Drop your standards! Let go of your perfectionistic tendencies!

If I were paid a dollar every time I heard this message, I would have a large bank account by now.

When you’re pursuing a top performance – from athletic to intellectual to artistic ones – it’s fundamental that you distinguish those common principles that improve your performance and your well-being altogether.

In this episode, Brad Stulberg and I discussed research-based skills to deal with high-achieving and striving behaviors in a skillful manner and without losing yourself.

Key Takeaways

• How to distinguish when perfectionistic actions are working for you or against you
• The difference between values-based goals and ego-driven goals
• How to avoid burnout in the information era
• How to manage your proneness to perfectionistic actions
• Day-to-day experiences of experiential avoidance
• Tips to handle the fear of failure
• How to figure out what is on the other side of your fears
• How to practice self-compassion when handling our fears

Show notes with time stamps

00:31 Understanding Fear-Based Reactions

01:02 Overcoming Perfectionism

01:36 Interview with Brad Stulberg: High Achieving and Striving Behaviors

02:19 Reflecting on Your Life and Overcoming Overthinking

03:28 Living According to Your Values

04:10 Using a Values-Based Review to Live the Life You Want

04:46 Conversation with Brad Stulberg: Balancing Productivity and Wellbeing

05:43 Understanding the Double-Edged Sword of Optimization

08:44 Dealing with Fear of Failure and Regret

17:48 Navigating Ego-Driven Goals and Values-Based Goals

24:09 Overcoming Experiential Avoidance

(*) Receive free weekly science-based, compassionate, and actionable skills to stop ineffective playing-it-safe

(*) Figure out your playing-it-safe profile in 5 minutes and identify the key thinking strategies that keep you living in your head

(*) Learn ACT skills for anxious achievers by taking Dr. Z. ACT courses

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Perfectionism isn’t a personality quirk. It’s a pattern of reinforced behaviors that can seep into every aspect of your life.

You may set certain standards for yourself, certain rules about how things are supposed to be or how you are supposed to behave; while you may meet those standards for a while, they eventually - and inevitably - fall short. Then, you feel crushed. Then, you criticize yourself. And then, to drown out the negativity, you set new goals, standards, and expectations for yourself. The cycle of ineffective perfectionistic actions repeats and maintains itself.

There is nothing wrong with striving to do things right and perfectly - that’s natural when you deeply care about things and what matters to you. And, as you have heard me say before, it’s extremely important that you learn to harness the power of perfectionistic actions without losing yourself. 

In this podcast episode, I chat with Monica Basco, Ph.D. We discuss specific topics related to perfectionism in detail:

(a) A large part of the conversation clarifies how having high standards and being perfectionistic can be both, beneficial and detrimental, and finding the balance between the two is crucial.

(b) We also discussed the interplay between perfectionistic behaviors and procrastination as two sides of the same coin.

(c) Monica and I highlighted the fact that setting high-goals is productive when one can tolerate failure. However, learning to pursue what matters and learning to let things go - as the right thing to do - is also important.

(d) Finally, we discuss ideas for you to conduct a functional analysis, or in other words, we discuss key questions for you to understand your drive to engage in perfectionistic actions (e.g., what is my mind trying to protect me from right now?)

Key Takeaways

• Discussing perfectionism and high-achieving behaviors
• Understanding the impact of high goals
• The role of confidence in goal setting
• The intersection of perfectionism and procrastination

Show notes with time-stamps

01:00 Understanding Fear and Perfectionism

01:31 Dealing with Perfectionism and High-Achieving Behaviors

02:35 Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Perfectionism

04:14 Setting Goals and Dealing with Failure

05:12 Understanding Overachievement and Expectations

08:37 Dealing with Rejection and Pursuing Goals

20:43 Understanding the Intersection of Perfectionism and Procrastination

(*) Receive free weekly science-based, compassionate, and actionable skills to stop ineffective playing-it-safe

(*) Figure out your playing-it-safe profile in 5 minutes and identify the key thinking strategies that keep you living in your head

(*) Learn ACT skills for anxious achievers by taking Dr. Z. ACT courses

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today’s episode takes off with discussing fears of driving. This is the starting point to discuss a key process within acceptance commitment therapy: values-based exposures.

