Do you really need to turn towards your partner all the time?

We’re told that good relationships are built on closeness. Turn towards each other. Share your feelings. Let your partner be your safe haven. Hold each other tighter.

And, obviously, there’s a lot of truth in that.

But what if we’ve taken it too far?

In this episode, Matt and Graham make the case for space — and why wanting time alone, privacy, independence or the company of other people doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with your relationship.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is turn towards your partner.

Sometimes it’s to turn away.

And knowing the difference might be more important than we think.

We talk about intimacy, dependency, independence, friendship, family, positive emotions, introspection — and why some perfectly healthy relationship behaviours get pathologised simply because they don’t fit the usual story about what a “good couple” looks like.

Because being close to someone doesn’t mean you have to do everything with them.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

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We worry we sometimes confuse our listeners with mixed messages.

We say: don't be a jerk. Don't sweat the small stuff. Bite you tongue unless something really matters. Be careful not to endlessly whine and moan at your partner.

We also say: when something bothers you, speak up early, do it directly but without heat, and ask for what you want.

What do we really mean? And how do you make your way through this tricky terrain?

All this and more in this episode.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

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Matt thinks everything can be boiled down to ABC. Acknowledge. Build. Counter. It fits the bill for the argument about household chores. It fits the bill for the difficult conversation about whether to send the kids to private school. It fits the bill for a lovely, positive conversation about holiday destinations.

Graham is more sceptical. Can such a simple, slightly artificial formula genuinely offer a model for pretty much every conversation between two grown adults? As you'll hear, by the end of the episode, he's come around to everything being as easy as ABC.

We also discussed two other formulas in the episode. The Gottmans' X, Y, Z model and Marc Brackett's RULER model for emotional regulation.

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You can work with Graham here.

You can work with Matt here.

It's Episode 50!

To celebrate, we're shining a sceptical spotlight on the age-old trope of blaming the parents (especially the mum).

It's a familiar story in psychology literature. Bad parenting causes schizophrenia. Bad parenting causes depression. Bad parenting causes insecure attachment. Bad parenting maybe even causes autism.

What's the truth behind the claims? And even where there are nuggets of truth, what can you do to take responsibility of your own future and improve your relationships?

You can work with Graham at www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt at www.matwotton.com

Leave us a review, subscribe, and share the pod with your friends and family if you like what we're doing.

Here's to the next 50 episodes!

We like to think of ourselves - and our relationships - as complex. Surely if we're bright, capable, successful people with relationship problems, those problems must be multi-faceted and sophisticated. Maybe it's due to our attachment styles and complicated personal histories?

Matt and Graham argue that, in a lot of cases, simple changes in behaviours transform relationships.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

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When distress shows up in a relationship, should I turn towards you or should I learn to tolerate it myself?

The question many ask in relationships - and are encouraged by the world of couples therapy to ask - is: ‘can I count on you to be there when I'm struggling?’ This worldview sees the problem as disconnection, with the prescription being connection, emotional and physical.

“Talk about your feelings.”

“Be vulnerable.”

“Express your needs.”

“Co-regulate.”

But, maybe this has got things the wrong way around. Maybe becoming overly dependent on your partner’s approval, agreement, validation or emotional state isn't healthy. Maybe you're more likely to lose sexual desire for someone you have to constantly prop up (or is constantly propping you up). Maybe the task to tolerate your own distress without demanding your partner fix it; not to connect more, but to tolerate discomfort without controlling or manipulating the other.

Matt and Graham explore these difficult questions in today's episode.

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You can work with Graham here: https://www.grahamjohnston.uk/

You can work with Matt here: https://www.matwotton.com/

Logic, emotional detachment, quick decisions, a problem-solving mindset - all very useful much of the time in the workplace.

But are those same skills, when seen as the go-to set of skills at home too often, a handicap against excellent relationships?

After all, we're often told that relationships require curiousity, emotional engagement, patience, a prioritising of feelings over solutions.

Matt & Graham delve into these issues in today's episodes, with some disagreement along the way.

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You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk.

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com.

And you can contact the pod at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com.

You’re told to find the right person and everything else falls into place. Popular culture sells the same script: meet “the one”, and the hard part is done.

Anyone who has stayed in a long-term relationship knows otherwise.

The appeal is obvious. The compatibility story lets you off the hook. If it works, you chose well. If it fails, you weren’t right for each other. It also saves you from a harder truth: You drifted, took things for granted, let standards slip, and became harder to live with.

Compatibility still matters. It’s easier to build a life with someone who broadly agrees on money, work, family, and how to raise children. But this is a starting condition, not a sustaining force.

In today's episode, Matt and Graham argue that long-term relationship success turns on behaviour, not initial fit. What matters are small, repeatable actions—tone, reliability, thoughtfulness, taking your partner’s perspective, and repair (the ability to say "sorry" and mean it).

Their blogpost is available to read on Psychology Today here.

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