For most of my clinical life, I’ve understood anger through the familiar EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) lens: anger is conceptualized as a “secondary” emotion. The “primary” emotion is something like fear, inferiority, guilt, hurt, or sadness – usually based on some early attachment wound.

That framework has been enormously helpful to me, both personally and professionally, because so often what appears as anger (in the form of criticism) on the surface is really a protest rising from a much more vulnerable place underneath.

Lately, with a framework offered by my supervisor, Lori Marchek, I’ve been exploring a different possibility. What if some anger isn’t secondary? What if some anger is primary? What if it’s not a defensive move, but a direct expression of discernment?

I’ve been practicing this in my own life, especially in moments when I’m tempted to either criticize or collapse.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

In the last couple of episodes, I’ve reflected on the experience of being the person who ends up carrying too much in a relationship. As I continued thinking about these patterns, I found myself wondering about the other side of the system.

In today’s language, this dynamic is often described as overfunctioning and underfunctioning. One partner becomes highly activated around solving problems, anticipating risks, and keeping life moving forward. The other partner moves more slowly, remains hopeful that somehow things will work out, or continues exploring possibilities without the same sense of urgency. Over time the relationship begins to organize itself around these roles.

What’s happening psychologically for the partner who doesn’t seem to be working as hard or moving with the same urgency?

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

Anger is often considered a secondary emotion.

This means that anger frequently shows up as a protector response when more vulnerable emotions are activated underneath. When someone feels scared, hurt, rejected, or alone, anger can step forward to defend against those painful feelings.

From the outside it may look like anger is the main issue, but underneath there’s always something more tender.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.