What if the reason you can’t say no isn’t weakness, but conditioning? From childhood, so many of us were taught that love had to be earned, that being good meant staying quiet, agreeable, and available. But somewhere along the way, that survival strategy became self-betrayal. In this powerful episode, bestselling author and trauma recovery coach Lisa A. Romano reveals the truth about codependency: it’s not about needing others too much, but about forgetting who you are. She explains why guilt floods your body when you set a boundary and how healing begins the moment you realise your inner critic isn’t actually your voice—it’s an echo from your past. This is a conversation for anyone who’s tired of people-pleasing, over-giving, or shrinking themselves to keep the peace. Because real love doesn’t require you to abandon yourself. It begins the moment you come home to you. The Woman Who Broke the Cycle Lisa A. Romano didn’t just study codependency—she lived it. Growing up with parents who were adult children of alcoholics, one highly narcissistic and the other deeply codependent, Lisa carried shame throughout her entire childhood. She believed something about her made it impossible for her parents to love her. This pattern followed her into adulthood. She married a man similar to her mother, repeating the cycle of seeking approval and subjugating herself. After a severe breakdown and six therapists, she finally received the diagnosis that changed everything: codependency. The tragedy that catalysed her mission came when her brother-in-law, also an adult child of alcoholics, took his own life. In that devastating moment, Lisa realised that if he had understood codependency and childhood trauma the way she now did, he might still be alive. She pushed past her fears of what her family would think and published her first book, “The Road Back to Me,” which became an Amazon bestseller overnight. Today, as a certified life coach and leading expert in codependency and childhood trauma recovery, Lisa has helped over 5,000 students heal through her signature 12-week Breakthrough Method, blending neuroscience, trauma-informed coaching, mindfulness, and spiritual wisdom. What Codependency Actually Means “When you’re codependent, you don’t know that you’re codependent until your life becomes unmanageable,” Lisa explains. It operates completely below conscious awareness, a loop of childhood trauma disguised as personality. Codependency isn’t just people-pleasing. It’s people-pleasing from a loss of selfhood. It’s cleaning the house but needing your husband to walk in and pat you on the back. Making his favorite meal but requiring him to make a big deal about it. Watching your sister’s kids but expecting her to watch yours in return without having to ask. “With codependency, it’s an emotional enmeshment,” Lisa reveals. “I lose my sense of self and I’m emotionally reliant on someone in a very unhealthy way, and I don’t even realize it.” The dangerous part? Codependents often think they’re “the good one.” They’re the fixers, the caretakers, the ones always willing to listen. But beneath that giving is resentment, unmet expectations, and the victim mentality that comes from abandoning yourself while trying to avoid being abandoned by others. Why You Can’t Say No: The Childhood Programming The guilt you feel when setting boundaries isn’t random. It’s precisely programmed survival wiring from your first three years of life. “Your needs aren’t being served, your ego-based needs from zero to three,” Lisa explains. “You’re in a theta brainwave state, which is a hypnotic brainwave state.” During this critical period, if your narcissistic needs—the healthy developmental need to matter, to be seen, to have your feelings validated—go unmet, you don’t develop a solid ego boundary. Between ages three and five, children are supposed to be “little narcissists.” The adults around them should be managing what shows up inside them, helping them emotionally regulate, and teaching them that their feelings matter. When this doesn’t happen, children learn that they don’t have the right to feel, and therefore don’t have the right to set boundaries. “If I say no, I might get abandoned or criticised or judged or shamed or banished from the kingdom,” Lisa describes. “That’s all stored.” The brain creates a predictive model: saying no produces guilt as a way to prevent abandonment. You’re abandoning yourself to avoid outer abandonment. Operating Below the Veil “Below the veil of consciousness, we’re just operating on a loop,” Lisa says. “We’re operating on childhood trauma. These are belief systems. They’ve become habitual thoughts. It becomes part of our persona.” The subconscious mind is 500,000 to a million times stronger than the conscious mind. Most of your daily interactions are products of subconscious beliefs you’ve ...
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