READERS OF A certain age all over North America will remember a really excellent Canadian comedy-variety show called The Red Green Show, which had a 15-year run starting in 1990, starring Steve Smith as gravel-voiced handyman Red Green. Each week, Red would preside over the “Handyman Corner” segment of the show, in which he would do something ridiculous with duct tape and, usually, one or more rusty old cars. In one memorable episode from Season 14, Red made a DIY “mid-engine sports car” by sawing off the trunk of a rusty Mercury Grand Marquis, squashing the cabin flat, and duct-taping what remained onto the front of another car of the same model. The result was a remarkably ugly barge-shaped thing, about 50 feet long, which Red then hopped into and fired up, remarking proudly, “This isn’t an old junker anymore, it’s a fancy Italian mid-engine junker,” and adding his famous tagline: “If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy!” Viewers and studio-audience members of Red’s show probably felt, watching him drive off in this monstrosity, about the same way the executives of Oregon’s two big riverboat almost-monopolies did back in 1874 while they watched an Ohio greenhorn’s progress on the riverboat he was building. They watched, and they laughed. The executives were also, it seems clear, congratulating themselves for having had the good sense not to hire that “Red Green” type guy when he’d applied to them for a job a few months earlier. The Ohio man, whose name was Uriah B. Scott, had come to them almost as soon as he’d arrived in Oregon, asking for a job and babbling about “shallow-draft hulls” — as if their riverboats weren’t already on shallow-draft hulls! What, did he think they ran a blue-water fleet or something? They were in for a big surprise.... (Canemah, Clackamas County; 1870s) (For text and pictures, see https://offbeatoregon.com/2503b1110d.uriah-scott-riverboat-genius-692.145.html)
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