Why do we find it hard to just ‘let them’?

‘Let them’ sounds simple until it lands in the middle of real life - being left out, ghosted, judged, or faced with someone whose behaviour crosses a line. In this episode, we unpack why this viral Mel Robbins idea is so compelling, and why it becomes much harder when feelings, values, and relationships are actually on the line.

We examine down the tension between acceptance and self-protection, asking the question the shortcut never answers: what do you do when “just let them” could mean becoming a doormat, swallowing hurt, or letting a relationship drift without repair? We explore why we so often assume other people’s behaviour is about us, how quickly a tiny moment can spiral into FOMO, rejection, or a full-blown story in our heads, and why the first reaction is usually the least useful one.

We also dig into the deeper question underneath it all: when is it actually wise to let them, and when does silence, avoidance, or ‘being chill’ just keep you stuck in the same painful pattern?

Adrienne brings a grounded therapeutic lens to the idea of boundaries, emotional regulation, and choosing your response instead of reacting on impulse. Lucy pushes on the real-world complications - what if letting it go means tolerating bad behaviour, losing connection, or ignoring something morally important? Together, we test where the line is between healthy detachment and necessary confrontation.

This episode is perfect for anyone who has ever felt excluded, overreacted too quickly, or struggled to know when to speak up and when to let go.

Take aways:

why “let them” is easier in theory than in practice

how to tell the difference between a situation that is truly not about you and one that needs a response

what happens when we confuse someone’s behaviour with our own worth

why calming your nervous system matters more than winning the argument

how to spot the patterns, stories, and childhood beliefs that get activated when you feel excluded

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore the very human tendency to read into situations and how our perceptions can distort reality. We have a bias for making assumptions based on our prior experiences with other people, and then do not check them out in the current situation. In fact, we often are not aware that we are applying these assumptions at all. And, of course, there is our inclination to believe everything our brains think – and as we often say in these podcasts, just because we believe something, it doesn’t mean it is true!

We go on to discuss strategies for mindful communication, the importance of self-awareness, and how we might foster healthier relationships by questioning assumptions and managing our emotional responses.

Key topics

Why we read into situations more than we should

The impact of personal biases and experiences on perception

The importance of curiosity and asking questions

Strategies for emotional regulation and staying calm

The role of honesty and kindness in communication

How to recognise and challenge assumptions

The significance of self-awareness and reflection

The danger of overthinking and rumination

Techniques for mindful listening and speaking

Building trust and vulnerability in relationships

Takeaways

We tend to interpret situations based on our own experiences and assumptions.

Questioning our initial thoughts can prevent misunderstandings.

Emotional regulation is crucial for effective communication.

Practicing mindfulness helps in responding rather than reacting.

Being honest and kind in communication fosters trust.

Taking a pause before responding can de-escalate conflicts.

Recognising that not everything is about us reduces overthinking.

Self-awareness and curiosity are key to understanding others.

Avoiding overinterpretation requires conscious effort and practice.

Trusting others to tell the truth is vital, but we must also be prepared for honesty.

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore the roots of defensiveness, how it manifests in communication, and practical ways to respond more mindfully. Defensiveness probably has its origins in safeguarding us from a fear of being excluded, though it generally has the opposite effect from the one we are after! We are often trying to explain ourselves, to be seen as ‘a good person’ when we judge that we have been misunderstood, and we come over as defensive doing this.

We discuss the impact of childhood experiences, social dynamics, and emotional regulation on our reactions, and towards the end of the episode, we offer insights to foster healthier interactions.

Key Topics

The human tendency towards defensiveness as a safeguarding mechanism

The role of being misunderstood and judged in triggering defensiveness

Evolutionary roots of fear of exclusion and outcasting

The impact of childhood experiences on adult defensiveness

Strategies to respond calmly and reduce conflict in conversations

The importance of mindfulness and present-moment awareness in communication

How to differentiate between genuine criticism and perceived attack

The role of shame and self-perception in defensive reactions

Takeaways

Defensiveness often stems from a deep-seated fear of being misunderstood or outcast.

Responding with curiosity and calmness can prevent escalation of conflicts.

Childhood experiences and early relationships heavily influence adult defensive behaviours.

Practicing mindfulness helps in recognising and managing defensive reactions.

Building awareness of one's emotional triggers is key to healthier communication.

