Joseph is out and proud with a fancy coat from his adoring father. Between that and his obsession with reading his dream journal out loud, the rest of his brothers have had enough and sell him into slavery. Judah has three sons, all of whom he aims to marry to Tamar, since she makes the best Thanksgiving casserole that anyone has ever tasted. Unfortunately, God keeps smiting the sons for infractions ranging from securities fraud to using the withdrawal method. When Tamar learns that Judah won’t honor his promise of marriage to the last son, she goes to Victoria’s Secret and gets his goat in more ways than one! Meanwhile, Joseph is thrown in an Egyptian jail for saying “no” to Mrs. Robinson. (Genesis 37:1–40:23)

Jacob freaks out about seeing Esau again and immediately ranks his household by their human-shield potential. God overdoes his attempts to lift Jacob’s spirits by staging an all-night wrestling match. Several dozen clotheslines later, Jacob is left with a broken hip and new name, Israel. Luckily for The Artist Formerly Known As Jacob, Esau turns out to be chill, and brotherly love prevails. Unluckily, his only daughter, Dina, catches the eye of a douchebag rapist. Dina’s brothers insist that the price for her hand in marriage is one metric ton of foreskin. After Circumcision Day comes Judgment Day, as the brothers get medieval on every man in the city, who are too busy holding ice to their groins to defend themselves. We wrap up with a Sesame Street special where Esau demonstrates the power of genetic inheritance. (​​Genesis 32:4-36:43)

On his way to Haran, Jacob uses a random stone as a pillow and has trippy dreams with distinct Led Zeppelin vibes. Speaking of stones, Jacob lifts a huge one with just his erection and then signs a seven-year employment contract in exchange for marrying the boss’s daughter, Rachel. Unfortunately, her father Laban enforces a strict “first-out-of-womb, first-into-wedlock” rule by tagging in Rachel’s crazy-eyed older sister Leah on the wedding night. Laban then insists that Jacob’s employment benefit of marrying Rachel needs another seven more years to vest. After fathering twelve children with four different women, Jacob gets revenge by painting his father-in-law’s goats, and Rachel scoops all the family heirlooms into a duffel bag on her way out the door. Just before fists are thrown, a stoned God drops by to mellow everyone out, man. (Genesis 28:10-32:3)