What happens to months of preparation when the race you trained for disappears?

Four months after double hernia surgery, I was in Oregon preparing to run the Oregon Cascades 100 when a wildfire triggered an email that shut down my plans.

Disappointed, I was left with an itch to run. A deep hunger to use my fitness and training.

I wanted adventure. I wanted purpose. So I created my own 100-mile run through the trails around Portland.

No race hub, crowds, race clock, or buckle. Just me, the trails, and a lot of time to question why I still needed to run 100 miles.

Music and sound effects used

Interesting, pensive guitar by AndreyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751605/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Andrey Psyche - F#m with frills by AndreyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/866039/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Monday Lookin Back Again by audiomirage -- https://freesound.org/s/577518/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

abstracted 0X50m by Setuniman -- https://freesound.org/s/171717/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Melancholy violin, piano by Ixwolf -- https://freesound.org/s/547076/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Emotional guitar music.mp3 by ZHRØ -- https://freesound.org/s/678388/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Sunny day with anxiety, guitar by AndreyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751615/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

street cars passing by-stereo.wav by tramontostudio -- https://freesound.org/s/266362/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Visit us at www.exploitsofanobody.com for photos, and episode deep dives.
Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

In 2020 when the Leadville 100 along with every other race was canceled due to COVID, I figured my season was over. Then an email arrived introducing a virtual challenge I couldn't ignore. Over the next ten weeks, I set out to gain 100,000 feet of elevation in one of the flattest places in America, Houston, Texas.

It sounded impossible. It looked ridiculous. And maybe it was.

Music in this episode

Melancholy woth slight resolve guitar by AndreyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751607/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

swell pad.wav by ERH -- https://freesound.org/s/34141/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Piano loops 203 octave long loop 120 bpm by josefpres -- https://freesound.org/s/845352/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Assasins creed kind of guitar by AndreyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751593/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Visit us at www.exploitsofanobody.com for photos, and episode deep dives.
Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

There’s one rule in ultra running: Do nothing new on race day.

At the Pedernales Falls 60k, I convinced myself that rule didn’t apply to me. One handheld bottle. No vest. Texas heat. A night race that I thought would get easier once the sun went down.

Instead, every small decision started stacking up.

What began as a simple training run slowly turned into one of the worst physical experiences I’ve ever had on a trail. Throwing up. Severe cramps. Hallucination-like sensations. And the realization that sometimes the race is already over long before you’re willing to admit it.

This is a story about heat, ego, dehydration, bad decisions, and the dangerous space between pushing through and ignoring what your body is trying to tell you.

Music used in this episode:

Assasins creed kind of guitar by AndreyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751593/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Foggy window view by Jim-Bretherick -- https://freesound.org/s/730265/
-- License: Creative Commons 0

FarmersMarket_1-2.aif by canetoad -- https://freesound.org/s/29924/
-- License: Attribution 4.0

swell pad.wav by ERH -- https://freesound.org/s/34141/
-- License: Attribution 4.0

Time Suspended Cinematic Drone by Mantice by bassimat -- https://freesound.org/s/854837/
-- License: Creative Commons 0

Stoic guitar by AndreyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751614/
-- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Follow me:
https://www.instagram.com/shutter_se7en

Visit us at www.exploitsofanobody.com for photos, and episode deep dives.
Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

I used to think that when I quit drinking for running, everything would change. It would look like growth. I’d become a better, stronger person… taking control of my life. And it would feel like progress.

One day I was looking at the finisher medals hanging on my wall, and I remembered another collection of finisher's medals I had chosen to forget. Three plastic, fake gold plates I had hidden in the garage after I quit drinking. I used to think they had nothing to do with each other. And when i realized they had more in common than I had thought, I was left wondering what to do with that.

I don’t think this is really about running. Or drinking. It’s something else.

To see photos of the plastic plates, my wall of finishers medals, and other photos visit my new web site: www.exploitsofanobody.com

Music and sound effects used in this episode:

acoustic guitar melody #011 by GuitarStringTheory -- https://freesound.org/s/735192/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

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wandering remix of excerpt of Tim Kahn's freesound #796235 by Timbre -- https://freesound.org/s/796818/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0
sanxm by tim.kahn -- https://freesound.org/s/796235/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

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Silent Hill inspired out of tune guitar by Destructo20 -- https://freesound.org/s/718498/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

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Heartbeats 61.wav by patobottos -- https://freesound.org/s/369017/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

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crowded bar chatter by leaving.february -- https://freesound.org/s/706352/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

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cinematic remix of audiomirage's freesound 547966.wav by Timbre -- https://freesound.org/s/548257/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

The-Sluth-714 by audiomirage -- https://freesound.org/s/547966/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

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Vintage Microwave Timer Bell Ring - 26 November ‎2011, ‏‎11:39:00 P.M. by crz1990 -- https://freesound.org/s/135873/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

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Midwestern style riff by Destructo20 -- https://freesound.org/s/647385/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

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Pinkish remix of ChristmasKrumble666's freesound 825397 by Timbre -- https://freesound.org/s/826863/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

TC Birthday Song.wav by ChristmasKrumble666 -- https://freesound.org/s/825397/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Visit us at www.exploitsofanobody.com for photos, and episode deep dives.
Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

Signing up for the Big Bend 100K, I daydreamed about finishing faster, about racing. For years I battled the voices in my head, perfection, and the habit of settling for just finishing. This time something shifted.

