During my 5 brutal years of insomnia, I spent months thinking there must be something seriously wrong with me.

And at 3 am, the voice in my head was not nice. “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just sleep like everybody else? Everyone else can do this.”

I thought being tough on myself would help. Like if I pushed hard enough, I would finally get it right.

It did the opposite.

Why being hard on yourself keeps you awake

Research across 48 studies found that people who are hard on themselves have more anxiety and more depression. It doesn’t make you stronger. It just makes the night harder.

And here’s the part that matters for sleep. When you talk to yourself like that, your brain reads it as one more threat. The part of your brain that looks for danger gets more active.

That’s the alarm in your brain. And that alarm is the exact thing keeping you awake at night.

So every time I called myself broken at 3 am, I was feeding the alarm that was causing my insomnia in the first place.

Research also shows the other side. Being kind to yourself calms that same part of the brain down. So being kind to yourself during insomnia is one of the most practical things you can do for your sleep.

Insomnia is not your fault

Here’s how it usually starts. A few weeks of stress you barely noticed. Some bad news. Even a cold that gave you a couple of rough nights.

Then you start worrying about sleep. The worry keeps the alarm on. You sleep worse, so you worry more. And before you know it, you’re stuck in a vicious cycle.

Anyone in that cycle would be struggling. It has nothing to do with being weak. Your brain learned to treat the night as a threat, and that’s all that happened.

Everybody thinks their insomnia is unique at first. I thought the same about my own insomnia for 5 brutal years. But the pattern is always the same.

And a fear your brain learned, it can also unlearn. I’m living proof of that, and so are the hundreds of people I’ve coached.

Try this: talk to yourself like a friend

Think about a rough night you had recently. Probably even last night? The worry, the anger, the feeling that you’re failing.

Now picture a good friend coming to you and telling you they’re going through the exact same thing. You know how it feels, because you’ve been there.

What would you say to them?

You wouldn’t say,

“What’s wrong with you? Just relax and sleep.

You’d probably say something like,

“I get it. This is really hard. You’re going to be okay.

Now say those same words to yourself. Close your eyes, think of your own rough night, and give yourself the care youd give your friend.

It’s going to feel weird at first. For most of us, being hard on ourselves is automatic, and being kind to ourselves is new. That’s normal. It gets easier the more you practice.

What this does for your sleep

Being kind to yourself doesn’t make the rough nights disappear. Youre still tired. It still sucks.

But it takes away the extra layer of pain you were adding on top. All the blame, all the whats wrong with me.” That’s dirty pain, and it only keeps the alarm going.

When your brain stops hearing a threat from you, the alarm has one less reason to stay on. And once that alarm comes down, sleep comes back on its own.

So tonight, when you catch that voice, stop and ask yourself one question. What would I say to a friend right now? Then say that to yourself.

If you want my personal help ending insomnia, start a 7-day FREE trial of the End Insomnia Program on Skool and recover within 12 months or get a full refund 👇

Start Your 7-Day FREE Trial on Skool

To peaceful sleep,

Ivo at End Insomnia

Why should you listen to me?

I recovered from insomnia after 5 brutal years of suffering. I've now coached 100s like you to end their insomnia for good, 100% naturally, by fixing the root cause: hyper-arousal.