John Taylor and Tami explore the importance of engaging executive functioning in relationship repair and recovery. John offers several questions that partners can ask to jump-start engagement in rebuilding trust. They then answer participant questions about transactional relationships, realistic expectations for change after 25 years of betrayal, and the reality of building a relationship with someone who is selfish.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:10] Why your brain stops working after D-day.

[4:30] Hypervigilance is your brain trying to keep you safe.

[6:45] Questions to ask that engage the frontal lobe.

[7:30] What are we doing here?

[13:58] What are our priorities?

[17:35] What roles and responsibilities do we need to step into?

[21:37] What am I personally doing to align with these priorities?

[25:45] Have I considered my partner in my actions?

[29:44] Effectively reducing tension in a partnership.

[33:26] Do you really want it to go back to how it was before?

[34:40] Can we stay together in a low-level transactional companionship?

[38:05] What if we don't have a shared value system?

[41:57] Is it possible for him to be functional when he's never made lasting changes?

[46:38] Is there really no relationship with someone who is selfish?

[54:02] How important are postnuptual agreements?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "Things getting calm doesn't switch how the brain functions."

• "'Fair' means the person who has been betrayed gets to take their time to deliberate and think about terms for continuance."

• "Vengeance is not restitution or repair."

• "We have to coax our executive functioning into existence again when it's been compromised."

• "We have to believe what people show us more than what they tell us."