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore the intricacies of social anxiety, conversation starters, and the stories we tell ourselves about social interactions. Social anxiety can lead us to believe that everyone else is more interesting than us, but perhaps everyone else also thinks that about themselves. We consider that believing this story can be a way of making it true, by causing us to become tongue-tied in social situations. We also explore our dislike of ‘small talk’, something that’s not particular to just us!

We share personal experiences and practical insights on how to navigate social situations with more confidence and authenticity.

Takeaways

Our perception of others as more interesting is often a story we tell ourselves.

Small talk is a necessary but often uncomfortable part of social interactions.

Authenticity and self-awareness can help reduce social anxiety.

Stories activate parts of us that may not be helpful in social situations.

Being kind to ourselves and realistic about social interactions is crucial.

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore why we are so affected by others' emotional states. We discuss how childhood experiences shape our responses, how they may make us more porus to the feelings of others.

We investigate practical ways to manage our emotional boundaries, to include ourselves in our beam of care, and to protect ourselves from merging with the feelings of others.

This insightful conversation offers tools for understanding and protecting our emotional well-being in personal and professional relationships.

Key Topics

Impact of childhood experiences on emotional responses

Role of mirror neurons in empathy and emotional contagion

Strategies for managing emotional boundaries

The influence of neurodivergence on social interactions

Practical tips for staying present without being overwhelmed

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we delve into the common challenge of avoiding difficult tasks, and we examine the emotional and practical barriers that keep us stuck. Often, when we find ourselves putting off getting on with the tricky things, we give ourselves a really hard time. However, it’s not as easy as just telling ourselves to get on with it! Being kind to ourselves helps us to recognise that our emotional capacity may be at breaking point. Once we can do that, we may be able to work out what one thing we might be possible to do, rather than thinking we need to complete the whole list.

During this episode we share personal stories, psychological insights, and practical strategies to manage overwhelm and foster kindness towards ourselves.

Tackling the hard things one step at a time with kindness towards yourself makes a significant difference. Resilience is built in small acts of compassion and realistic planning.

Key topics:

The complexity behind procrastinating on small but accumulative chores, like managing subscriptions or booking travel.

How cognitive load and emotional capacity influence our ability to tackle tasks.

We use the metaphor of a "bucket" to describe our mental capacity and how it's overwhelmed by stressors.

The role of self-compassion and kindness in overcoming feelings of shame and failure.

Practical strategies: breaking down tasks, scheduling focused time, and managing expectations.

The impact of age, technology, and environmental factors on our capacity to do hard things.

The importance of recognizing and sitting with discomfort rather than avoiding or resisting it.

The power of incremental action—doing one thing at a time—and the mental shift from urgency to kindness.

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore the complex nature of letting go of the past, the importance of boundaries, trust, and self-compassion. We talk about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. This can be a tricky one as we think that we ‘ought’ to just let go of things. And sometimes that is not in our best interests. We explore whether and when it’s ok to put in boundaries to protect ourself. We also discuss what happens when we hold on to a sense of things being better in the past and how that can affect our relationship with our present life.

We discuss practical ways to navigate emotional baggage, rebuild trust, and find balance between holding on and moving forward.

Key topics

Why we hold on to past hurts and memories

The role of the brain in emotional patterns

Boundaries and trust in relationships

The difference between forgive and forget

Practicing self-compassion and acceptance

The impact of nostalgia on present life

Techniques for letting go and closure

The importance of perspective shift

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode we explore why we often feel responsible for others' feelings, how boundaries influence our relationships, and discusses strategies for healthier communication and self-care, especially during times of change and grief.

We can find it hard to stick to our boundaries because we don’t want to upset other people. This can lead us to feeling that our needs don’t count and we can become frustrated, sad or even angry.

However, it can feel risky to change deeply ingrained habits - whether it’s saying no to family demands, setting limits on caring for others after grief, or navigating the complex dance of giving and receiving support. We don’t like to upset others. However we are responsible for our actions, but not how others respond to those actions. And this is important though difficult to remember when we are faced with the distress of others.

And generally it’s not an either/or choice, we can take care of our own feelings and also the feelings of others.

Key Topics

Why we feel responsible for others' feelings

The importance of boundaries in relationships

Communication strategies for boundary setting

Impact of grief and life changes on boundaries

Self-care and emotional regulation

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.