This week, we get into 2009’s Dragonball Evolution. I don’t watch any anime, and don’t even know what a Dragon Ball is. This movie is trash though. I know nothing about the lore, and was deeply upset. I could only imagine what it must have felt like to be that invested in a franchise, only for the dim-witted cum baby of Jessie Pinkman and the “Dude, You’re Getting a Dell” guy to be the reluctant hero on this loser’s journey.

Basically, Dragonball is Draggin’ Balls!

“Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy dunks on demons and doesn’t die, unfortunately … den he uses da dragon balls! Big bag buffering in the barrens! Very not Dragonball-ish! Chi-Chi’s hot little box! Frenetic finger flaps! Piccolo force-choking a house! Dragonball energy seekers! Stone temple covered in karate people! Spraying your spirit gel! Evaporated meteor baby monkey lords! Chi-Chi’s karate-kid cooperation, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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Ohhhh boy, Rob won the poll last week, which can only mean one thing: FUTURE FORCE, MOTHERFUCKER! This is a movie about David Carradine wearing a Nintendo Power Glove and being a fascist, while Bargain-Bin Snake Plissken runs amok in the background.

I honestly don’t know who we’re supposed to root for here!

Carradine crushes criminals, cries cacophonously, carelessly creeps with cripple communications, and cracks crime in his Cherokee Chief! Both digits are off! Future tech lightning fist! Dude definitely dead due to demolition of his Dodge diplomat! Department duty for detective David ! Bare-breasted bimbos! Electrofist technicians! Skull and skin semantics! Time-wasting tits, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we will hopefully not spend three hours of our lives talking about the three hour movie we just watched: 1993’s The Postman. Starting to realize that Kevin Costner has his own Steven Seagal style-hero’s arc with big-budget blockbusters nobody asked for where he’s such a hero’s hero, that if a hero got in trouble, and needed a hero, the hero would be Kevin Costner.

Say it louder for the people in the back!

“YOUR DAD IS A MAILMAN, AND SO ARE YOU!!!”

Hesitant haberdasher becomes heroic, harangues in Hamlet, handles hefty hauls of hearsay, hating on Holnists, holding hope, hearing Hallelujah however he hears it! Meanie Pants militias! Shakespeare shakeoffs! All they eat in the future is soup! Body father lady throbbers! Abby the spermchaser! Good job, Mr. Sex… Man! Taking a peak in the freezy creek! Post people popped on patrol so he patriots the whole process personally! You spelled tyranny wrong, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we get into 2009’s Splice, a film about fucking your genetically-modified flipper baby. Adrien Brody is at his most emo, and his bitch wife ruins science because she has mommy issues. What a mess! A sexxxxxy mess!

Let’s go!

Sneaky scientist’s unsanctioned ‘speriment spawns sentient, slippery, and seductive succubus! Genetic lumps of gene-producing goo! Course-change characters! First-person birth canals! Fleshy wieners and slimy ding-dongs! The only two goo-producing wieners in town! Inseminated uterus bots! Jack doritos! Rogue elements in the junk jeans! Clive’s gooey two-shoes! Shiny scorpion stabbers! Going back to the Dren den! Concentrated secretions! Paying pregnant people to pop out penis persons! Giving the flying fish woman his slippery digit, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we return with The Mummy Returns! Chris hates it. Rob kind of loves its PS2 looking ass graphics. We’ve only done “bad” Brendan Fraser films at this point. Maybe we’ll end the season on a positive note with Airheads or something. Who knows? It don’t matter.

None of this matters.

Ancient Anubis artifact antagonizes archeologists, always awaiting, awfully archaic, also arachnids! Scorpions are spiders! CG-Aye-Aye-Aye! Non-flesh Imhotep! Jock rockin’ Rob! Bring back the skin beetles! Super fucking bullshit hieroglyphic spoken trash babble! Double-decker London bus theft! Lots of sucking, so much sucking! Alex running from inaccurate rifle fire! Anck-su-namun’s today body! All pyramids are the Pentagon! Waterface eats the balloon! Steggles & Gooch, Attorneys at Law, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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This week, we kick off SEASON 27 with our favorite sentient gasbag, Steven Seagal. Attack Force came out at the height of his direct-to-video downfall, and boy does this one stink! Who would have thought that the guy who brought us On Deadly Ground could fall so far from grace.

Wshhhshhshhhshh!!!

Seagal, supple and sauntering, unsubtly switches speak, swinging sharp slicers, sucking up scenery, unsexily secreting salty sweat! Leathered Matrix men! Military hardware highjacking! Steven Sheen! Damn, he’s so good! Green marines splitting the scene! Foggy gumbo bags! Tandem hole jams! The ole stripper puke exclusion! Marshall Martin meets his makeout mistress at the midtown mocha market! Reina, the vampire stripper? Pimp and his blood-sucking CTX hoes, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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"WARRIORSSSS! COME OUT TO PLAYEEYYYEHHHH!"

Good movie week, we really need it after this dungpile of a season!

Wailing whippersnappers, The Warriors, wreck, rampage, and wander, worse for wear, waiting for war! Crime messiah killed by pariah! Vibe check 5000! DJ’s “Feed me, Seymour” mouth!” Baseball furies! Spending money to wet the set! Mercy’s nipples! 30 Orphans line up for war! Radio mouth reminders! A gaggle of gangster lesbians! Ever-increasing hick lines! Bringing the winning knife to a gunfight, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

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War of the worlds! Not the H.G. Wells novel! Not the Spielberg one! Nope. ICE CUBE, MOTHERFUCKER! This was a gnarly experience. We complained about it so much that our episode is longer than the actual movie. Chew on that, Jeff Bezos, you bald-headed fuck!

“Ohhhhh my godddddd.” -Ice Cube, Probably.

Alien annihilation, amazon advertisements, awesome! Techno tendrils whipping out all sexy like? Faith calls the Cube Father! Helicopter hit, “how you?” Mark’s Prime Video van? Daddy Cube is coming! Your mouth was made to suck my … data! Cumsocks on Ebay! Amazon ass play! Sexy tech babe tentacles, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

www.theworstmovieevermade.com