In this episode, you will learn the principles to approach your fears, worries, and anxieties in a flexible way and in the service of your values.

Brian Thompson, Ph.D. and I covered different ACT skills such as defusion, values, willingness and what you can do if you’re getting stuck in conquering your fears or you’re afraid of starting the process of facing your anxieties.

Key Takeaways

• What is willingness
• How to deal with uncertainty
• What to do when you’re powering through a fearful situation
• What is exposure
• Understanding fear-based reactions and safe behaviors
• Exploring the concept of exposure in overcoming fear
• Dealing with physical sensations during fearful situations
• The role of acceptance and commitment therapy in overcoming fear
• Understanding the concept of willingness in therapy
• Addressing fear of uncertainty and unpredictability
• Introduction to the upcoming book on act-informed exposure for anxiety
• Understanding act and exposure
• Dealing with chronic worry
• Effective problem solving vs. worry

Show notes with time stamps

00:31 Understanding Fear-Based Reactions and Safe Behaviors

01:00 Exploring Exposure Therapy and Anxiety

01:09 Dealing with Physical Sensations During Panic Attacks

02:44 Strategies to Manage Anxiety and Fear

03:39 Addressing Intrusive Thoughts and Fears

04:16 Understanding Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

07:33 Exploring Willingness in Therapy

14:28 Addressing Fear of Uncertainty

17:28 Introduction to ACT-Informed Exposure for Anxiety

19:19 Discussing the Book and Its Approach

19:44 Recommendations for Approaching the Book

19:45 Understanding the Process of Exposure

20:38 The Role of Repetition in Exposure

21:37 Handling Chronic Worries and Ruminations

22:12 Using ACT for Chronic Worry

23:11 Writing Imaginal Scripts for Worries

26:13 Effective Problem Solving vs. Worry

26:50 Distinguishing Between Productive and Unproductive Worry

(*) Receive free weekly science-based, compassionate, and actionable skills to stop ineffective playing-it-safe

(*) Figure out your playing-it-safe profile in 5 minutes and identify the key thinking strategies that keep you living in your head

(*) Learn ACT skills for anxious achievers by taking Dr. Z. ACT courses

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ever catch yourself engaging in incessant mind chatter in a high-stakes situation? The kind that fills your head with self-doubt, comparisons, and anticipations of failure? You're not alone. We all do it. But what if there was a way to overcome these self-limiting beliefs and embrace life's challenges with confidence? 

I had a chance to talk to Dr. Mitchell Greene, Ph.D. regarding performance anxiety, managing self-doubt, and comparison thoughts among athletes or overthinkers. 

If you have been following the podcast, you know by now that by making room for your thoughts, rather than struggling against them, you can redirect your focus towards the present moment and towards what matters. 

In today’s episode, we discussed other micro-skills to manage mental chatter with curiosity and courage. 

Key Takeaways

• The pitfalls of positive thinking
• Managing mind chatter
• How to shift your attention from hypothetical worries to the present moment
• Redirecting your attention from “what if” to “what is”
• How to manage lapses in confidence
• A useful mindset to perform challenging tasks
• Exploring the concept of positive thinking
• Understanding mind chatter and its impact
• Strategies for managing mind chatter
• Applying mind chatter management in real-life scenarios

(*) Receive free weekly science-based, compassionate, and actionable skills to stop ineffective playing-it-safe

(*) Figure out your playing-it-safe profile in 5 minutes and identify the key thinking strategies that keep you living in your head

(*) Learn ACT skills for anxious achievers by taking Dr. Z. ACT courses

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this scenario: you encounter an ambiguous and uncertain situation, and then, of course, you quickly try to solve it. You anticipate all types of scenarios and try to prepare for each one of them, without realizing you are worrying and consumed with anxiety.

Worry is primarily a thought-based process, and that’s what makes it tricky. Unpacking worry thoughts and distinguishing the unhelpful from the helpful ones are crucial.

