For most of my clinical life, I’ve understood anger through the familiar EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) lens: anger is conceptualized as a “secondary” emotion. The “primary” emotion is something like fear, inferiority, guilt, hurt, or sadness – usually based on some early attachment wound.

That framework has been enormously helpful to me, both personally and professionally, because so often what appears as anger (in the form of criticism) on the surface is really a protest rising from a much more vulnerable place underneath.

Lately, with a framework offered by my supervisor, Lori Marchek, I’ve been exploring a different possibility. What if some anger isn’t secondary? What if some anger is primary? What if it’s not a defensive move, but a direct expression of discernment?

I’ve been practicing this in my own life, especially in moments when I’m tempted to either criticize or collapse.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

In the last couple of episodes, I’ve reflected on the experience of being the person who ends up carrying too much in a relationship. As I continued thinking about these patterns, I found myself wondering about the other side of the system.

In today’s language, this dynamic is often described as overfunctioning and underfunctioning. One partner becomes highly activated around solving problems, anticipating risks, and keeping life moving forward. The other partner moves more slowly, remains hopeful that somehow things will work out, or continues exploring possibilities without the same sense of urgency. Over time the relationship begins to organize itself around these roles.

What’s happening psychologically for the partner who doesn’t seem to be working as hard or moving with the same urgency?

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

Anger is often considered a secondary emotion.

This means that anger frequently shows up as a protector response when more vulnerable emotions are activated underneath. When someone feels scared, hurt, rejected, or alone, anger can step forward to defend against those painful feelings.

From the outside it may look like anger is the main issue, but underneath there’s always something more tender.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

Recently in supervision I came in talking about anger. I thought the work I needed to do was learning how to help my clients express anger and frustration without it coming out as criticism or blame.

Within a few minutes my supervisor took me somewhere I didn’t expect. She introduced an image from the animal world that stopped me in my tracks. She called it the gazelle collapse. The metaphor described something that felt instantly familiar, even though I had never heard it explained this way before.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

I recently did something that felt vulnerable in a way I didn’t quite expect. I brought a recording of a couples session to my case consultation group. I had transcribed it carefully, read it over more than once, thought about it endlessly, and came in ready to dissect what I had done wrong. As I presented the case to my colleagues I let them know I felt embarrassed by what I was going to share.

During the consultation, my supervisor gently pointed out something I hadn’t noticed. She said that she’s noticed that I’m the only one in the group who sends a written summary before presenting a case. The only one who transcribes every word of a clip. The only one who reads a book beforehand and quotes from it in the session itself.

She looked at me – both in the therapy clip and in our consultation group – and said simply, “You’re working so hard.” I let her words land. Within moments, tears rose up quickly and unexpectedly. As they streamed down my face, I said, “I don’t know how not to.”

That realization reverberates far beyond that one therapy session into my personal life. In so many heterosexual relationships, I see a familiar dance unfold. She works hard to improve the relationship. He feels criticized or inadequate and defends, explains, fixes, or withdraws. She works harder because she feels anxious and alone in her effort, and he moves farther away because he feels under threat.

Neither of them is doing anything wrong.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

Learning to Trust in a World That's Taught Us Not To

In my work with clients, I’ve started noticing a certain pattern, one that shows up again and again, even in our therapeutic relationship. It’s a dynamic that reveals itself subtly at first. Maybe in the hesitation to make eye contact, or the long pause before sharing something vulnerable, or the deflection when asked to go deeper.

Sometimes it’s more overt – a sudden cancellation after a session felt too vulnerable or an unexpected burst of anger at feeling misunderstood. At first, I used to wonder what I had done wrong, but now I see it differently. What I’m witnessing is the original developmental dilemma playing out in real time: the Trust vs. Mistrust stage that Erik Erikson placed right at the start of life, and that, for many of us, has never truly resolved.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

There are seasons in life when nothing feels clear or straightforward, no matter how much you think, pray, journal, or talk things through. This is especially true when you’re in a challenging relationship. It’s not because there’s something wrong with you, but because every possible path forward involves some kind of loss.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

Medical events, aging, illness, and loss have a way of touching our deepest attachment wounds, which awaken very difficult questions within a committed love relationship.

Will you come for me when I’m feeling alone? Will you stay with me when I’m feeling scared? Can I rest in your arms, or do I have to keep holding everything together on my own?

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.