At DYM we coach husbands and wives to transform their marriage even if only one does the work, but we encourage the husbands to go first.

With love,
The Delight Your Marriage Team

Originally shared as Episode 325.
(Ai helped summarize this podcast & shownotes)

PS - Want more insight into the health of your marriage? Take our free Marital Health Assessment to find out your Marital Health score.

PPS - Ready to start your healing journey? Schedule a free Clarity Call and see if our programs are the right fit for you.

PPPS - Here is a quote from a recent Academy program graduate:
"My wife and I have been separated for 6 months, and the same day as our Academy graduation, she chose to and began moving back into our matrimonial home. I also told her about our Academy program that same day. Up until then, I had said I was attending a men's bible study. All praise be to God."

Jesus Was Kind, but He Didn't Care. Until...

Ben planned a date night by the pool. Charcuterie board, music, the whole thing.

And that night his wife told him: "If you don't change, I'm leaving."

Married 24 years. Four kids. A business owner who casts limestone mantles and is in his shop by 5:15 every morning. A man's man. On one of his first calls he told me, (amongst explitives) "I've never even apologized in my life... I don't know how to do this."

But Ben looked around and believed, his kids are worth it. His family's worth it. God is worth it.

This week he's on the podcast, and he said something I hope husbands stop and think about:

"She just wants me to be kind, and I'm like, 'You know what? For me to be kind, I have to care.' And for most of my life, I didn't care... And that's not a loving Savior."

Ben's view of God shifted from a harsh God who is just there to discipline and not much else, to Jesus, who is kind. And then his marriage started to change.

Christian marriage transformation became real for Ben when his wife told him something had to change.

In this episode you'll hear:

How a hard childhood taught him to shut down and walk away
Why he finally understood what she meant by "You don't make me feel safe" and how that blocked everything
Why he went through the program twice, and what finally broke through
His blunt advice for the man who's where he was

Today? They're 180 degree different and they're completely different, because of his transformation.

Husband, you're the leader. When you change, everything in your marriage and family changes.

If you're thinking, "Belah, I don't need the episode. I need the coaching," we'd love to help. delightyourmarriage.com/cc

At DYM we coach husbands and wives to transform their marriage even if only one does the work, but we encourage the husbands to go first.

Blessings,

Belah

PS - Want more insight into the health of your marriage? Take our free Marital Health Assessment to find out your Marital Health score.

PPS - Ready to start your healing journey? Schedule a free Clarity Call and see if our programs are the right fit for you.

PPPS - Here is what (another) recent Coaching Graduate had to say: [before coaching], "I felt like I was living a lie, didn't like my husband yet I didn't really believe in divorce and didn't want the consequences of how that would affect our family. I suffer from abandonment issues and felt like I was abandoned especially in my marriage. I had Extreme Loneliness, felt unfulfilled, disappointment, resentment, always questioning God "why would you choose this for me" , "why cant you just fix this." [after coaching], "I never saw myself as a controlling nag, I just saw myself with the unlucky draw of a husband who thought only of himself. Now I feel like I won the lottery."

He thought his wife was the problem. A lawnmower ride changed everything.

Zack was frustrated. Confused. Married 22 years with four kids, no big crisis, no infidelity, no blowups. Just a slow, quiet drift that left him on his mower wondering, "Does my wife really love me?"

She kept saying, "I don't feel emotionally connected to you." He had no idea what that even meant. And she couldn't really put words to it either. So it just sat there. This unnamed thing between them.

He started searching. Podcasts. Resources. Most weren't Christian-based. Then he asked AI for the best Christian marriage shows and DYM came up top three. He started listening on the mower and something hit him: "How does this lady know what men want and what men are thinking? She's in my brain."

So naturally, he started sending episodes to Kim. Translation: "Hopefully this lady will fix you."

He'll tell you that himself. He signed up for the program thinking it would change his wife. But God had a very different plan.

Zack went from frustrated and confused to a man who knows how to love his wife well, lead spiritually, and stay connected. He's staying in the graduate program because he found real brotherhood and he doesn't want to go back to who he was.