We all worry from time to time, that’s unavoidable. But playing-it-safe by worrying all the time takes a hefty toll on your well-being, happiness, and relationships.

In this episode, I interview Dr. Chad Lejeune, Ph.D.

We discussed the subtleties of worrying, what keeps worry cycles, and the importance of developing a new relationship with your mind. In the second part of the interview, I shared with Chad an unexpected situation I encountered when traveling, and we used that as an opportunity to discuss micro-skills to manage uncertainty, what-if thoughts, and reassurance-seeking and information-seeking behaviors.

Key Takeaways

• How to develop a new relationship with thinking
• How to distinguish effective problem-solving from ineffective one
• Understanding fear and anxiety
• Defining worry and its impact
• The role of thoughts in worry
• Distinguishing between productive and nonproductive worry
• The consequences of worry
• Addressing beliefs about worry
• Changing our relationship with our thoughts
• Dealing with unexpected situations
• Embracing uncertainty and ambiguity
• The anxious brain and uncertainty
• Productive thoughts and problem-solving
• The power of narratives and storytelling
• The distinction between problem-solving and creating narratives
• The danger of excessive information-seeking
• The power of accepting uncertainty
• The importance of learning from the past

Show notes with time stamps

00:27 Understanding Fear and Anxiety

01:26 Defining Worry and Its Impact

02:27 Distinguishing Between Worry and Problem-Solving

05:50 The Consequences of Worry

06:43 Addressing Beliefs About Worry

11:27 Changing Our Relationship with Our Thoughts

17:41 Practical Example: Dealing with Unexpected Situations

22:59 The Power of Productive Thoughts

23:56 The Mind's Narratives and Their Impact

25:46 The Distinction Between Problem Solving and Worrying

28:15 The Power of Acceptance and Living in the Present

28:20 The Pitfalls of Excessive Information Seeking

29:12 The Role of Google in Reassurance Seeking

32:29 The Importance of Embracing Uncertainty

(*) Receive free weekly science-based, compassionate, and actionable skills to stop ineffective playing-it-safe

(*) Figure out your playing-it-safe profile in 5 minutes and identify the key thinking strategies that keep you living in your head

(*) Learn ACT skills for anxious achievers by taking Dr. Z. ACT courses

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We all experience anxiety in some form, in some way, and in some shape. Because anxiety, fears, and worries can be so uncomfortable, we quickly play-it-safe. And when you’re prone to deeply caring for what you do - as high-achievers, strivers, and perfectionists - then the fears of being a failure or not being good enough are amplified.

In this conversation, Annick Seys and I discussed the many layers in which these fears show up and how nourishing your observer-self can shift from self-criticism into self-acceptance, from self-judgment into self-compassion, and from emotional avoidance into curious behaviors.

Cultivating your observer-self isn't just about self-distancing; it is about your well-being and living a purpose-driven life.

Key Takeaways

• How to deal with the gap between expectations and reality
• How to practice self-acceptance
• How to unpack the fear of being a failure in the moment
• How to understand the fear of being a failure
• The problem with toxic positivity
• Relational Frame Theory of Language
• How to nourish your observer-self
• Understanding the observer-self
• The power of curiosity
• Self-compassion on-the-go

Show notes with time stamps

00:31 Understanding Fear-Based Reactions

01:00 The Struggles of Time Management

01:07 Dealing with Disappointments and Failures

05:31 Exploring Self-Acceptance

06:01 The Ongoing Exercise of Self-Acceptance

11:45 Unpacking the Fear of Failure

14:12 The Impact of Toxic Positivity

17:47 Tapping into the Observer Self

18:01 Exercises to Connect with the Observer Self

20:50 Understanding the Observer Self

24:03 Experiencing Different Moods

26:11 Relating to Past Experiences

29:59 Overcoming the Fear of Failure

(*) Receive free weekly science-based, compassionate, and actionable skills to stop ineffective playing-it-safe

(*) Figure out your playing-it-safe profile in 5 minutes and identify the key thinking strategies that keep you living in your head

(*) Learn ACT skills for anxious achievers by taking Dr. Z. ACT courses

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you find yourself anxiously anticipating rejection in everyday situations?

