Recently I have felt nothing when I am painting and creating posts. Part of it, I believe, is sleep deprivation. But I think another part of it is the disillusionment I experience whenever my creative endeavors don’t produce the results I want. The difference between this time and others is that I know, for me, lack of emotion does not mean I am unfulfilled or unhappy with my actions. So I keep painting and typing.

Pictured here: Part of my keyboard case, my keyboard, and my mouse on my desk.

Each canvas I hang up— no surprise— expands my view of my office. I recently removed my “doctorate” and replaced it with a couple pages from the Codependent No More workbook I’m slowly reading. These small, weekly-ish changes haven’t made me more interesting to news outlets or helped me pay a bill. But they have brought smiles to my face and repeated senses of peace and contentment. Every single time I see my pink gaming chair and pink standing desk, I feel more at home in this room.

Pictured here: My iPad, little Bluetooth earbuds, and my mirror with me and my phone in the mirror.

I once spoke with a music producer who, when I told him I wanted my main career to be a singer, told me it can be a good thing to not have music as my full time job. I was upset at the time, but now I understand a bit more what he means. There is no ideal job. It’s unrealistic to think that if I could earn a living doing xyz then I would never have stress or financial concerns or a schedule that doesn’t over- or underwhelm me. And every day I work on a painting, post a Short or edit a post is one I get to delight in the thing for itself and what joy it brings me (and hopefully you, too).

Picture he: My painting on the floor, Grey’s gray.

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When I tell you ideas for these paintings started flowing like water breaking through a dam and I was SO proud of myself. A new-to-me color scheme!? Look at me doing something innovative. Differently shaped canvas? Yes, exactly what will help this piece be unique— not just to my office, but maybe even compared to what anyone else has done.

SO I’m sure you can picture my shocked response as I stared at the oval canvas covered in pastel colors… How did I not realized I was imagining an EASTER EGG?!

Pictured here: A swatch of lavender, blue-ish, green, yellow pastel-ish colors.

After trying to fix this, giving up and giving in, then considering painting over it, I remembered that it’s better to let the canvas sit and come back tomorrow. And in between those two days, I remembered a poem I wrote as I was preparing to move to Chicago.

Pictured here: The original paper that I used to title my painting Ohio Shared With Me A Goodbye.

I felt Ohio share with me a goodbye:

A reminder of my Granny’s perfume.

A memory of one Easter Sunday

In her brightly lit living room.

Ohio spoke on a breeze that followed

On one of my evening strolls.

In the music from a neighbor’s car,

From the moon as he shined “Hello”.

I sensed the people I had met

From age 5 to 32.

I felt them between my gut and my chest

Standing in this outside room.

We all shared a silence together

(Which is something I always crave).

This was both a gift from Time

And from God, a moment of grace.

“I love you,” Ohio whispered once.

My quick reply: “I love you, too”.

For the first time in 27 years

I felt my soul, in her presence, bloom.

“I’ll be back,” I told Ohio

“We don’t need to say goodbye.”

But she reminded me how significant moments

Deserve marking and quiet.

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Did you know there are black canvases? I remember seeing them years ago in Hobby Lobby, and again recently at Michaels. But for whatever reason I wanted to paint a white one black, so that’s what I did.

Pictured here: 2Twoof my paint brushes.

Is there clear paint? One that’s shiny and one that’s matte? I’ll have to google this, but I think it would be cool to have a piece shiny in some spots, matte in others. Granted, I guess I could also use other paints instead of acrylic, but I’m addicted to what I know.

Pictured here: The back of today's painting, signed with my signature, and its title Bruises.

When my husband first saw this piece, he responded with his usual enthusiasm and encouragement. The he paused and added, “There’s a darkness to it.” I still feel a deep spark of happiness when I think about his statement.

Pictured here: My painting, Bruises.

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