Zach's Christian marriage transformation began when he realized the biggest change his marriage needed might need to start with him.

If you're on your mower right now (or some other place), feeling that disconnect and wondering if things can actually change: they can. But it starts with you. delightyourmarriage.com/cc

At DYM we coach husbands and wives to transform their marriage even if only one does the work, but we encourage the husbands to go first.

Blessings,

Belah

PS - Want more insight into the health of your marriage? Take our free Marital Health Assessment to find out your Marital Health score.

PPS - Ready to start your healing journey? Schedule a free Clarity Call and see if our programs are the right fit for you.

PPPS - Here is what (another) recent Coaching Graduate had to say: [before coaching], "Feeling disconnected/lonely at times. Things were good in general but it felt like if we were on autopilot. There was emotional pain/hurt, feeling dissatisfied even though there is and was a lot to be grateful for." [after coaching] "I'm more grateful, closer connected to God, less defensive and more tender with my lovely wife. On one hand the personal growth in becoming the man God wants me to be (as a husband and father). On the other hand the various delights that I gifted my wife (big and small, like parasailing in Italy, a night away together to celebrate our 12-year anniversary, lots of family activities). My wife expressing her gratitude."

Unified in Future Planning for Your Marriage: Interview with Brad and Deidre King

Brad's a financial planner. Spreadsheets, formulas, five-year plans. That's his world.

Deidre? Her life goal at 18 was to marry Brad. Done. Next dream? Mission field. Adoption. A farm. Big, wild, beautiful dreams...

You can imagine the tension.

He's thinking: "Is this just a dream, or am I actually supposed to take action on this?"

She's thinking: "Don't you dare kill this dream."

But here's what happened over 25 years of marriage: Brad learned to put feet to Deidre's dreams. And Deidre learned to appreciate the power of a plan. Together, they adopted three kids from Guatemala and Ethiopia, built a farm, and launched two businesses that serve people through financial planning and life planning.

The secret? They learned to see each other's strengths instead of criticizing each other's gaps. Deidre has a core value of generosity. Brad has a core value of stewardship. The enemy would love to make her see him as stingy and him see her as wasteful. But when you name those values and honor them? You multiply your kingdom impact.

This week's episode is a conversation with Brad and Deidre King, and honestly, it might be one you listen to with your wife. It's about getting on the same page with finances, with dreams, with purpose, and with God's plan for your family.

One more thing Brad said that I love: "God, what do you want me to know about this situation? And what do you want me to do about it?" Two questions. Every day. That's the balance between planning through just our flesh/skill/effort even our gifting, and walking out your gifting by the Spirit.

If you're ready to get your marriage aligned and moving in the same direction, we can help. delightyourmarriage.com/cc

DYM coaches husbands and wives to transform their marriage even if only one does the work -- but we encourage the husbands to go first.

Blessings,

Belah

God bless,

DYM Team

(AI helped write and summarize Belah's podcast's content)

PS - Want more insight into the health of your marriage? Take our free Marital Health Assessment to find out your Marital Health score.

PPS - Ready to start your healing journey? Schedule a free Clarity Call and see if our programs are the right fit for you.

PPPS -Here is what (another) recent Coaching Graduate had to say: [before coaching], "My wife and I struggled to get along, have normal conversation (Planning, catching up, connecting) without it leading to an argument. We were so intimately disconnected that it led to months of no sexual intimacy or a desire for sex from her. We went over a year without sex and it was so painful. We constantly fought about any and everything."[after coaching] "One of the greatest celebrations has been having sex again! And enjoying it! We have sex at least once a week and it has been so wonderful. It is intimate and we are growing in knowing each other in new ways."

I talk to men every single week often they tell me their good intentions: "She was in pain and I was there. I was present."

And I have to applaud them, because that's certainly a win! But I do want to encourage them that presence without words is not enough.

Your silence when she's hurting isn't neutral. Unfortunately, it can feel like you don't care. She may even worry that you're judging her. Sadly, she may even feel that her heart doesn't matter to you.

