Feminine, masculine and androgynous characteristics are in every person. This is not a description of male versus female. Rather it is an acknowledgement that human personality has a broad spectrum of expression, and we might benefit greatly from better understanding of those parts of ourselves that dominate our personality and those parts that have remained undeveloped.

Cohosts Dee Kelley and Jim Shalley provide some pathways for understanding and growth. Here are some of the issues they cover.

1. Each person should use language that fits their journey. We provide some categories and labels for certain personality expressions, but feel free to use labels that make the most sense to you. Personalize it.

2. The masculine energy is about accomplishment, and the feminine energy is about relationships. The masculine side knows what needs to be said, the feminine side will tell you how to say it tactfully.

3. The blind spot of the masculine is that regardless of what it does to people, they are going to do it. The blind spot of the feminine is to postpone a decision because it is going to hurt someone.

4. The divisions in our individual lives are reflected in the divisions in our families. And the divisions in our families are reflected in the divisions of our culture. If we want the culture or world to heal, we must first do our own inner work.

5. STIR: Stabilizer / Transformer / Initiator / Responder. These are the four personality styles. Stabilizer is both a static energy and masculine expression. Transformer is both a dynamic energy and feminine expression. Initiator is both a dynamic energy and masculine expression. The Responder is both a static energy and feminine expression.

6. The Transformer and Stabilizer have a natural attraction. The Initiator and Responder have a natural attraction. The challenge is to realize that we are attracted to the undeveloped traits in ourselves. An important pathway of growth is to explore and nurture the undeveloped traits within.

7. Stay curious.

You can connect with the cohosts through their respective websites:

AFCCounselors.com (Dr. Shalley) / www.InYourDreams.Coach (Dr. Kelley)

This episode explores the dynamic and static components of our personality. Cohosts Dee Kelley and Jim Shalley provide useful examples of how these different styles complement one another and antagonize one another. Some of the key points include the following:

1. A dynamic energy or style is typically action-oriented, creating movement and change. A static energy or style organizes, puts systems in place and manages.

2. A person who has an overtly static personality will often come to therapy because of unhappiness. A person who has an overtly dynamic personality will typically come to therapy because they have screwed something up.

3. In the midst of a conflict, the dynamic energy wants to move forward, while the static energy wants to talk about the hurt.

4. “Stop and smell the roses” is the challenge for the dynamic personality style. The static personality is consumed with responsibility and predictability. The challenge for the static style is spontaneity. Everyone benefits from getting in touch with the “undeveloped side” of themselves.

5. What you find attractive in others often tells you what lacks development in yourself. Therefore, dynamic is often attracted to static, and static is often attracted to dynamic.

6. The integrated self balances the dynamic and static styles within.

7. One of the most important components of a healthy relationship is validation, which in many ways is a combination of trust and mutual respect.

8. In a relationship, consider shifting from an oppositional posture in your communication, to a posture where you intentionally learn from one another.

You can connect with the cohosts through their respective websites:

AFCCounselors.com (Dr. Shalley) / www.InYourDreams.Coach (Dr. Kelley)

The cohosts present the Stabilizer personality style, referred to as a static-masculine energy. Everyone has this within them. For some it is dormant and rarely accessed, and for others it is their dominant style. This style is discussed, both in its healthy form and in it dysfunctional form. It is also compared to the other three styles (Initiator, Transformer and Responder). Here are some of the key issues discussed.

1. What is your natural style and is it still working for you?

2. The healthy journey usually takes us to a balance between the different styles, and leads to the ability to draw on different energies or styles when the situation calls for them.

3. The “masculine” moniker does not refer to males. The Initiating energy can be dominant in any gender. The “static” moniker simply means that there is a tendency to organize and put systems in place rather than to be constantly innovating and moving toward action and accomplishment (the dynamic energy).

4. The dysfunctional Initiator can be dictatorial, and often misses out on other valuable viewpoints.

5. Do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship? This is the question the masculine energy should often ask of one’s self.

6. You are often more married to the trait that protects you from being hurt than you are to the person with whom you are in relationship.

7. When stress levels go up, we retreat to those patterns that are most familiar, even if they are dysfunctional.

8. Where do your protective mechanisms get formed? Usually in your family of origin.

You can connect with the cohosts through their respective websites:

AFCCounselors.com (Dr. Shalley) / www.InYourDreams.Coach (Dr. Kelley)

Episode three continues the discussion of our family of origin and its affects on our current relationships. Here are some of the key concepts and questions.

1. How did your parents handle emotions? (This is not about blaming anybody; it is just diagnostic.)

2. Do you see any similarities between how your parents handled emotions and how you handle emotions in your current relationships?

3. Each child is raised in a different family atmosphere. Therefore, siblings have different experiences; their observations and formation will be different.

4. There is a propensity for many to be attracted to, and marry, someone who is just like one of their parents.

5. Attraction is often formed by the characteristics of the parent with whom the person has the most unresolved issues.

6. We project the wound inside of us onto someone else, thinking that they will somehow heal our wound. However, we must do our own work.

7. The key to growth is conscious living; taking responsibility for all of who one is.

8. The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself.

9. Identifying those things that trigger an emotional response can be a helpful way to discover unresolved issues in one’s life.

You can connect with the cohosts through their respective websites:

AFCCounselors.com (Dr. Shalley) / www.InYourDreams.Coach (Dr. Kelley)

Episode two explores how our family of origin affects our adult relationships, particularly in how we handle our emotions. Below are some key ideas and questions considered by your cohosts, Dee Kelley and Jim Shalley.

1. First let’s consider that you are not in a bad marriage. Instead it might be things you don’t yet understand about your family of origin.

2. Consider your family of origin, and how, as a child, you formed attachments to your emotions (or didn’t form attachments).

3. We discuss the masculine and feminine energies that exist within all of us.

4. We look at the difference between how we present ourselves to others (our persona) and our true or best self.

5. When we are younger we develop patterns of coping that help us survive. Typically there comes a time when those patterns are no longer helpful or useful.

6. We don’t wish trauma on anyone, and the painful consequences of trauma must be validated. However, trauma can be the doorway through which one finds growth, greater health or a better place in relationships.

7. Exercise: List the effective and ineffective ways that emotions were handled in your family of origin. (List as many as you can.)

You can connect with the cohosts through their respective websites:

AFCCounselors.com (Dr. Shalley) / www.InYourDreams.Coach (Dr. Kelley)

This opening episode of the first season of Therapy, Coaching & Dreams (TCD), provides an introduction to therapy and life coaching. The cohosts provide answers to such questions as…

Why do people seek help?

What keeps people on the path of self exploration?

What is the difference between symptom relief versus dealing with core issues?

What is organizational coaching?

How does therapy and coaching normalize the issues we face?

What is a helpful model of personality? (Static/dynamic energy and feminine/masculine perspectives)

How do we begin the journey of finding balance?

You can connect with the cohosts through their respective websites:

AFCCounselors.com (Dr. Shalley) / www.InYourDreams.Coach (Dr. Kelley)