The fear of being rejected or judged leads to a hyper-awareness of others' facial expressions, opinions, or anticipation of rejection. It’s like you’re expecting others will reject you and interpret a situation using those lenses. This interplay between rejection sensitivity and anxiety influences how you navigate your relationships.

Understanding the root of rejection sensitivity and its connection to anxiety is pivotal to stop playing-it-safe automatically.

In today’s episode, I interview Ozlem Ayduk, Ph.D.

We delve deeper into the psychological processes behind rejection sensitivity and anxiety. You will hear practical strategies to break free from the shackles of rejection sensitivity and anxiety.

Key Takeaways

• Self-distancing
• Rejection sensitivity
• What maintains rejection sensitivity
• The relationship between experiential avoidance and rejection sensitivity
• How ambiguous situations are triggers for responses driven by rejection sensitivity
• The use of self-talk 
• Is it helpful to be highly sensitive in certain contexts? When and where? 
• The upsides or benefits of high emotional sensitivity
• Can someone struggle with rejection sensitivity without a history of rejection? 
• The intersection of emotion regulation and rejection sensitivity
• Is rejection sensitivity dysphoria different or the same as rejection sensitivity?

FREE VALUES-BASED REVIEW (21-PAGES)

How often do you play-it-safe? How often do you get stuck in your head? How often do you notice a gap between the life you want to live and the life you're living? You aren’t alone.

When dealing with doubts, worries, anxieties, or fears, it's quite likely that you spend a lot of time in your head, thinking and thinking and relying on all types of strategies to manage all those anxious thoughts.

If you’re ready to get out of your head and break free from those barriers that stand between you and the life you want to live, this practical 21-page guide will help you get back on track!

If you’re like many others, you may wonder, “how does one actually get back on track?” Here is my response: You check your values and how you have been living with them. When was the last time you paused and asked yourself: Am I doing what matters? Am I living my values in my relationships, career, friendships, and spiritual life?

The reality is that most of us live life letting life happen to us, and if we’re lucky, we figure out what’s truly important to us and what we want to stand for. So, another way to check how we're really living is by pausing, checking what truly matters to you, and whether your actions are congruent with those values or not.

Here is a 21-page template you can use; it includes a description of 9 life areas, a values thesaurus, a values-dashboard, and reflective prompts for each area in your life.

Click here: ​https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/Values-based-review-2021.pdf

(*) Receive weekly science-based, compassionate, and actionable skills to stop ineffective playing-it-safe: subscribe to the Playing-it-safe Newsletter: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Self-compassion is the willingness to respond to your pain and suffering in the same way a good friend of yours might–with warmth, patience, and understanding. That sounds easy, right? But you know it isn’t.

For many, self-criticism is a classic playing-it-safe move. It’s like your mind is a champion at criticizing you in response to those moments in which you feel anxious about something that has happened or could happen.

Which of the following fear statements resonate with you?

• If I’m kind to myself, I will become a weak person.
• I need to be hard on myself or I will never get everything done.
• I don’t deserve kindness.
• A harsh approach keeps me from making mistakes or keeps me disciplined.
• Self-criticism motivates me all the time.

Ask yourself: “Am I afraid of compassion?”

In this episode, I chat with Paul Gilbert, the developer of Compassion Focused Therapy.

Key Takeaways

• The beginnings of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT)
• 4 steps to compassionately deal with your inner critic
• The difference between shame and guilt
• How to approach self-forgiveness
• The intersection of self-compassion and exposure practices
• Paul Gilbert’s self-compassion daily practice
• What to do if your mind thinks that “self-compassion is weak, it is being permissive with yourself, or that you’re letting yourself off the hook.”
• How to deal compassionately with anger

(*) Receive weekly science-based, compassionate, and actionable skills to stop ineffective playing-it-safe: subscribe to the Playing-it-safe Newsletter: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.