This isn’t a story of redemption. It’s a story about what happens when the pieces finally come together — and you let it happen.

Music and sound effects used in this episode:

Stoic guitar by AndreyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751614/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Sick guitar dissonat withh airy vox by AndreyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751612/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Crowd_Cheering.wav by ken788 -- https://freesound.org/s/386762/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Piano loops 203 octave long loop 120 bpm by josefpres -- https://freesound.org/s/845352/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Donkey braying.wav by LeandiViljoen -- https://freesound.org/s/502081/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 3.0Small group talking at lunch.m4a by guyburns -- https://freesound.org/s/434596/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

WHICH WAY (ON THE VERGE) by MadGravityStudio -- https://freesound.org/s/749383/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Everybody Has a Story (pensive cello & choir) by SondreDrakensson -- https://freesound.org/s/749371/ -- License: Attribution 4.0555723

Visit us at www.exploitsofanobody.com for photos, and episode deep dives.
Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

What if pain isn’t a warning to stop? What if it’s a doorway? A way of stripping away everything we don’t need, the doubt, the shame, the critic? Until all that’s left is the truth: I can keep going. Even when I think I can’t.

Stagecoach 100 was a point-to-point ultra that stripped away everything except the truth I didn’t know I was looking for. It left me with questions I can’t shake:

What happens when the pain gets louder than the critic? What’s left of us when ego is gone?

I’m still trying to understand what I found out there.

Come with me into the dark and the dust to see what remains when everything else falls away.

visit my instagram page to see photos from the race: https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

Music/sound effects in this episode:

construction metal lumber.wav by cognito perceptu -- https://freesound.org/s/32734/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

outdoor_party.wav by isohoo -- https://freesound.org/s/503156/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Heater.mp3 by bmusic92 -- https://freesound.org/s/232919/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Wind blowing and howling in an antenna and its wire on the top of the chilean cliff. by felix.blume -- https://freesound.org/s/147599/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

4000 Hz beeps by AlaskaRobotics -- https://freesound.org/s/221085/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Crowd Cheer.wav by deleted_user_2104797 -- https://freesound.org/s/324892/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Interesting, pensive guitar by AlmightyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751605/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

cowbell3 by Azvinz -- https://freesound.org/s/506134/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Visit us at www.exploitsofanobody.com for photos, and episode deep dives.
Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

The messy middle isn’t just pain on the trail. It’s the storm we all try to shortcut. In this episode I dig into the temptation of hacks, pills, and perfection. From chasing sobriety with medication, to chasing races with training plans and calorie cuts, I kept looking for the magic pill that would silence the beast.

But shortcuts don’t conquer it. They just make it hungrier.

This isn’t a polished success story. It’s relapse, shame, perfectionism, weight obsession, and the ugly parts no one shares out loud. If you’ve ever asked “why isn’t this working?” or wondered if you’re the only one drowning in the middle — this one’s for you.

Addiction, mental health, and crisis support

• SAMHSA’s National Helpline (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)
  1-800-662-HELP (4357)
  Free, confidential treatment referral and information service available 24/7 in English and Spanish.
  
  
• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
  Find a meeting near you: https://www.aa.org/
  
  
• SMART Recovery
  Provides support groups and resources for those overcoming addiction: https://www.smartrecovery.org/

Mental Health and Depression Support

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (now 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
  Dial 988 for 24/7, free, and confidential support for individuals in distress.
• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
  Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
  Website: https://www.nami.org/

Eating Disorder Support

• National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA)
  Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
  Online chat support: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
• Overeaters Anonymous
  Find support for food-related behaviors and patterns: https://oa.org/

General Crisis Support

• Crisis Text Line
  Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor in the U.S.
• Veterans Crisis Line
  Dial 988 and press 1, or text 838255 for specialized support for veterans.

Music used in this episode

Sadness cosmo.mp3 by Bruno_ph -- https://freesound.org/s/109409/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

heart beat increasing 116642.wav by klankbeeld -- https://freesound.org/s/181805/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Type 2 Sad Violin Piano Music High by rahulsawla_ -- https://freesound.org/s/759032/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Emotional Dramatic Piano for Sad Moments by LolaMoore -- https://freesound.org/s/759785/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/

Visit us at www.exploitsofanobody.com for photos, and episode deep dives.
Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

What we listen to while we run says something. Music can be a painkiller, a punch in the gut, and a time machine all at once. Sometimes it’s noise, and worst of all, a crutch.
This episode is made up of songs, stories, and one quiet truth:
Music is powerful. How we choose to use it can make all the difference.

Here's my Spotify playlist, 'Hold Fast and Run like You own it.'

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0vixdeIiXK7dcfv7FLkBEy?si=88e730acd51d430c

The list is arranged where the first 20 songs are hard hitting songs that get me through the dark times, and the pain. They include the songs referenced in this episode.

Music used in this episode

Metal Band Jam 5 Thrash .wav by RutgerMuller -- https://freesound.org/s/50741/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Metal Band Jam 6 Midtempo Hardcore.wav by RutgerMuller -- https://freesound.org/s/50742/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Visit us at www.exploitsofanobody.com for photos, and episode deep dives.
Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en