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This is a short guide pertaining to dating online. It contains tips and advice.

As time runs down for the players trapped by the evil Lich-Lord in the hyper-realistic MMORPG Fantasy Realms Online, Kromgorn the Barbarian is still stuck playing as the gorgeous, pleasure-fueled Lacey the Courtesan, a character designed to level fastest when she’s getting busy with every NPC in sight. The action is hot, the stakes are high, and Lacey will need to pull out every skill she can muster if she wants to win the day.

Beep. I'll have to do something. My love life is like the Sahara - dry, barren, and waiting for rain to fall so it can bloom. Beep. So my pal suggested online dating, and now I'm feeling like the most desired woman in the world. My laptop keeps announcing amorous messages all day and all night. Beep, beep, beep - my clarion call of love. Beep. Hold on a minute, new message coming in. Oh no, what the beep is that? There are some real weirdos in this dating world.

Die Hausfrau heutzutage ist auch nicht mehr das, was sie mal war. Da werden nur noch Tiefkühlpizzen aufgewärmt und wie man Fenster richtig putzt, das weiß keine. Ganz im Gegensatz zu unserer Online-Omi: "Ich schamponiere gerade die Teppichfransen ein, damit sie wieder schön weiß werden. Derweil der Schaum einzieht, mache ich mal den Hefeteig." Und: "Ein Stich Butter muss immer ran ans Gemüse, sonst kann der Körper die Fittamine gar nicht verarbeiten."

This just in from The Onion, America's finest news source.