Beverly Engel is back, and I’m so grateful to talk with someone who’s spent decades helping people break free from trauma-driven relationship patterns. If you’ve ever felt stuck in the same story - same red flags, different partner - you’re not alone. In this episode, Beverly brings clarity to the messy, courageous work of breaking free and putting your past in your past.

Beverly is a renowned psychotherapist and author of 27 self-help books, including her latest, Put Your Past In Your Past. In this conversation, we get into how hard it is to break lifelong patterns, especially when you were never taught how to feel your feelings, let alone trust them. But that’s where the work is and that’s how we begin to change everything. Healing is messy. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s also liberating as hell.

Here’s what else we discuss in this episode:

• What trauma reenactment actually is and how to begin interrupting the cycle (7:56)
• How to create a “triggers list” and begin connecting the dots between past pain and present-day reactions (10:51)
• Why you can’t heal what you don’t feel and what to do when the emotions finally surface (18:44)
• The fear of naming your trauma in relationships (and how to work through it) (40:08)
• Tools for building self-compassion and protecting yourself moving forward (43:40)

Learn more about Beverly Engel: Beverly is an internationally recognized psychotherapist and expert on trauma. She has written 27 books on the related subjects of abuse, shame, and empowerment, including The Emotionally Abusive Relationship and Healing Your Emotional Self. Her books have been translated into many languages, including Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Greek, Turkish, and Polish. She has a blog on Psychology Today titled The Compassion Chronicles and her writing has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, The Chicago Tribune and The Washington Post, to name a few.

Resources & Links:

Thank you to today’s podcast sponsor: Our Family Wizard
Submit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodes
Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate
Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective
Beverly’s website
Heal My Shame
Beverly on Instagram

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

Episode link:
https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-322-put-your-past-in-your-past-with-beverly-engel/

Valerie Jones joins me for a powerful conversation about something so many of us need to hear: redefining what it truly means to be selfish. Valerie is a life coach, host of The Selfish Woman Podcast, and the author of the upcoming book The Selfish Year: The Power of Choosing Yourself, hitting shelves in September 2025.

In our conversation, Valerie shares the transformative experience of her own "selfish year" after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship — a year that challenged her to get radically honest with herself and stop outsourcing her self-worth. We also dive into dating as a self-growth experiment (yes, really!), how emotional safety shapes our experiences of sex and intimacy, and why centering ourselves is not only radical, but absolutely necessary.

Here’s what else we get into, in this episode:

• Why Valerie chose “selfish” as her word of the year and how it became a life-changing framework (5:38)
• What Valerie’s recovery from people-pleasing looked like, and how it shows up in her work and life today (15:26)
• Emotional safety is non-negotiable for sex and intimacy (25:39)
• How to start trusting yourself again after emotional abuse (32:25)

Learn more about Val Jones: Valerie Jones is a Life Coach for women who are ready to create the life they truly desire. She is on a mission to redefine the word selfish, and help women learn how to prioritize themselves. Through her proven methods based in neuroscience, Valerie has helped thousands of women create better lives and relationships.

Valerie is host of The Selfish Woman Podcast and author of The Selfish Year: The Power of Choosing Yourself. She is known for her direct approach and relatability combined with humor and compassion.

Resources:

Thank you to today’s podcast sponsor: Wild Pastures

Submit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodes
Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate
Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective

Valerie’s website
The Selfish Woman Podcast
Valerie on TikTok
Valerie on Instagram
Valerie on YouTube

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.