The Anger That Warms Instead of Burns
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The Anger That Warms Instead of Burns
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For most of my clinical life, I’ve understood anger through the familiar EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) lens: anger is conceptualized as a “secondary” emotion. The “primary” emotion is something like fear, inferiority, guilt, hurt, or sadness – usually based on some early attachment wound.
That framework has been enormously helpful to me, both personally and professionally, because so often what appears as anger (in the form of criticism) on the surface is really a protest rising from a much more vulnerable place underneath.
Lately, with a framework offered by my supervisor, Lori Marchek, I’ve been exploring a different possibility. What if some anger isn’t secondary? What if some anger is primary? What if it’s not a defensive move, but a direct expression of discernment?
I’ve been practicing this in my own life, especially in moments when I’m tempted to either criticize or collapse.
The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.