In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler discuss two types of change – counteractive change and transformational change – and how each one impacts healing. They also consider honesty, manipulation, and lying; and warn listeners of the danger of a partner claiming that they’ll never hurt you again.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:57] Defining counteractive change and transformational change.

[4:08] Early recovery almost always includes counteractive change.

[5:33] Honesty is a complicated request.

[9:37] Reflective and dissociative lying are learned behaviors.

[11:49] Trusting your gut around lying patterns.

[17:20] Lying to set boundaries and allow for self-preservation.

[22:32] Is this lie going to hurt my relationship?

[24:40] Counteractive change does not lead to deeper healing.

[29:55] Your partner cannot always be the catalyst for your behavior.

[34:10] Threatening is about control, not about fostering relationships.

[37:28] Trusting your own intuition and getting your needs met.

[41:40] How can I handle my betrayed partner’s indignation and anger?

[47:05] How can I respond to my partner’s promise to never hurt me again?

[53:18] How can I approach my extremely avoidant partner?

[56:07] My cheating partner was never going to tell me the truth. Now what?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “All lying is manipulative in the sense that you’re trying to manipulate the other person to think and feel a certain way.”

• “Trust your gut when you recognize a familiar pattern.”

• “Sometimes a person can change because they love someone else. Real transformative change happens because they love themselves.”

• “No relationship is healthy if it's filled with threats.”

• “Even if you could prove that acting out didn’t occur, that’s not the point. Your intuition is telling you that you have needs that aren’t being met.”

• “You cannot make any choice in life without accepting a loss.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and CSAT Jon Taylor consider the implications of two-person psychology and how cheating and betrayal never affect just one person. Jon shares common early recovery mantras as they apply to the two-person psychology filter, then answers listener questions about lying, sobriety, and disclosure.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Mantras for early recovery in the two-person psychology filter.

[3:06] “Focus on your side of the street.”

[6:01] Living with uncertainty in your relationship - “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.”

[9:15] Whatever you put in front of recovery, you will lose.

[14:08] Does your partner need to tell you everything?

[20:09] “All addicts are…” The danger of broad sweeping statements.

[24:15] “Sobriety will solve all relationship problems.”

[29:32] How can I overcome my fear of full disclosure?

[34:55] Should I move out because my partner is uncertain about my recovery?

[39:15] “Don’t go to the hareware store looking for bread.”

[42:45] My husband altered his disclosure after his lie detector results came in. How can I ever trust him?

[45:57] How much of the past should we spend our time discussing?

[49:12] Are lies of omission typical of addicts?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “You don’t quite get the whole picture of healing, change and recovery if you’re not thinking in terms of two-person systems.”

• “What happens on one side of the street affects the other side too.”

• “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.”

• “Each partner should be able to explain in simple terms why or why not something should be discussed.”

• “Living with intention can only be achieved by two people working on a relationship and constructing it in a co-equal way.”

• “Sobriety is a prerequisite to building a healthy relationship, but it is not the mechanism that a healthy relationship is built with.”

• “It doesn’t have to feel good every step of the way to get a good outcome.”

• “You can’t have serious safety and security in a relationship if you don’t take it seriously.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami address participant questions about sex, intimacy, betrayal, and addiction. They answer questions about finding peace with yourself in the midst of rage and repulsion, choosing recovery and allowing the process of forgiveness to play out, and how to find hope in the midst of betrayal.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:00] Forgiveness is a process and recovery is a choice.

[7:01] Are you taking care of your spouse while you’re dying inside?

[12:26] Is in-house separation the next right step?

[18:18] My husband’s betrayal has created chronic triggers in me. Now what?

[26:56] Finding hope in the midst of betrayal.

[27:44] What therapy is available to my lying partner?

[36:16] What can I do to grow my emotional maturity when I’m stressed?

[41:31] How can I move beyond my rage and repulsion at my betraying partner?

[49:28] How do you know when your partner is serious about change or just going through the motions?

[54:05] I have so much rage and I want revenge. How can I fix this?

[57:44] Should I know what my partner’s arousal template is?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Begging for forgiveness is not respecting the other person because they need to hurt for a while.”

• “You’re the one with the problem if you still let him in your bed.”

• “Women are not the problem. Your cheating husband is the problem.”

• “Whatever the other person does, you have to be strong enough to say ‘I am worth more’.”

• “Don’t ask ‘how can I not feel this way?’ Ask ‘how can I be at peace with myself?’”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami address the facts about forgiveness, trust, connection and peace, both in the early days of recovery as well as years down the road. They offer strategies for effective in-house separation, call out the warning signs of gaslighting, and get serious about setting feelings aside to start facing the facts.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:30] How can I find an accountability partner for filtering software?

[7:20] Is it a slip or a relapse?

[9:20] What are appropriate time frames and factors for recovery?

[14:45] Healing, peace and connection after betrayal.

[19:21] How can I intimately connect with my spouse after my betrayal?

[25:47] I caught my husband in the middle of his lies. Now what?

[33:24] Are there options for inpatient treatment for betrayed partners?

[38:20] Strategies for effective in-house separation.

[39:45] My husband wants to leave to find external validation, I want him to stay. What do I do?

[44:53] Is my betraying partner gaslighting me through recovery too?

[50:19] Is it normal for the betraying spouse to be terrified of formal disclosure?

[54:17] How can we stay together without trust?

[58:15] It’s been 5 years since D-day and I’m finally ready to move out. How can I stay strong in my decision?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Life is full of triggers. What is it that you’re going to do about your triggers?”

