A thing happens. A short reply, a cancelled plan, a silence one beat too long. And before a single question gets asked, a story exists — fully formed, internally consistent, and almost entirely fictional.

In this episode I read Part 4 of my series on don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements: the Third Agreement, Don't Make Assumptions. This is the one I see causing the most unnecessary suffering in my coaching work — not because we make assumptions, but because we believe them.

I go beneath Ruiz's framework into the psychology that powers it: confirmation bias, the mind's habit of collecting evidence for its own theories. And I bring in the most practically useful question I know for dismantling a story you've already decided is true — Byron Katie's "Is it true? Can you absolutely know it's true?"

In this episode:

• Why assumptions feel like observations — and the cascade from assumption to conflict

• Confirmation bias: you don't see the world, you see your theory of the world

• Turning the theory around: gathering evidence for a better story

• Byron Katie's four questions and the gap they open

• The most destructive assumption in intimate relationships: that love means mind-reading

• The assumptions we make about ourselves — and never test

• Why asking a direct question is one of the most intimate things you can do

READ AND FOLLOW THE SERIES

The full essay, visual guide, and free two-page cheat sheet:

https://fouragreements.8notes.co.uk/?ep=4

The essay on Substack: https://8notes.substack.com

Do this work in community — the 8Notes waiting list is open:

https://waitlist.8notes.co.uk

With Adrian Melrose · Plain Talk Matters · 8Notes

adrianmelrose.com · plaintalk.co.uk · 8notes.co.uk

Books and references in this episode:

The Four Agreements — don Miguel Ruiz

Loving What Is — Byron Katie (The Work)