A thing happens. A short reply, a cancelled plan, a silence one beat too long. And before a single question gets asked, a story exists — fully formed, internally consistent, and almost entirely fictional.

In this episode I read Part 4 of my series on don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements: the Third Agreement, Don't Make Assumptions. This is the one I see causing the most unnecessary suffering in my coaching work — not because we make assumptions, but because we believe them.

I go beneath Ruiz's framework into the psychology that powers it: confirmation bias, the mind's habit of collecting evidence for its own theories. And I bring in the most practically useful question I know for dismantling a story you've already decided is true — Byron Katie's "Is it true? Can you absolutely know it's true?"

In this episode:

• Why assumptions feel like observations — and the cascade from assumption to conflict

• Confirmation bias: you don't see the world, you see your theory of the world

• Turning the theory around: gathering evidence for a better story

• Byron Katie's four questions and the gap they open

• The most destructive assumption in intimate relationships: that love means mind-reading

• The assumptions we make about ourselves — and never test

• Why asking a direct question is one of the most intimate things you can do

READ AND FOLLOW THE SERIES

The full essay, visual guide, and free two-page cheat sheet:

https://fouragreements.8notes.co.uk/?ep=4

The essay on Substack: https://8notes.substack.com

Do this work in community — the 8Notes waiting list is open:

https://waitlist.8notes.co.uk

With Adrian Melrose · Plain Talk Matters · 8Notes

adrianmelrose.com · plaintalk.co.uk · 8notes.co.uk

Books and references in this episode:

The Four Agreements — don Miguel Ruiz

Loving What Is — Byron Katie (The Work)

EPISODE DESCRIPTION (paste into Transistor)

Nothing other people do is because of you. Easy to say — and one of the hardest things in the book to actually live.

In this episode I read Part 3 of my series on don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements: the Second Agreement, Don't Take Anything Personally. I get into the line from the Celtic Poem of Approach that rearranged my 2025 — "I have no cherished outcome" — and what Elizabeth Gilbert's reflections on it (from her conversation with Tim Ferriss) reveal about the expectations we secretly carry into every relationship.

I also draw a distinction I think matters enormously, especially for men: not taking things personally is not the same as feeling nothing. Real immunity requires more emotional capacity, not less — and I bring in bell hooks' The Will to Change to make the case.

In this episode:

• Why nothing anyone does is actually about you — and why that's freedom, not indifference

• Personal importance: what Ruiz calls the ego's subtlest trap

• "I have no cherished outcome" — the Celtic Poem of Approach, via Elizabeth Gilbert and Tim Ferriss

• The wall vs the window: why armour isn't immunity

• Why praise is as destabilising as criticism when you take it personally

• Don't take anything personally vs don't take feedback seriously — they're not the same thing

READ AND FOLLOW THE SERIES

The full essay, visual guide, and free two-page cheat sheet:

https://fouragreements.8notes.co.uk/?ep=3

The essay on Substack: https://8notes.substack.com

Do this work in community — the 8Notes waiting list is open:
https://waitlist.8notes.co.uk

With Adrian Melrose · Plain Talk Matters · 8Notes

adrianmelrose.com · plaintalk.co.uk · 8notes.co.uk

Books and references in this episode:

The Four Agreements — don Miguel Ruiz

The Will to Change — bell hooks

The Tim Ferriss Show, episode 770 — Elizabeth Gilbert

Would you speak to the people you love the way you speak to yourself?

I ask that question in coaching and it stops almost everyone. The answer is almost always no. We give the people we love patience and context and the benefit of the doubt, then we turn on ourselves with a voice we would never let anyone use on a friend.

That is what the First Agreement is really about. When I first read Be impeccable with your word I thought Ruiz was talking about honesty. He is talking about something much bigger.

In this episode

• Why your word is the most powerful tool you own, and why most of us point it inward.
• Every belief you hold was planted by a word. A parent, a teacher, a throwaway comment that landed at the wrong moment.
• Gossip as emotional poison, including the version we run silently about ourselves.
• Clarity is kindness. Being impeccable is not about being nice, it is about saying the true thing cleanly.
• What changes in a relationship when one person stops using language as a weapon.

One thing to try this week

Write down the exact sentence your inner critic uses most. The actual words. Then read it out loud as if you were saying it to someone you love. Notice what happens in your body.

Links

• Read the full essay: The Word as Weapon or Wand on Substack
• Free two-page cheat sheet for this episode: fouragreements.8notes.co.uk
• On Instagram, comment or DM the word WORD and the cheat sheet comes straight to you.
• Episode 01, The Dream We Didn't Choose, is the foundation for this one. Worth starting there if you haven't.
• Join the 8Notes waiting list: waitlist.8notes.co.uk

The book

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by don Miguel Ruiz (Amber-Allen, 1997). Everything here is my reading of it. Go and get the book.

The 8Notes Reading Room is a podcast about the books that change how we think about being human. Written and hosted by Adrian Melrose. More at 8notes.co.uk.