• “You will never trust in the same way again. But to be at peace is a whole different thing.”

• “Intimacy is revealing yourself emotionally, and ultimately, sexually as well.”

• “Honesty is the crux of recovery. You cannot be in recovery and constantly lying about everything.”

• “Feelings aren’t facts. In recovery, your feelings are less relevant than the facts of what you’re going through.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and Erin Snow answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They consider timelines in recovery, what full disclosure entails, and how to know if your partner is an addict or just a full-blown jerk, or both.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Is this seminar only for partners experiencing betrayal?

[3:55] How do I know if my partner is an addict or just an a**hole?

[7:25] How should I define my inner circle behaviors after chem sex recovery?

[12:09] My wife can’t get over my affair, it’s already been 10 months.

[19:50] Can I trust that my husband suddenly has no urges to act out?

[27:10] My husband says he’ll tell me anything that I ask him about. Was his disclosure incomplete?

[31:52] Do you suggest a 12-Step program for the betrayed partner? It’s not my fault!

[35:55] Can you clarify between a porn addict and a sex/love addict?

[44:10 How long does recovery take on average?

[49:19] Can recovery happen without a formal 12-Step program?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “She’s not going to believe that you’re not sexually attracted to them when she doesn’t believe anything you say right now.”

• “The action that it takes to rebuild trust takes time.”

• “You may not be enmeshed in your partner’s behavior, but you are deeply involved.”

• “What matters most is the quality of the time that you are spending on your own individual work to heal and to rebuild trust.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They offer resources for therapeutic separation, communication at every stage of recovery and reconciliation, and tools for practicing empathy with betrayed partners.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:24] Does my partner need to see a psychoanalyst first to get honest about his past?

[4:28] What resources are available for communication building in the later stages of recovery and reconciliation?

[9:17] How can I work to regain trust after recent relapses?

[13:35] How do I start the amends process with my betrayed spouse?

[17:43] Why do betrayers have to go to Porn Addiction 101 through Seeking Integrity?

[22:10] How can I handle my ex’s new girlfriend joining the family?

[24:30] What does loving detachment really look like?

[30:51] Can addicts and their partners heal outside the therapeutic setting?

[34:20] What is the correlation between sex addiction and OCD?

[36:41] How can I feel safe even though I have forgiven my partner?

[41:05] What tools can an addict use to practice empathy with their partner?

[42:25] What resources are available to get CSAT couples on the same page regarding key terms?

[47:00] My partner’s blameshifting and defensiveness is escalating in therapeutic separation, what should I do next?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Stop the problematic behavior first, then address the underlying issues.”

• “I’m never in the later stages of recovery. Recovery is something I will do for my whole life.”

• “Your living amends happens when you act differently.”

• “If the worst thing happens, what are you going to do to take care of you?”

Troy Love and Tami answer participant questions about attachment wounds, shame, healthy boundaries, and the reality that an addict is always going to be an addict. It’s only how they chose to move forward in recovery that will change their life for better.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] My partner betrayed me and now we live like roommates. How can I refine myself whether I stay or go?

[6:27] How can I stop judging myself for staying?

[10:01] My wife doesn’t think I’m working hard enough in recovery. Is there a timeline we should know about?

[17:09] Will I ever be able to live my life without triggers?

[21:55] Are men and women meant to be in marital couples? It appears to be societal not biological.

[24:40] How can I engage in healthy sexual activity, without blurring the lines between the patterns of my unhealthy sexual behavior?

[30:16] I’m not sure my spouse is even sober, which treatment group is right for him?

[34:03] How can I address the pain of recovery preemptively before I move to soothe by acting out?

[38:42] My partner is still acting out and even harming others. How can I move forward?

[41:19] My avoidant attachment style is making connection feel non-exisistent.

[45:54] Has Seeking Integrity considered having a moderator who is a betrayed partner?

[47:51] If relationships are so painful, why don’t we tell people that relationships aren’t for everyone?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Wounds need to be healed regardless of what choice you make about staying in a relationship.”

• “Every partner wants it to be all better right now, and that’s just not reality. You will always be an addict.”

• “Shame is going to unravel connection faster than anything else.”

• “We all have attachment wounds, and they are going to get bumped.”

Dr. Rob and Tami answer participant questions about rebuilding trust through intimate conversations, ideas for setting healthy boundaries after betrayal, and the danger of an addict swearing that they’re done acting out for the rest of their life.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:15] Current and upcoming resources at Seeking Integrity.

[3:20] Do sponsees pay upfront or make monthly payments?

[4:45] Are there agnostic 12 Step programs?

[8:22] Ideas for connection activities that rebuild trust?

[16:01] My husband is attending groups to placate me but is not participating. Is this normal?

[20:04] Setting healthy boundaries after betrayal.

[21:35] What are the statistics surrounding porn sobriety?

[24:15] The danger of swearing that you’ll never act out ever again.

[31:39] You are the only person that can take care of you.

[33:30] Don’t believe an addict when they are love-bombing you.

[36:41] Are 30% of men on dating sites really already married?

[40:32] Recommended sources for healing the shame of my partner’s betrayal?

[49:52] Is there a way to engage in self sexuality that would not be considered acting out?

[53:40] What is the recommended protocol for moving through fallout from a therapeutic disclosure?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “When people come together and try to support each other and find a way to heal as a group, to me, that is a spiritual experience.”

• “To understand what I’m going through and really listen to me, that is intimacy.”

• “The only thing I can guarantee is that I’m consistently working on this and I’m committed to it.”

• “You are the only person that can take care of you.”