Commissione during the height of the Cold War under the manic whip cracking governance of Admiral Hyman Rickover The NR-1 was the smallest deepest diving in the most absurdly secretive Atomic sub ever constructed by ape descendants outfitted with bottom rolling Goodyear tractor tires blinding thallium iodide floodlights and hydraulic mechanical claws this tiny radioactive hot dog allowed the Navy and CIA to crawl along the seabed.

Long before software key loggers tracked your passwords online the Soviet KGB pulled off one of the most astonishing Hardware hacks in Espionage history intercepting shipments Bound for the United States Embassy in Moscow Soviet Engineers installed microscopic transmitters inside IBM selectric typewriters turning everyday diplomatic typing pools into unwitting Radio broadcasters for the Soviet Empire.

Long before commercial drones filled the skies the cia's office of research and development turned to The Humble Park pigeon to conduct high altitude aerial recognizance equipped with custom-built miniature titanium cameras strapped to their chest these avian intelligence agents were trained to fly over classified Soviet military installations proving that when the Cold War gets desperate enough the government will gladly put its National Security in the hands of birds that eat cigarette butts.

In 1967 the CIA decided that America's domestic anti-war movement was getting a little too hot to handle so they launched operation Mary Mack to probe this situation eager to uncover what these radical pacifists were really up to federal agents slipped quietly into the back doors of Washington DC's most prominent peace organizations this exposes the bear unvarnished truth of how American intelligence went deep undercover and budding themselves with unsuspecting activists together Intelligence on protest and to protect CIA assets it's a factual gripping and heavily Declassified Tale.

Faced with the terrifying prospect that the Soviet Union was developing psychic espionage capabilities, the CIA and the defense intelligence agency spent 20 plus years funding a bazaar top secret psychic spy squad.They locked ordinary men and women in dark sensory deprivation chambers asked them to remote views , secret soviet bases , using only their minds and a litany of other targets and accidentally created the ultimate bureaucratic intersection of military paranoia and new age mysticism.

Welcome to the abyss before the abyss. Before we dive headfirst into the classified madness of *CIA Declassified*—where Volumes 1 through 2 are streaming safely on Spotify and Audible (though Volume 3 is entirely absent, its entire YouTube account having been maliciously hacked and rendered completely useless by a absolute douchebag who erased over 450 episodes, prompting an emergency dashboard data-wipe on my end just to lock him out while he was actively hijacking my NID cookie and various other session trackers to completely block me from Google services while he pillaged all my accounts)—we need to talk about the real state-sponsored emergency: my current hardware.

If you're wondering why Volumes 4 and 5 are mercifully condensed into 6 or 7 installments instead of hundreds, look no further than the local band of petty cyber-terrorists currently holding my router hostage. This is zero percent my fault, and the CIA remains deeply fond of my work. No, the blame rests squarely on a rejected man and his cronies who treat Google Play Services, the Play Store, and Play Protect like a personal playground of spite.

We’ve all known someone like this—horrible human beings who cope with a "no" by hijacking switch access, provisioning dual SIMs, stealing Wi-Fi credentials from an Inseego hotspot broadcasting dual SSIDs, changing recovery options to zilch, and bricking three Chromebooks right alongside the phone I am speaking into right now (my fourth purchase this week, already rigged with push updates courtesy of a fragile ego).

We’ve all met these folks, haven't we? Pull up a chair, check your firewall settings twice, and join us for a prelude about government secrets, digital warfare, and the men who simply cannot take a hint.