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CARY HARRISON: So here we are again!Apparently, women now trust bears more than men in the woods. Yes—actual apex predators are beating American males in the approachability Olympics. Why? Because bears don’t mansplain. They don’t run podcasts. And they sure as hell don’t send 3 a.m. “u up?” texts. This week’s monologue dives headfirst into the absurd, dystopian love triangle between women, men, and carnivorous wildlife. It’s not just a dating issue—it’s the collapse of public trust, weaponized loneliness, and the rise of Big Tech data-driven nightmare. Swipe in. The empire’s burning, and the bears are the only ones minding their own business.

we plunge snout-first into a headline so perfectly absurd, so magnificently bleak, it could only come from the annals of a dying empire: "Women would rather encounter a bear in the woods than a man."

Now, let’s be clear. This isn’t satire. This is science—or at least the mangled remains of a survey bobbing in the septic tank of the Internet. Yes, when asked to choose between the fanged, 600-pound personification of death and Chad from the hiking trail, a statistically non-trivial number of women are saying: Give me the apex predator.

Why? Because bears, you see, don’t ask if you’ve read Jordan Peterson. They don’t “circle back” after ghosting for six weeks. And most importantly, bears don’t podcast.

Now, I hear some of you sharpening your keyboards. “But not all men are terrifying in the woods!” True. But let’s not get lost in the foliage here. And there will be a distinction between gay men and straight men and incells and all the other variants we find in the land of e pluribus unum The problem isn't any one man. It's the vibe—the ambiance of threat, cultivated over centuries and now wearing Oakleys and carrying protein powder in the same bag as their concealed carry.

You’ve got to admit, we’ve reached a special kind of low when the average American male has been outcompeted, in sheer approachability, by a carnivorous quadruped with a known tendency to maul. It's not just a failure of image. It's a failure of evolution. Women aren’t swiping left—they’re running full-speed into bear country with peanut butter in their pockets like it's a safer bet.

Let’s zoom out. This isn’t just about dating. It’s about trust—public trust in men as civic companions, co-workers, fellow bus riders. And that trust, friends, is in freefall. Like Blockbuster Video or democracy.

Blame what you want: incels, Andrew Tate, the algorithm that turns disaffected teenagers into pocket-sized Mussolinis. But the result is the same—an entire gender association now synonymous with menace. That’s not a PR crisis. That’s a civilization-level whoopsie.

And here’s where the dystopia creeps in on little cat feet. Because the same culture that shuns men in the woods celebrates them online—where the worst of them monetize grievance, weaponize loneliness, and pitch dating courses with the psychological complexity of a sledgehammer. We’re living in a time when “how to talk to women” is now a course—an industry!—as if basic empathy was some kind of lost martial art.

Meanwhile, Big Tech watches the show from above, monetizing the collapse. Every swipe, every rejection, every paranoid tweet is just another data point in the great machine learning model of the American apocalypse. Women afraid of men? Fantastic! That's clickbait. Men angry about women being afraid of them? Even better! That’s engagement. And bears? Bears don’t use Instagram, which makes them the most trustworthy creatures in the woods.

You see, in the eyes of our algorithmic overlords, there’s no such thing as dystopia—only data. And right now, the data says we trust wild animals more than each other. Which, frankly, sounds about right.

So next time you're out on a hike, and you spot something large, hairy, and vaguely dangerous in the distance, don't panic. Just ask yourself: Is that a grizzly... or just a man with a podcast?

Either way, don’t make eye contact. And for God’s sake, don’t feed them.

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