I don't think that's what you mean. I think you may just not know what to say. It can feel awkward and risky and you don't want to look stupid.

But here's the thing: Jesus wasn't silent. He spoke. He served people with His words. Not to perform. Not to impress. To help them.

So here are the words I often invite men to say. It might be worth you writing these down:

"Honey, how are you feeling?"
"That seems really hard. How are you doing?"
"Is there anything you want to share?"

Yes, it'll feel awkward. Yes, she might not respond the way you hope. But what you just communicated is: I care about your heart.

Do it again next week. And the week after. It compounds.

And if you've been wrong, don't just change the behavior. Use words -- don't be silent. I encourage you to apologize. And I invite you to be specific. Own it.

Character is revealed more by what you repent of -- even than what you do (Dallas Willard).

Silence after conviction isn't golden. It can actually be cowardice wearing a mask. I know I've been there more than I'd like to admit.

Listen to this week's episode. Then, say words to show you care.

And if you're a graduate ready to get back in the game, Proactive launches with a special graduate kickoff. Discounted price disappears September 10th.

Brand new? delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Blessings,
DYM Team
(we used ai to summarize her podcast)

PS - Want more insight into the health of your marriage? Take our free Marital Health Assessment to find out your Marital Health score.

PPS - Ready to start your healing journey? Schedule a free Clarity Call and see if our programs are the right fit for you.

PPPS - Here is what (another) recent Coaching Graduate had to say:
[before coaching], "My wife would punch her card occasionally thinking it was her duty to perform, which made it worse for both of us. We had slowly lost connection and focus on one another. Life including family, work and ministry took focus on our time and our lives. We were doing everything for everybody else and found ourselves absent of time for each other."[after coaching] "Awareness, understanding, joy, health, compassion, intimacy and godliness
Growth of myself and our relationship. Seeing the beauty in my bride. Pursuing it with vigor and not worrying about vulnerability and getting shot down. The program in itself was a major celebration."

I was on the phone with a friend the other day, crying over a broken promise. Someone I trusted deeply said they'd do something significant, and after many assurances, they didn't.

So yeah. I cried.

And my friend let me. She didn't rush me. She didn't fix me. She just held space.

But here's the thing: I didn't stay there.

A mutual friend, a previous client, had said something really powerful about me. And I thought, if he sees that in me, I'm not going to sit here and wallow. I got up and went to the gym.

Feel your feelings. Then get up and grow.

That's what I'm talking about in this week's episode. Because I think a lot of us, especially men who are going through hard things in marriage, either stuff the feelings down (which rots you from the inside) or stay stuck in victim mode (which makes you completely unproductive).

Neither is Jesus' way.

He cried. He was moved to compassion. He wasn't afraid of His feelings. But He didn't let them dictate His wisdom, His choices, or His values.

The Bible says: "Get angry, but don't sin."

Paul said from prison: "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice."

If he can say that in chains, you and I can say it in our context too.

Listen to this week's episode and then do this: Write down the habits that are hard for you. Not the easy ones, those are already on autopilot. The hard ones. Put them on your fridge. Let your family see you push yourself. Be humble. Be a role model. Be a gangster.

And if you need some people in your corner to help you get there, that's exactly what we built Proactive for. It's our brand new accountability cohort, launching now for graduates, cart closes September 10th.

You're more than a victor in Christ. Now walk in it.

Belah Rose

PS - Want more insight into the health of your marriage? Take our free Marital Health Assessment to find out your Marital Health score.

PPS - Ready to start your healing journey? Schedule a free Clarity Call and see if our programs are the right fit for you.

PPPS - Here is what (another) recent Coaching Graduate had to say: [before coaching], "Coming into the program I was in a spiral of self-loathing, disappointment in myself and my marriage, feeling unloved, and having serious doubts about whether my journey should include my wife any longer. I was unhappy and probably put myself into a self-induced depression." [after coaching] "I am now much more mindful that God wants me to be more attractive to my wife inside and out. It is on me to have the discipline to make that real. I have the freedom, power, and gifts of abilities from him to do this."