Hello my dears,
Its been over two weeks since finally the daily panic attacks have stopped and normalcy is beginning to return. I experienced a civilian trauma that I had been able to dodge until the beginning of this year. Now I have experienced every civilian trauma and only the war ones remain - which I REALLY hope I can avoid. Either way it had a significant impact - to put it mildly. But one step at a time. For now its time to breathe again.

But it leads us to the question that so often pops up: Why do these things keep happening to me?
A question many of you most likely asked yourself - somehow these things seem to keep targeting you.
The answer is sadly simple: It is a viscous circle, because people have the tendency to kick down, you can’t really easily shake things off anymore and less support from society and/or your social circle.

You are the limping member of the herd - so to speak. You attract predators, as they always look for the easiest way, and get little support, because people can gain little from you. And since there is little to gain from you - there is no harm in kicking your direction. What are you going to do about it? In my experience most people are fair weather friends - and should have an according place in your life. Once you have success again - they will come back.

Lastly your limping makes you more prone to error and further injury, because you can’t properly catch yourself and have a weak footing. And since you are more likely kicked than helped - you are held to a higher scrutiny than everyone else. Your best protection - sadly - is that people don’t know you are limping. Which is why I always recommend to hide, because people like to view themselves as more supportive than they actually are. I also recommend to remember it all - for when you are in power and when you choose your inner circle. Hopefully soon.

Take care and stay safe

Johanna

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In this episode we talk about the core of many traumas and pain in the past - feeling worthless, unlovable and unloved. A feeling despite being so prevalent is neither good nor normal and especially harmful during this dark time of the year and even worse in the holiday seasons.

When listening to those who suffer, I keep hearing all sort of variants of “I need to hide who I am. If others knew they would leave me”. Be it because they feel broken, useless, unloved, unworthy of love, tainted, talentless or the like or maybe all I listed.

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In this episode we talk about the anger that is a very consistent companion during our healing, the so called angry teenager you might have heard about and how to deal with the anger.

You might have seen a quote like this: “Healing can be so hard. It’s a constant battle between your inner child who is hurting, your inner teenager who is angry and your current self who only wants peace”.
And there is a lot of truth to that, but not in the way it seems.

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Good day, this time we do something slighty different while I work myself back into the rhythm. Would love to hear your feedback.

First, I want to thank you for your patience and apologize for the long delay. I really missed you.

When I’m referring to the storm I’m talking about the many variants of it - your personal life, your surrounding, the world and naturally everything in between. And - of course - everything is interconnected. How your personal life is will influence how you view the world and of course the state of the world impacts you. It is important to recognize what is causing your personal storm, understand how it is done and then how one can counter it. This greatly affects people with PTSD and learning how to protect oneself is crucial.
We start with the world - recognizing, your world - recognizing, understanding, countering the world and then countering for your world.

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Hello my dears!
I am Johanna Draconis and I am slowly coming back. As expected the fight was successful and completely burned me out. But I am FINALLY FREE! Of Torture AND Trauma. This took WAY TOO long.
And now more and more falls into place and fully rebuilds me - which is a very energy and time consuming process. For all those reasons I will slowly make my way back.
But to ease most of you: This end boss doesn’t seem to appear unless you experienced many years of torture especially as a child. But since I am the only person I know who’s cured of torture - I only have one data point and time will tell what is required.

I also wanted to record this episode because I know the holidays are for many a particularly dark time and to strongly encourage you to take a step away from it all if needed. Your mental health is more important than being up to date.
Fear mongering and hate watching are extremely popular on social media and give the feeling, that if you don’t watch every video - you are going to be lost. Unless you are working with it - stepping away for several days or weeks will do nothing.
It can actually be quite therapeutic to be away for a while and coming back to see the same things being told. The world didn’t end. A new sunrise will come and a new set of dramatic events.
Letting go can help a lot with your anxiety, stress and getting comfortable with needing some time for yourself and slowing down.

I hope you are well and that I can bring you more soon.

Take very good care of yourself, stay safe and happy holidays

Johanna

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Hello my dears!
I am Johanna Draconis and I am going shortly into what is going on and why I’m on hiatus.
First on social media. I am going to restructure things and have plans and my silly brain decided that means I can’t post anything in the meantime.
Second - I have been still dealing with torture - as I seriously underestimated how much it would slow down the closer I got to the early years.
Then everything slowed more and more down - which wasn’t surprising given that my life got more and more on fire - and it got really hard to work and I genuinely thought I had burn out.

But then I got those CPTSD nightmares after last episode and after some looking I found the reason: A gigantic cluster trauma - the biggest and strongest I have ever encountered.
Which is unsurprising given it is strongly connected to torture and early in life. How did I overlook it? Well turns out it was hidden within the torture and with that removal it got active. A sort of really bad parting gift.
Now will I win? Yes - 99% sure.I have the skill, knowledge and tools, but I really have to focus on it and myself now - and this work especially hits too close to home. I am optimistic I can get back to work very soon.

I hope you are all well

Take care and stay safe!

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Hello my dears!
I am Johanna Draconis and I wanted to give this sign of life.Life is kind of on fire right now - thanks to the weather almost also literally - and I need to focus on that. Things should be back to normal soon - and I’m looking forward to that.

But since it’s the 4th of July and I know many in my audience will likely suffer, I also wanted to remind that it is okay on some days to have a blackout day. To remove just everything one can from the timetable.
So that only the absolute necessary and wanted remains. To spoil oneself on such a day and practice self care. Healing isn’t just about the progress we make but also the damage we prevent. And sometimes all we can focus on is limiting the damage we take.
The more rested, relaxed, happy and in good company you are - the less severe the symptoms and likely the trigger are. Or in short: Be kind to yourself.

I hope to see you again soon

Take care and stay safe

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In this episode we will talk about being lonely/loneliness and the hole inside that causes all of it. There is a loneliness epidemic that keeps spreading and cause a lot of suffering. But why do we all feel so lonely? What is causing this feeling? And what can we do about it?
We first get into lonely/alone, then the hole inside, then how it escalates, then how loneliness spreads and then how to stop it.

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Transcript: https://www.johannadraconis.com/episode176

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