TRIGGER WARNING: This is a Ha'penny Horrid 'Hursday episode. "Horrid" as in "horror." Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories. If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — feel free to skip this episode and circle back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrid Minisode IN WHICH —

0:03:45: TERRIBLE TIDBIT OF THE DAY for August 7:

• A melancholy account of a young girl who, convinced she would be happier in Heaven, murdered her baby niece, on Aug. 14, 1850.

0:05:10: THE TERRIFIC REGISTER:

• Story of a sailor who drew a knife and dove overboard to retrieve the legs of his dead mess-mate, which the shark had bitten off, and avenge his death.
• A summary of all the times, in medieval England, that a convict was sentenced to have a hand cut off.
• A slightly-less-horrid account of a child, thought to be dead, who revived on the mortuary slab.

0:17:40: THE CRIME, CONFESSION AND EXECUTION OF ROBERT EMOND, THE HADDINGTON MURDERER (a broadsheet ballad).

• Jealous and angry in the wake of a business setback, Robert Emond murdered his sister-in-law, then bludgeoned her daughter to death to keep her quiet. He was hanged for the crimes on March 17, 1830.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Hop merchant: Dancing-teacher.
• Rum buffer: Jolly host.
• Tears o' the tankard: Strong ale.
• Scandal-broth: Tea.
• Cat lap: Tea.
• Scragging: Hanging.
• Kiddies and kiddiesses: Flash lads and lasses
• Sherry off: To leave, in a tolerable hurry. A corruption of "sheer off."
• Flats: Suckers.

• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.

A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Terrible Minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:00: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 55:

• In which: The usurer, John Mundel, begins to realize that Sweeney Todd, the humble barber he has hired to prepare him for his visit to court, is the same man who pretended to be a duke and took him for £8000 with the string of pearls! What will he do? How will Todd get out of this one? We’ll find out today (but there's a pretty strong hint in the title to this episode!)

0:17:00: TWO SALACIOUS SALOON SONGS:

• "The Squire's Thingumbob and Kitty's Whatchamacallit," a frisky supper-club song from the 1830s, sung lustily by gentlemen when there were no ladies about. This rather explicit one describes the amorous adventure of one Squire Ticklecock with a friendly damsel named Kitty.
• "Rum Old Mog," a festive song about a spunky hard-punching doxy and her flash fancy-man. Loaded with flash terms (see below).

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Hellcats: Women who hang out in gambling hells.
• Lively kiddies: Funny fellows
• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.
• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Crib: House, room, or chamber (modern equivalent is "joint"). Originally and still also used to refer to a prostitute's bedroom.
• Cunny: 1840s slang for a lady's vulva. The modern slang equivalent is "pussy."

• Pippin: A funny fellow; also a friendly way of greeting: How are you, my pippins?
• Bolt the moon: Fly by night
• Beaks: Magistrates, law enforcement authorities
• The tippy: The very best

In addition, here are the flash definitions from "Rum Old Mog":

• Rum old Mog was a leary flash mot (wide-awake, on-the-ball underworld girl)
• And she was plump and fat (meaning pleasantly plump and buxom, not obese),
• With twangs in her shoes, a wheelbarrow too,
• And an oil-skin round her hat.
• A blue bird’s eye (bandanna pattern) decked her dairies (boobs) fine
• As she mizzled (hurried off) through Temple Bar
• Of which side of the way I cannot say,
• But she boned (stole) it from a tar (sailor).

• Moll’s flash man was a Chick-lane cove (Chick-lane was a street in the Smithfield neighborhood notorious for criminal activities)
• And he gartered a-low his knee,
• He was three times lagged (transported to Australia) and very near scragged (hanged)
• But he 'scaped it by going to sea;
• With his click (punch) in his fib (fist) and his ranting out
• In his 'Very prime taters' cry (he's a costermonger, selling baked potatoes from a pushcart)
• For the cove of the ken (landlord of the pub or saloon) he valied (cared) not,
• As he’d ridge (money) within his cly (pocket).

• 
  

• On a donkey they rode to a cock and hen club (a supper club where men and women ate, drank, and sang risque songs together)
• At the sign of the Mare and Stallion,
• There sure was such a squad ne'er to be had
• As Moll and her flash companions;
• But Moll being down to (aware of) some loving stuff
• 'Tween her flash man and Poll Sly,
• She peeled off her togs (stripped off her clothes), and when in her buff,
• She blacked the covess’s (woman's) eye.

• But a milling cove (prizefighter), a friend of Poll’s,
• Tipt Moll's fancy-man a blow,
• Which soon knocked up a general fight,
• O Lord what a gallows row! (A gallows row was a knock-down-drag-out fierce enough to get someone sent to the gallows.)
• Some had eyes black'd, some noses crack'd,
• And some had broken bones.
• But the row being over, they lushed in clover (the fight being over, they all relaxed and drank together)
• Then staggered to their homes.

A Sunday-evening full episode IN WHICH —

0:05:00: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• We hear of an event in which a woman hanged for the murder of her child recovered miraculously, as if God Himself was vouching for her innocence.

0:09:10: BLACK BESS (DICK TURPIN), Ch. 17:

• IN WHICH: Dick withdraws into the shadows to watch the beadle, Solomon Goggs, preparing the church for what looks like it’s going to be a midnight wedding. And as we’ll see, that’s exactly what’s intended. We’ll soon find out who is marrying whom, by dark of night, one of them eager and the other extremely reluctant; but, if you’d like to learn a little more about the actual historical context of this chapter, do yourself the favor of looking up “Elizabeth Pierrepont” on Wikipedia. It’ll be 15 minutes well spent!

0:24:50: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 17:

• IN WHICH: we cut to a new scene. A heavily veiled woman is meeting a usurer named Mr. Lucas to borrow money. But something is going on; she’s clearly not what she seems. Then we learn that this usurer is Lucas Clavering, Ellen Clavering’s father, who has not heard a word from Ellen in six months and, feeling betrayed by her, no longer cares if he lives or dies. Which is good, because it’s soon obvious that the woman is an agent of the Companions of Midnight, and Colonel Bertrand is this night planning his destruction …

PLUS —

• We learn a new Flash song (starting around 0:22:25): "Cadgers' Holiday," full of fun highway-robber slang (see below). — And ...
• We read a satirical cover letter for the position of Literary Critic for Punch, the comedy magazine of the 1840s. — And ...
• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• SCAMP FOOT: Street robber
• OLI CAMPOLI: Rogue of the canting crew
• TOGGERY: Clothing
• OLD TOM: Good gin
• PIPKIN: Head
• FLAT: A con man's mark, a sucker
• HAMLET: High constable
• RUM QUOD CULL: A jailer (quod = jail or prison, cull = disparaging reference to a man)
• CADGERS: Beggars and petty thieves
• MAUNDER: To beg
• PECK AND BOOZE: Food and drink
• DOXIES: High-spirited, possibly disreputable ladies
• PIKE OFF: Flee to avoid being caught
• RED WAISTCOAT: Uniform of the Bow-street Runners, London's first police force
• KNIGHT OF THE BRUSH AND MOON: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home

EPISODE ART: A portrait of Elizabeth Chudleigh Hervey Pierrepont, the "bigamous duchess who was also a countess," as a young lady. She appears in today's chapter of Dick Turpin's story.