation because it feels like it has to be a mood killer is a rookie move that can lead to real problems.

    I'm not talking bruises here, I'm talking about emotional distance, shut down, and loss of libido.

    This episode is built around a real couple — smart, communicative, good at relationships — who did years of power play without ever having a proper negotiation conversation, because they both assumed that trusting each other was enough. It wasn't. The fallout was a sexless relationship, nervous system shutdown, and a lot of hurt that took real work to untangle.

    I want to help you avoid that entirely.

    Whether you're using restraints, doing impact, or just soft-topping: the negotiation is the first scene. Done right, it's not a clipboard and a liability waiver — it's where the anticipation starts, where you find out what your partner actually wants, where you start co-creating something that's going to be really, really good. This episode is about how to do that.

    In this episode:

    • Why smart, aware people keep skipping BDSM negotiation — and what it actually costs them
    • What subspace is, why your prefrontal cortex goes offline in it, and why that means the bottom has to be an architect of the negotiation, not a passenger
    • The real difference between topping/bottoming and dom/sub dynamics (and why accidentally agreeing to the wrong one causes relationship problems)
    • How to make the negotiation desire-forward, not just limit-focused — starting with how you want to feel, who you want to be, and what energy from a partner opens you up
    • Why aftercare isn't an afterthought, and how to talk about it before you play
    • Where to find real community and credible resources if you want to go deeper

    Whether you're kink-curious or have been playing for years, this one's worth your time.

    Resources mentioned:
    Yes, No, Maybe Lists from various sources (pick your favorite):
    Babeland: https://www.babeland.com/babe-blog/how-tos/yes-no-maybe/
    Bex Caputo: https://www.bextalkssex.com/yes-no-maybe/
    Sunny Megatron: https://sunnymegatron.com/consent-sexual-boundaries-yesnomaybe/

    Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

    More links:
    Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

    Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/

    About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/

    Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

    Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

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    38 分
  • Joy and Pleasure After Sexual Self-Abandonment

    Joy and Pleasure After Sexual Self-Abandonment
    2026/06/15

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    Sexual self-abandonment is what happens when we stop having sex for ourselves. We may or may not actually stop having sex -- we might be doing it for someone else. For their desire, on their timeline, their idea of what sex should look like, while our own wants, our own pace, our own boundaries quietly went missing somewhere along the way.

    That's what this episode is about. How we get there — there are three really common pathways, and I've lived through all three myself — and more importantly, how to find your way back to your own body, your own desires, and your own pleasure. This episode is about hope, and about a door that's still open to you no matter how long you've been on the other side of it.

    In this episode:

    • The three pathways into sexual self-abandonment — through approval-seeking, through abusive relationships, and through trauma and dissociation — and why they so often overlap
    • Why "sacred sexuality" group spaces can actually be dangerous if you haven't done this work yet
    • The six steps back to yourself, including the grief that's part of the process (and why that grief is a good sign, not a setback)
    • What it actually means to come home to your own body, your own erotic self, and your own yes and no — and why that's the foundation everything else gets built on

    Topics: sexual self-abandonment, somatic sex coaching, sexual trauma recovery, de-shaming, erotic self, intimacy coach, body-based healing, dissociation, reconnecting with your body, feminist sex coach

    Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

    More links:
    Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

    Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/

    About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/

    Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

    Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

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    29 分
  • What Two Feminist Relationship Coaches See in Heated Rivalry, with Maggie Reyes

    What Two Feminist Relationship Coaches See in Heated Rivalry, with Maggie Reyes
    2026/06/08

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    It's Pride Month, and I am celebrating with my dear friend and fellow feminist relationship coach Maggie Reyes by doing something I've been wanting to do anyway: sit down and talk about Heated Rivalry — the show, the books, why we love them, and what they actually teach us about real relationships.

    Beware: There be spoilers ahead, matey.

    This is a fun one, and it goes deeper than fangirling. Maggie and I both coach on many of the dynamics this show depicts — vulnerability, shame, the cost of hiding your real desires, and what happens when someone finally has the courage to go first. We talk about how we can all learn from this show through that lens.

    In this episode:

    • Why the closet dynamic in Heated Rivalry is a perfect illustration of how shame works, and how to heal it
    • Turning toward vs. turning away: what Shane and Ilya get right (eventually) and what costs them years
    • What Scott and Kip's relationship models that most couples never figure out
    • Why vulnerability requires someone going first — and how to do it without it backfiring
    • The cottage episode as a masterclass in why time and play matter as much as hard conversations
    • What women's response to this show tells us about desire, representation, and who mainstream sexual culture has never been built for
    • The communication pitfall that we both want to warn you off

    Maggie Reyes is a master certified life coach, feminist marriage coach, and host of the Marriage Life Coach podcast. Find her at maggiereyes.com.

    Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

    More links:
    Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

    Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/

    About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/

    Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

    Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

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    1 時間 3 分