Do you really need to turn towards your partner all the time?

We’re told that good relationships are built on closeness. Turn towards each other. Share your feelings. Let your partner be your safe haven. Hold each other tighter.

And, obviously, there’s a lot of truth in that.

But what if we’ve taken it too far?

In this episode, Matt and Graham make the case for space — and why wanting time alone, privacy, independence or the company of other people doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with your relationship.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is turn towards your partner.

Sometimes it’s to turn away.

And knowing the difference might be more important than we think.

We talk about intimacy, dependency, independence, friendship, family, positive emotions, introspection — and why some perfectly healthy relationship behaviours get pathologised simply because they don’t fit the usual story about what a “good couple” looks like.

Because being close to someone doesn’t mean you have to do everything with them.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

Leave us a review if you like what we're doing with the pod. It really helps other people find it and enjoy it.

We worry we sometimes confuse our listeners with mixed messages.

We say: don't be a jerk. Don't sweat the small stuff. Bite you tongue unless something really matters. Be careful not to endlessly whine and moan at your partner.

We also say: when something bothers you, speak up early, do it directly but without heat, and ask for what you want.

What do we really mean? And how do you make your way through this tricky terrain?

All this and more in this episode.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com

Subscribe and leave us a review if you like what we're doing with the podcast.

Matt thinks everything can be boiled down to ABC. Acknowledge. Build. Counter. It fits the bill for the argument about household chores. It fits the bill for the difficult conversation about whether to send the kids to private school. It fits the bill for a lovely, positive conversation about holiday destinations.

Graham is more sceptical. Can such a simple, slightly artificial formula genuinely offer a model for pretty much every conversation between two grown adults? As you'll hear, by the end of the episode, he's come around to everything being as easy as ABC.

We also discussed two other formulas in the episode. The Gottmans' X, Y, Z model and Marc Brackett's RULER model for emotional regulation.

Subscribe and leave a review if you love what we're doing with the podcast!

You can work with Graham here.

You can work with Matt here.