Welcome to the abyss before the abyss. Before we dive headfirst into the classified madness of *CIA Declassified*—where Volumes 1 through 2 are streaming safely on Spotify and Audible (though Volume 3 is entirely absent, its entire YouTube account having been maliciously hacked and rendered completely useless by a absolute douchebag who erased over 450 episodes, prompting an emergency dashboard data-wipe on my end just to lock him out while he was actively hijacking my NID cookie and various other session trackers to completely block me from Google services while he pillaged all my accounts)—we need to talk about the real state-sponsored emergency: my current hardware.

If you're wondering why Volumes 4 and 5 are mercifully condensed into 6 or 7 installments instead of hundreds, look no further than the local band of petty cyber-terrorists currently holding my router hostage. This is zero percent my fault, and the CIA remains deeply fond of my work. No, the blame rests squarely on a rejected man and his cronies who treat Google Play Services, the Play Store, and Play Protect like a personal playground of spite.

We’ve all known someone like this—horrible human beings who cope with a "no" by hijacking switch access, provisioning dual SIMs, stealing Wi-Fi credentials from an Inseego hotspot broadcasting dual SSIDs, changing recovery options to zilch, and bricking three Chromebooks right alongside the phone I am speaking into right now (my fourth purchase this week, already rigged with push updates courtesy of a fragile ego).

We’ve all met these folks, haven't we? Pull up a chair, check your firewall settings twice, and join us for a prelude about government secrets, digital warfare, and the men who simply cannot take a hint.